The Consequences of You and Me

Chapter 1

2010-12-31T21:11:00.000-08:00

For every action, there's a consequence. For every yes, there's a no. For one of him, there was one of me.

Intro:

"I believe this is for you," Oppa said, handing me an envelope.

After a quick glance at the return address, I tore it open. But before I could pull out its contents, I took a deep breath in to adjust to my sudden lightheadedness.

"So what does it say?" he asked from behind me.

Without glancing back, I pulled out the sheet and read what I'd known I'd find. It took another deep breath but it didn't help much. My cheeks had begun to twitch hapharzardly because the emotions shooting through me couldn't agree on what to tell my brain: was I supposed to smile or frown?

Chapter 1

"Hahaha! Go to jail!" my so-called friend, Na Young, declared with far too much glee. She moved her forefinger over the table and counted the squares one more time. Satisfied, she raised her fist up and said, "Yup! Go to jail!"

Frowning, I said a few choice words under my breath then picked my little plastic horse and put him on the doomed spot. It was the last day of school and since classes had ended and we were just waiting for our report cards, as we'd done in the past week, we were passing time by playing board games.

Tae Ran, my other best friend, picked up my blue horse and put him back on his previous spot. When a defiant Na Young reacted by reaching for it, she gently pushed her hand away. "Gosh, why do you have to be like this? Let her roll the dice again. When next will we get a chance to play Moneyply with her?"

Yes, we were playing 'Moneyply.' It was true that the board did look similar to that of 'Monopoly's,' that the concept was the same, in fact, the look, the rules, everything was pretty much the same as the other game's but because our school was too cheap to fork out good money for anything remotely legit, we were stuck playing the bootleg version you could probably convince a street hawker to give to you for free. But it didn't really matter because other than the initial chuckles that were shared when we finally realized that 'Moneyply' wasn't a typo, we were having as much fun as we would have had playing the real thing.

I took my eyes off Tae Ran's protective hold on my horse and smiled. With her long ponytail, black rimmed glasses, red cheeks and small frame, she looked just like the sweet girl she was on the inside. "It's okay," I said. "Since I'm 'just visiting,' it's not a big deal - I can sit my ass in jail."

"Exactly," Il Woo, one of my other classmates said. "Why does she deserve special treatment?" He rolled his eyes.

I smirked then stuck my tongue out at him. "Stop talking and just roll the dice, okay? I'll be kicking your ass in the next round."

He was in the midst of replying sarcastically when my cell phone beeped, notifying me of a newly received text message. I didn't even have to look at it to know who it was. I covered my mouth to hide my smile then stood up from my chair. "Sorry guys, I have to leave now…." I announced. I'd tried to sound regretful for ditching them so carelessly but I failed miserably. I averted my gaze downwards to keep them from seeing my eyes.

Na Young hit the table dramatically. "Can you see what I mean? She does this every time and when I refused to let her play today you guys thought I was being mean. You see? You see what's happened?"

I looked up and giggled. "Hey, don't get so pissed – you guys can divvy up my property. Gatta run! See you later," I said, turning around and leaving before I could hear any more whines.

***

I tiptoed to him from behind, covered his eyes with my hands then bent over and whispered, "Guess who?" into his ear.

He gently pulled my fingers from his eyes and frowned up at me. "Took you long enough," he accused.

"Whatever," I replied before walking around and sliding beside him on the bench. During the off season, our football field turned into some kind of couples' spot. There was a section of it that was pretty much hidden from the rest of the school and whenever anyone saw a teacher approaching, he or she would alert the other couples and it would be mayhem for the minutes that followed.

But since exams were over and no one really had anything to do, the teachers didn't really mind us hanging out and it showed. Because as it was, the stadium wasn't just filled with couples but also a bunch of platonic little cliques of people who didn't want to sit idly in class.

Ha Min Ki, my boyfriend of almost two years, picked up my hand and kissed my palm.

My chest warmed up at his touch. "What was that for?"

He shrugged. "I don't know – but this is the last time we'll ever sit here together like this."

I frowned. "I know." And it was all because of my father. If he hadn't given me life, I wouldn't have hesitated to hate him.

He shrugged. "I guess I'll just have to find someone else to sit with next year."

"Meaning?"

"I'm just saying…." He pointed to the sky. "Look at those beautiful clouds and look at the horizon," he said wistfully.

I shook my head in irritation. The sky was beautiful as a mass of blue broken up by thick white clouds but there really wasn't much of a horizon – unless boring buildings a few hundred feet away also qualified.

"… and look at the tree." He pointed at the huge ginkgo tree on the other side of the school gate. "Everything looks better," he said, wrapping his arm around my waist, "when you have someone next to you." He turned to look at me. "Do you really want me to give all this up because you won't be here?"

I frowned and gave him my evil look. "Yes."

He jerked back in exaggerated fright and I couldn't contain my laughter. But the sad thing was that my evil look was actually quite legendary. Most times, I didn't even realize I was giving it till the recipient scurried away or got mad because I was supposedly being rude. And I definitely didn't know I was giving it to the school principal that one time till she slapped me for looking at her 'like that.'

He pulled me closer, adopted a faraway look then stared onto our 'horizon.' "Yeah," he said, sighing, "I guess this wouldn't feel right with anyone else. I couldn't do this with anyone else."

I sighed. He couldn't do it with anyone else and I would never get another chance to look at that skyline again. I snuggled up to him and tried to keep myself from crying. Gosh, why did it all suck? I bit a fingernail and looked up at him. I couldn't believe that this was going to be our last visit to our school's football field. Sh.it, I was really going to miss it all.

Chapter 2

2010-12-30T21:12:00.000-08:00

"I'm not ready to leave you now," Young Hee, my brother's girlfriend whined, ok screeched to him from the passenger's seat of the car.

"I know, but we have to get home soon."

On hearing that, she flipped her long hair and turned around to face me sitting in the back seat. "Su Jin ah," she started in a saccharin sweet voice, "can Oppa drop you off first?"

I frowned. Up till about five to six months ago, even though Young Hee and I had practically attended the same schools since kindergarten, we'd barely spoken to each other because she had her gang of supposedly cute girls and I had my gang of very intelligent and cool friends. And as we all knew, in high school, never the two shall meet. However, since she'd started dating my brother, she never ceased to say hello to me in school, come over and talk to me at lunch and even invite me to hang out with her and her friends. It was like dating my brother had made her realize that she was my long lost sister and she wanted to make up for lost time. But the annoying thing was that even if she was kissing my ass for my brother's sake, couldn't she have at least looked up the word 'subtle' in the dictionary first? I looked away from her heavily mascaraed dark eyes and out of the window.

"What do you say?" she asked hopefully.

I shook my head. "Sorry," I lied.

"Come on, Su Jin, the sooner you get home, the sooner you can talk to Min Ki oppa, right?"

And if she and my brother had been a little patient earlier at school, I would have been able to see him for a bit after returning to class from the football field. But because of them, I had to head straight home. "And what am I supposed to say when my father asks me why I came home alone?

She smiled sweetly. "I'm sure you can make something up."

I shook my head. "Sorry, but I don't lie to my parents." I quickly spun my face away so she wouldn't see me stick my tongue out.

***

"How was school?" my father asked shortly after I walked into the living room. Even though he'd been home for almost three weeks, it still felt strange seeing him sitting on the couch watching television. My brother ran past me and up the stairs.

I shrugged as I walked past him and into the kitchen. Leaving school had sucked but I knew it was the last thing he wanted to hear. He'd decided that we were moving away and there was absolutely nothing we could do about it. It didn't matter to him that he was pulling us out of school and taking my mother away from the career she'd built with almost no help from him. All he cared about was that he was the head of the house and what he said went.

"Did you hear what I just said?" my father barked just as I was about to reach for the fridge handle.

I dropped my hand down. "Yes, Abonim," I replied without looking at him.

"Then why didn't you answer me? If I ask you a question, I expect a response."

I sighed. Wasn't the shrug enough? "School was fine." When he didn't say anything else, I opened the fridge and reached for the blue jug.

I glanced at him as I filled my glass with water. Apparently, I took after him because we were both short and thin but I definitely didn't have his attitude. I opened the cupboard and looked for a snack but as usual, all we had were peanuts.

As I opened the car, I glanced at the living room and wondered why I hadn't been born to a different man. For all sixteen years of my life, if I were to add up all the time I'd spent with him, I doubted it would even come up to a year.

My father was a diplomat who'd worked at different consulates and embassies all across the world and even though I was proud that he was representing Korea abroad, it didn't change the fact that I barely really knew him. No, scratch that. We barely knew him.

Of course, his job afforded us the chance to visit places like Pretoria and Vienna but even when we visited him over the holidays, most of the time was spent sightseeing while he was away at work which worked for us because outside of greetings and discussions of school, my brother and I didn't have much to say to him. I was well aware that our relationship never really scratched the surface because whenever it was time for us to 'get real' and past the grace period of constant niceness and politeness, it was usually either time for him to return to whatever country he worked in or for us to return home.

It was certainly not a perfect relationship but I was used to it and pretty fine with keeping it that way but no, as soon as he got posted to Washington D.C., he decided he was sick and tired of living away from his family and suddenly wanted us to be closer.

And if that wasn't bad enough, because he'd taken time off to help with the relocation, he was home all the time and for some reason, or maybe it was the loneliness messing with his brain, whatever it was, he now felt the need to play the strict disciplinarian. My mother scolding me felt natural because it was part of who and what she was but from him, it was almost like a stranger had barged into our house, held us captive and started giving us orders. It neither felt good nor normal and it only angered me that now that we were moving with him, it would become permanent. Wasn't getting older all about gaining freedom and getting to do what you wanted? Why was it the opposite for us? I'd already planned to fill all my afternoons in America with classes like basket weaving and quilt making just so that I'd have a good excuse to spend less time at home.

I readjusted my bag on my back, picked up my almost full glass of water and headed towards my room.

"Are you coming back to watch some television?" my father asked.

"No. I have home…" I started to say, using my standard excuse of the previous weeks. Just to show how little he really cared, he didn't even seem to find it weird that I had homework despite having finished my exams but since he didn't ask, I kept saying it. But now that school was over.... "There's a book I'm reading," I mumbled before I picked up my steps and climbed onto the stairs.

***

I'd only just shut the door behind me when my phone rang. I dropped my glass on the dresser and picked up my phone.

A smile crept onto my face as I plugged my ear piece into it and jumped on my bed.

"Guess who?"

"Hey," I purred into the phone.

"Are you home yet?" Min Ki asked in a deep baritone.

I giggled. I always loved it when he tried to be Barry White. "So what's going on?"

"Nothing. Did you get your report card?"

I nodded even though he couldn't see me. "Yeah. Didn't you?"

"Yeah, I did. How are your grades?"

"Good enough." I gave him a detailed report. I was pretty pleased with them since I didn't end the year with any Cs. "You?"

"The usual," he said, which I assumed meant he'd done well enough. "So what are you doing this evening?"

I sighed. "Staring at the wall and hoping my father disappears. Are you going to see the new Superman movie tonight?"

As a way to commemorate the end of the school year, a bunch of kids from school were going to see the movie together and I was sure that it was going to end up in a party that was so good, I'd hate hearing about it.

"I thought we agreed that it'd be okay for me to go."

"I know," I said, sulking. "It just sucks that I can't go with you guys– especially since my mother already said it would be okay." I growled. "That man really pisses me off! And with the way he grills me every time I want to step out of the house, I doubt I'll be able to see you much before we leave." My heart started to hurt as the words escaped my lips. "I HATE MY LIFE!!!!"

I'd expected my boyfriend to at least try to console me by saying some sweet words but instead, he laughed.

"What's so funny?" Insensitivity was okay sometimes but certainly, this wasn't one of them!

"You," he said simply.

"What's funny about me? Are you happy that you don't have to see me again?"

"Hey, stop staying sh.it like that, okay? And don't worry about your dad."

"Whatever."

"I'm serious! We're going to spend so much time together that you'll be sick of me by the time you leave."

"Sure."

"I'm serious."

And from his tone, I could tell that he was. "Oppa." I paused for a few moments as my heartbeats picked up pace. "What are you talking about? I already told you that I can't tell my father about us." As far as that man was concerned, I was to 'face my books' till I graduated from college so if he knew anything Min Ki, there was no way I wouldn't end up at the mortuary.

He chuckled. "I know. That's not what this is about - I'll tell you all about it when I see you tomorrow."

"Tomorrow?" I asked incredulously.

"Yes, tomorrow."

Chapter 3

2010-12-29T21:13:00.000-08:00

I'd spent about an hour on the computer when I heard my father call me. "Yes, A-abonim," I answered, quickly adding the last word. Technically, I knew that it wasn't very polite to respond to elders with a simple, "Yes," but sometimes, I did lapse into it with my mother. However, I could still hear the tongue lashing I'd received the last I'd made that mistake with my father so I sometimes even answered with a 'Yes, Abonim, Abonim,' just to be on the safe side.

I waited for a few seconds, hoping that he'd tell me the reason for his call but I already knew that he was waiting for me to run down and see him face to face before completing his sentence.

I grudgingly walked out of my room and when I got to the top of the stairs, I found him waiting for me at the bottom.

"Why aren't you down here? Didn't you hear your mother return? Shouldn't you come down and help her with dinner?"

I sighed and walked down the stairs. The entire thing was ridiculous. Before he decided to become our lord and director, the three of us had our little routine that was working just fine. I made dinner on Tuesdays and Thursdays, my brother made dinner of Mondays and Wednesdays and my mother cooked on the other days. But now that my father had returned for good and believed that our family was in danger of becoming dysfunctional because my mother didn't play her role as she should have, everything had changed. This 'role' bullsh.it was probably the reason why I was always forced to help out in the kitchen while my brother got to enjoy sitting in his room alone, watching porn or whatever disgusting things boys his age did when they were alone.

I walked past my father and into the kitchen to find my mother bent over the counter, chopping some onions. She looked up at me and pointed at a bag of kale near the sink. "Will you wash and chop them up for me?" Nowadays, when I looked at her, I really didn't know what to think. Standing there in her white shirt and black pants, her hair falling against her face in a slight bob, her slim right hand moving up and down with every stroke of the knife, I really wasn't sure she was the mother I'd always known. Because that woman who had managed to be both a mother and a father to us while working as a General Practitioner at her own clinic wouldn't succumb so easily to my father's whims. Our family wasn't dysfunctional and we didn't need to shape up! If our family had worked so well even during the vacations we'd spent with my dad, why did he suddenly feel that we had to act differently now that we were going to be together for much longer? How did that make sense? And why hadn't my mother put her foot down and told him to get lost?

I'd always looked up to her as a strong, independent woman who was so unlike other mothers who looked to their husbands for guidance. I'd always thought of her as someone who did what she believed and didn't let anyone else dictate how she was going to live her life. I'd always assumed she was a mini feminist because she'd always treated my brother and me similarly and had the same expectations of us. But somehow, in a matter of weeks, this woman who didn't believe in gender-based partiality was okay coming home from a hard day at work to cook dinner while my brother was jumping around in his bedroom playing his new Wii game. Why wasn't she fighting it?

***

Another thing that changed was that while we'd previously eaten individually i.e. whenever we were hungry, now it was imperative that we all sit at the table and break bread like the loving and wonderful family we were aiming to be. So once dinner was ready, my mother let the men of the house know that the grub was ready for them to pounce upon.

"Yuh-bo, how was work? How is Dr. Lee managing with his new workload?" my father asked right after he said grace. Dr. Lee was a junior partner at my mother's clinic and was going to be taking over most of her patients in her absence. Through all the madness and transition, the one thing that my mother had fought to keep was her clinic. My father had wanted her to sell her stake to her partners but she refused so even though she wasn't going to be able to work there for the next few years, she still maintained ownership and was going to keep working in a much more minor capacity electronically. She'd excitedly explained it all to us one night over dinner but it had gone over my head. How one could be an e-doctor was beyond me.

"Jae Won," my mother said, "seems a bit overwhelmed but I'm sure he can handle it. We are also considering hiring a part timer to take on a few patients."

"I still think that you should just let it go," my father said pointlessly. "It makes no sense to still keep ties from so many miles away."

"That's why telephones and the internet were invented, darling," my mother countered in a far two sweet voice.

My father didn't say anything in return and after a few minutes of only hearing the clangs of cutlery against plates, my mother suddenly turned to me. "Are you excited about starting your English lessons tomorrow?"

What did she think? We had to get to up early to take lessons the day after the school year had ended. Was that something to be excited about? I glanced at my father who was wiping something off the top of his half-empty glass of water and shrugged. "Not really."

***

I waved at Tom, our English tutor, as I walked through our kitchen and into our little backyard class. The previous night, my brother and I had pushed the picnic table into a shaded area and had set the chalkboard up in front of it. When I turned the corner, I almost froze at the sight of Min Ki sitting at the table like a good little school boy.

I pinched myself. Was I still asleep? As if he heard my thoughts, he quickly waved and grinned at me.

I raised my brow at my older brother who was sitting across from him but he just rolled his eyes and turned over a page of his exercise book.

"Oppa?" What was he doing here?

He patted the empty part of the bench he was sitting on and gestured for me to sit next to him. I looked back to see if my father had somehow gotten into the kitchen and when I saw that it was still empty, I ran over to him.

"Hey, what are you doing here?" I whispered, a little out of breath. My heart was racing with both fear and excitement. For one, I couldn't believe he was actually there and two, I couldn't believe that he was actually there with my father being somewhere in our vicinity.

"I'm here for English lessons," he announced proudly.

I looked over at Tom who in turn nodded back at me. "He called me a few days ago and said that he wanted to join us. I hope that's okay with you," he said to me and my brother.

Even before we knew anything about our relocation, my brother and I usually took English lessons during the holidays just because it made things easier when we had to visit my father or even when we had to attend whichever embassy's event in Seoul. It was weird but regardless of the country, the diplomats and other official types tended to speak English. Tom was an American who worked at one of the local schools but gave private lessons on the side and he'd been working with us for a few years now.

"I don't think Min Ki is as advanced as you guys," Tom started, "but--"

My attention was immediately stolen by the kick I felt on my leg. Ouch. I frowned and kicked Min Ki back.

He chuckled but then bent down and rubbed his leg. When he looked up to frown at me for hurting him, I started giggling, but the nature of my giggles quickly changed because he soon took his hand off his calf and started tickling me at the bend of my knees.

"Oppa," I yelped, slapping his hand off, "d-d-don't d-d-do th-th-that!"

"Should we leave you two alone?" Tom asked sternly. From the way he was looking at us, it was apparent that he'd finally understood the real reason Ha Min Ki had decided to take English lessons so soon after school had closed.

Suddenly brought to my senses by his humorless expression, I quickly sat up in my seat and with one look from me, Min Ki oppa did the same.

***

It turned out that Min Ki had the English reading and comprehension abilities of a fetus, so after listening to Dong Won and me laughing our intestines out at the gibberish he was hoping to pass off as English, Tom gave us some work to do while he gave some one-on-one attention to him.

I knocked my pen against my teeth as I watched my boyfriend listening attentively to his teacher. Since I knew that he had no real interest in learning any languages, I was touched by the fact that he was not only willing to sacrifice his summer, but also willing to pay to take these boring classes just so that he could spend some time with me.

I was still staring at him and trying to figure out if we could sneak some private time in when my father walked into the room. As if even the angels in heaven had acknowledged the sudden appearance of evil, everything, including the air seemed to stand still.

"Dr. Oh," Tom said, bowing to my father. I often felt that simply answering as Mr. would be sufficient because calling him by the title usually led to people asking after his specialization and hearing 'Economics' generally confused them.

"How are the classes going?" my father asked in English. "I hope I'm not interrupting."

"Not at all," Tom replied. "They are doing some exercises, and in a few minutes," he said, glancing at his watch, "we should be going over them."

My father nodded. "Good. Dong Won ah, I am sure you're happy to have your friend here with you," he said smiling at Min Ki.

I crossed my fingers and hoped my brother would play along and luckily, he simply smiled back at my father. The truth was that Min Ki had started off as one of my brother's friends. My brother was usually one of the first in the neighborhood to get whichever video game was hot at that moment and as a result, he had a lot of hangers-on from both school and our neighborhood.

But Min Ki was a little different because they'd been friends from Sunday School and wonders of wonders, he even hung around my brother when he didn't have any new toys to share. Since my brother was my only sibling, when I was younger, I was usually in his care so even though he tried his best to ignore me, particularly when I was younger and did embarrassing things like poop on the school bus, I did know quite a bit of his friends and one day, I woke up and discovered that one look from Min Ki turned my knees to jelly.

One day, about a year into trying my best to retain my balance whenever I saw him, Min Ki pulled me aside and asked me to be his girlfriend. After getting over the initial shock because I'd only just lamented to Tae Ran about how he'd only ever see me as a dongseng, I said yes and the rest, as they say, was history.

About twenty minutes after my father's grand entrance, just as I finished reading out my essay about how cats were my favorite animal, my father cleared his throat and asked if it was okay for him to sit in for the lessons. Apparently, his English was rustier than he'd believed and he wanted to brush up his language skills along with us.

Of course, Tom agreed and with that, all fantasies of holding hands with Min Ki as I taught him English tongue twisters evaporated into thin air.

Chapter 4

2010-12-28T21:13:00.000-08:00

"Make sure you're back by 10:30," my father called as I walked out of the house with Na Young and Tae Ran. It was the evening before our family trip to The Promised Land so I was spending it with them. They'd come over to beg my father to let me stay out past my not so newly imposed curfew of 9pm (because he didn't understand why a young girl needed to be outside her home at night) and we were supposedly going bowling with the rest of my class.

"Yes, Sir!" Na Young said cheekily before she shut the door behind us. "Phew!" she exclaimed a few moments later as she unlocked the front gate. "With the way he was staring at me, I could almost swear that he could tell that we were lying."

"Shh!" I implored, nudging her. I was almost certain that my father was watching us from behind a drawn curtain and I didn't want him to get any hint of the fact that we were about to go to a party. "Do you know when the next bus comes?" I asked, walking briskly onto the road. When I was sure we were out of sight, I began to sprint. The sooner we got on the bus, the sooner my breathing could return to normal. My friends followed suit and about a minute later, we were sitting at the bus stop, fighting to catch our breaths.

I was in the middle of giggling about the entire stupid situation, when I felt familiar hands cover my ears. "Guess who?" he whispered.

My friends were even sneakier than I thought because I hadn't expected to see him till the party. My father's presence at our lessons had obviously killed any fantasies of creating any kind of love nest in my backyard so I was glad that after almost two months of seeing him almost everyday but being unable to touch him, I finally had him all to myself.

I took an embarrassingly dramatic deep breath and felt the fingers covering my eyes. "Who could this hand belong to? Kim Rae Won?" I asked hopefully.

"No. Try again," he replied coolly.

"Kim Jae Won?"

"Nope."

"Lee Min Ki?"

"Nope."

"Hmm…." I scratched my chin and pretended to think hard. "I'm sure I'm wrong but could it possibly be this one guy? What's his name again? Ha Min Ki or something like that?"

His hand fell off my face and settled on my shoulders. "You're getting better at this, Su Jin ah. It only took four guesses this time," he said before planting a kiss on my cheek.

Before I could respond, I heard the sound of Na Young pretending to throw up. Min Ki and I laughed while Tae Ran just shook her head at her. "One of these days, you'll get over your jealousy," she said to her.

"Why would I be jealous when almost every guy in town is fawning at my feet?" Na Young retorted. "Or have you forgotten that I'm the hottest girl in school?"

Well, she wasn't exactly hot. In fact, at first glance, one would peg her as the stereotypical self-deprecating chubby girl who used humor to mask her pain. Except she would swear that her personality had absolutely nothing to do with her looks and that she was very happy with her weight. She looked good enough to me but as we all know, guys suck.

"Are you guys ready to go?" Min Ki asked. "Jinnie, my car is over there," he said, pointing to his tan Hyundai parked along the street.

***

"I'm so jealous of you," Il Woo, one of my classmates, said to me. Il Woo and I had always maintained a nice, platonic friendship and when I said that I was going to miss him, I really meant it.

"You're jealous of me? I'm jealous of you. I wish I could stay here with you."

I'd been at the party for a little over an hour and the room had only begun to fill up. The more people came in, the more I realized that I was going to miss so many of them – even those I barely ever spoke to. Would this be the last time I was in a room filled with Korean faces? The thought of being the odd one out and never making any friends had only just begun to sink in and I was increasingly becoming more and more frightened. "I really wish I didn't have to leave," I said to myself.

"But it's America. Everyone wants to go to America."

I hissed. "Why? What's so great about it?" Hamburgers and baseball. Yep, sounded like heaven.

He shrugged. "Maybe you'll get to meet Michael Jackson?"

I rolled my eyes. "Why are you so stupid? This isn't 1980 so nobody wants to meet Michael Jackson anymore. The guy barely looks human these days," I said, immediately fighting the image of his fifteenth nose out of my head.

"Well, I wouldn't mind meeting him."

After a few more minutes of useless banter, I said, "You have to do something for me…." My voice trailed off when I noticed that his attention seemed to be elsewhere. "What's going on?"

He pointed behind me and I turned around to see my brother and his girlfriend going at it so hard that one would have thought that the world was five minutes from some kind of apocalypse. His tongue was so far Young Hee's throat that I was scared that it might come out of her butt.

I took a huge gulp of my Coke to keep the bile down and turned back to him. "Thanks so much for that. Next time, when you see my brother making out with someone, please keep it to yourself. Now I have to go to the bathroom and scrub my brain. And you," I said, slapping his hand to get him to refocus his attention on me, "if you ever want that to be you, you have to talk to Eun Bi at some point next term." Joo Eun Bi was an average-looking girl he had a major crush on but never had the courage to approach. She certainly didn't seem that intimidating to me and I had offered numerous times to play Cupid but he always refused.

"Oh, not that again. I told you I am not interested in her anymore."

"Yeah, right. Is that—" Before I could complete my sentence, I felt someone tap my shoulder. I looked over to find Min Ki standing behind me.

He nodded at Il Woo then to me, said, "Let's take a walk."

***

"I hope you don't mind but I just wanted to talk to you alone," he said as we walked on the pedestrian path. He took my hand and I smiled. Shortly after, we were swinging our arms together.

"I can't believe that I might not get to see you for like four or five years," I said. I didn't want to cry but walking with him on a random residential street in Seoul on a cool Summer evening was playing games with my tear ducts.

"So," he said, suddenly stopping.

I turned to him curiously.

"I got something for you." He hesitated before disentangled his fingers from mine then putting his hand in his pocket.

"What?" My eyes were trained on the outline of his hand in his pocket.

"Well," he began, "I'd wanted to get you a Blackberry or something like that just so that we can always been in touch."

I frowned. "I can check my email with my phone," I reminded him. And when exactly did electronics count as romantic gifts?

"Yeah, so I thought that this might be better," he said, pulling out a ring box.

My heart jumped to my throat as I looked up and stared into his eyes. A ring? I could feel my chest tightening as I inhaled to keep myself from panicking. He was awesome but sixteen was far too young to get married. But if he proposed to me, did I even have it in me to say no?

Not noticing my turmoil, he opened the box and revealed two rings.

I exhaled. Phew!

"I know that we're still very young but I wanted you to have this," he said, taking the smaller one and holding it up to me. "Will you wear this?"

I looked into his eyes and couldn't keep the tears from forming in mine. He looked so sincere and honest that I couldn't help but silently ask God what I'd done to deserve him.

"Will you?" he cajoled.

I stretched my shaking hand towards him.

He put the box back in his pocket then took my hand. "I know that you can't really wear it all the time but will you wear it today?"

I nodded and watched him slip it on my finger. It was a little too big so I tilted my finger to keep it from falling. I smiled at him then down at my finger. Even though it was a very simple ring, my hand had never looked so beautiful.

"I love you, my Jinnie and I want us to still be together when you return to Korea in five years. What do you think?" Without waiting for a response, he moved closer to me and when I raised my eyes up and looked into his, all I could see was how he felt about me and I knew that he meant every word. He really wanted to be with me forever.

My chest tightened again as he moved closer and pushed his lips towards mine. We were one of those couples who usually held hands and gave each other pecks but when it came to kisses, for some reason, we never did. It wasn't like we avoided them but there never really seemed to be a reason for us to do it. Plus, at the back of my mind, I never really wanted to initiate any kisses just in case I disappointed him with how badly I was at it.

But at that moment, feeling his breath against my upper lip, I knew that the time had finally come.

As he moved closer and closer, I didn't really know what to do. Was I supposed to shut my eyes and tilt my head? Was I supposed to part my lips? When his lips touched mine, was I supposed to press mine back at his? Or was I supposed to remain still and just let him kiss me?

A million thoughts were still shooting through my brain when it finally happened. It felt like soft skin brushing against my lips and I was so shocked that I froze. I thought of parting my lips but immediately changed my mind. What if he tasted my tongue and threw up? So I kept my lips together and tried to ignore the tickling sensation of his nose brushing against my cheek.

A few seconds later, he stopped. My first kiss! I'd survived my first kiss! Then I looked into his smiling eyes and immediately felt sad. Did I have to wait for like five years for my next one?

"Want to go back to the party?"

I jerked forward and threw my hands around him. No, I didn't want to go back to any stinking party. I wanted to be with him so that he could give me enough kisses to last a lifetime. "No, Oppa. Let's stay here for a while longer."

Chapter 5

2010-12-27T21:16:00.000-08:00

My brother and I dragged our luggage into the airport while my mother waited with my father as he paid the cab driver. Since our flight was leaving early in the morning and we had to arrive about three hours before our departure time, my father refused to inconvenience any of our relatives by letting them drop us off.

The good thing about sneaking out even before the roosters awoke was that since it was still dark out, I really didn't get to see Seoul as I left it. If I'd been able to see the tree my brother use to keep me from climbing when I was a kid, or the bus stop right in front of the arcade I used to visit with Tae Ran and Na Young or the library I used to pretend to study at just to hang out with Min Ki, or any of the million things I no longer noticed because I'd become so used to them, I would have arrived at the airport in a soaked t-shirt.

As we approached the Continental Airlines check-in counter, I recognized a familiar figure clad in a red t-shirt and dark jeans leaning against it and bobbing his head around like he was searching for someone.

"What's he doing here?" my brother asked, vocalizing my thoughts.

Panic set in.

"Oh God, I'm dead. I am so freaking dead," I said between gritted teeth. I glanced back and saw my oblivious parents not too far behind us. I turned back to look at Min Ki and saw that he was still looking for us amongst the crowd. Glad that he hadn't seen us, I figured that it was time to make a quick getaway. Maybe I could run to the ladies' room and wait there till he left. Armed with my brilliant plan, I made a 90 degree turn but before I could get far, my brother quickly caught my elbow and dragged me with him.

"Oppa! Please, let me go," I whispered to him.

Instead of doing that, he kept his hand clamped on my arm and just laughed.

"What's so funny? If your father finds out about us, you know he's going to kill me, right?"

He raised his brow. "Meaning that I wouldn't have to share the inheritance with you?"

"God, you're so hilarious," I said sarcastically. I looked back at the check-in counter and caught Min Ki's smile. He waved as he walked towards us.

C.R.A.P. "Oppa, go away! Go away!" I mouthed. I shook my head vigorously. "Don't come here! Please, go! GO AWAY!" I mouthed with all my energy.

His brows furrowed in confusion but he kept walking towards us. Okay, so that fortune teller I'd spoken to was really a fraud? How in the world was I going to achieve international fame if my father killed me way before my seventeenth birthday?

Almost like it was in slow motion, I watched as Min Ki's figure grew bigger and bigger and he got closer to us. I glanced back and saw that my parents were almost walking in step with us so there was no way I could just drop my luggage and sprint out of the airport.

I looked at my father's face and saw him watching Min Ki curiously.

Yep, my life was over.

A cold shiver shot through my body and just as I was about to pee in my brand new dark denim skinny jeans, Dong Won jumped in between us and gave Min Ki a bear hug. "Hey you, you didn't have to come," my brother said cheerfully.

"What is this? Yuh-bo, what is this? Why is the Ha boy here?" my father asked gruffly.

"He wanted to see him off," my mother stated the obvious.

"But…what kind of relationship do they have?"

"I'm going to miss you so much," my brother yelled before he hugged him even tighter. Then he titled his head and it was obvious that he was whispering something in his ear.

I felt a little better because I was quite sure my brother was telling him to play along with his little ruse.

My father suddenly rushed forward and tried to subtly pry Dong Won off Min Ki. When they were separated, he looked at them with both a mixture of shock and uneasiness.

"Dong Won ah…," he started to say before turning to Min Ki. My father ran a nervous hand through his hair. "H-ha Min Ki, what brings you here?" he asked before looking disappointedly at my brother.

"What's going on?" my mother asked me. I shrugged and watched the scene with both a mixture of dread and relief. I was glad that my brother had intervened but I still didn't know what was coming next.

Min Ki bowed to my father. "Good morning, sir. I just came to say goodbye."

My father reached across to pat his shoulder, hesitated then dropped his hand back. "Thank you. But this wasn't necessary since we only saw you a few days ago. When two boys are friends…," my father started to say in a high pitched tone. He appeared to be going through some internal battle and his lips quivered like he didn't know if he should speak up or not.

Confused, I looked away and caught my brother's deadly look. That was when it dawned on me: my father suspected that they were gay lovers.

I covered my mouth to eliminate the sounds of my subsequent laughter then gave my brother the thumbs up. Hey, since the beginning of time, Oppas protected their dongsengs. In fact, it was something that was written in every single holy book. And so what if my father thought he was gay? Big deal. All he'd have to do was maintain the charade for the rest of the time – I was sure there were plenty of hot guys in America who wouldn't mind dating my brother. And was that a huge sacrifice? Nope. It was called taking one for the team.

Relieved that it might actually be possible for me to live long enough to be invited to Stockholm Concert Hall, I chuckled at my silliness, picked up my luggage then reminded my family that we had to get into the check-in line. After another long look at my brother and Min Ki, my father picked up his suitcase and led us to the line. I hung back a little so that my mother, then my brother, could line up ahead of me.

For the twenty or so minutes that we were in line, while Min Ki was killing time by speaking to my brother, I wanted to send him some kind of signal to let him know that I appreciated his kind gesture. The previous night, instead of returning to the party, we just sat together in silence till it was time for me to return home with my friends. It hadn't been easy parting with him and underneath all my fears, I was still happy to see him one more time. But every time I started to say something, my father glanced back and saw me.

When our luggage had been checked through and our boarding passes were firmly in our hands, my father sent one last uncomfortable look to Min Ki and said, "Thanks for seeing us off."

He bowed to him. "Please have a safe trip."

"You will try to maintain contact with Dong Won?" my father asked in a way that implied that he really didn't want him to.

Min Ki took a deep breath then turned to me. My heart immediately started thumping and even though I looked away to avoid his eyes, I could already feel my cheeks reddening. Why did he have to look at me like that?

From the way my father's eyes danced from Min Ki to me, I knew that later that night, he'd probably mark that day as one of the most confusing in his lifetime.

While Min Ki's eyes were still boring into me, even though I tried my best not to, I found my eyes slowly turning back to look into his dark brown ones. I averted my gaze for a second then looked back at him. I'm really going to miss you.

In response, he reached across, grabbed my hand then pulled me to his side.

Knowing that it would be both stupid and wrong to pull his fingers off my wrist, I smiled foolishly as I looked at the shocked expressions on my parents' faces and then frowned when I caught the amused one on my brother's.

I looked up at Min Ki and hissed. Did he really need to do that? All he'd had to do was send me a look that told me that he'd miss me too.

He smiled down at me then sighed. "Su Jin ah, we have to do this sometime, don't we?" Then he looked back at my parents. "Mr. and Mrs. Oh, I'll like to introduce myself as Su Jin's boyfriend."

Great. Thank God murder wasn't allowed on transcontinental flights. But what did American coffins look like?

Chapter 6

2010-12-26T22:28:00.000-08:00

The one good thing about traveling with my father was that we got to experience the joys of Diplomatic Immunity. And what did that mean? It meant that once my father flashed his green passport, we didn't have to wait in line or go through Customs. I always wondered about the whole practice of granting free entry to certain individuals. Weren't they, in effect, giving some people license to carry contraband? If I were some kind of drug lord, there was no way I wouldn't kidnap a few diplomats' kids to get them to smuggle in a few million dollars worth of heroine. And cocaine. And maybe a few bowls of grandma's kimchi.

"Hurry up," my brother roared at me. It had been a long flight but did he really have to take his frustration out on me? Besides, it wasn't like we were standing on the very long and slow moving 'Non-Citizens' line with the other frustrated passengers. But it did feel rather good to glide past them. So good that I couldn't stop myself from giving them a Miss Universe wave.

I followed my family till we found the Embassy driver holding my father's name on his little cardboard placard. I stepped through the automatic doors and into the sweltering heat.

Okay.

So maybe if I'd been arriving in Saudi Arabia, I would have been more prepared for it. Or was it because I'd stepped out from an air-conditioned airport and onto the street? But that wasn't exactly a unique situation; after all, I constantly went in and out of air conditioned buildings in Seoul. Whatever it was, I hadn't quite expected so much humidity and stillness in the air. It was only a short walk from the doors to the parking lot but I could already feel beads of sweat forming on my head.

"Is it always this hot?" I asked the driver as we loaded our luggage into the van.

The tall, stocky man called George shook his head and laughed. "Only in August. August in Virginia is always like this but don't worry, it'll get a better," he said cheerfully. "I'll turn the air on in the car."

"Oh, great," I started to say, fanning myself. But wait a minute, did he just say Virginia!?!?!

****

"Welcome," the ambassador's wife said the moment we stepped into her home. Her unnecessarily handsome husband stood graciously behind her and smiled at us. "I'm so happy to see you!" she said, flinging her arms around us and kissing us on our cheeks. "I've really been looking forward to meeting you guys," she said in English with what I later learned was a twang. As in t-wang.

So, even though I hadn't spent my life fluent in English, I could tell the difference between regular English and cowboy English. For some reason, I'd never really thought that people actually spoke like that – I'd somehow just thought it was some kind of long running joke. But apparently, I was wrong. Or maybe DCians Virginians didn't realize that the joke was on them.

George had tried to explain it all to me, something about the DMV area, but I couldn't quite understand why people claimed to be living in D.C. when in fact, they were in Virginia. I mean, the stupid airport was called Washington Dulles International Airport, but the damn thing wasn't even in Washington, D.C. How in the world did that make sense?

And to make matters worse, although I hadn't really expected the streets to be paved in gold, driving through the state and looking at the wooden buildings with their square, symmetrical shapes and white columns, I'd wondered if I'd somehow become a character from "Gone With The Wind." Surely, this wasn't America!!? What happened to all the cool people in all the Christina Aguilera videos?

"So would you like some soda?" Mrs. Kim asked us as she led us to the living room where her daughter and son were seated, looking very grumpy.

In the past, whenever I was visiting my Dad and he took us to see the Ambassadors in which ever country we were in, they always spoke Korean to us so it was quite weird to see a Korean lady only speak to us in English.

"So what do you think of America so far?" she asked.

After a few minutes of pointless gab, it was dinnertime. To welcome us, she'd laid out a huge spread of "American cuisine" which constituted of mashed potatoes, ham and other things that didn't seem to improve in taste no matter how much salt and pepper I sprinkled on them. On occasions like this, I usually occupied myself by looking at the different ways the Coat of Arms could be stamped on very single piece of silverware and furniture but this time, even that couldn't detract from the bland taste.

After dinner, the ambassador claimed he noticed that us kids were getting bored with all the adult talk so he suggested that we go and hang out in the game room.

***

My brother and the ambassador's 10 or so year old child were playing videogames when his 17 year old sister sat next to me.

"You're going to need English lessons?" she asked in accented Korean.

I shrugged. If I did, it certainly was news to me.

"Well," she said, looking over at the boys in front of the television, "I wasn't too keen on it before but…." She looked back at me. "Your brother wouldn't be attending our school?"

I groaned and looked away. I couldn't remember her name but I wasn't sure I even wanted to. With her slim physique, long hair and pouty lips, she would have been just his type if her chest wasn't as flat as a t-board. But come on, what was it with all these girls and my brother? He wasn't that hot.

"Is he?" she asked, nudging me.

"He already graduated. He's going to university."

"Oh," she said, not bothering to hide her disappointment. "So I guess he wouldn't be living at home?"

"I don't know."

"You don't know? Interesting." She looked back at my brother and let her eyes linger on him. "How's your English?"

"Don't worry about it."

She turned back and smiled at me in the condescending manner an adult smiled at a child. "Say something in English."

I rolled my eyes. "Forget it. I really don't need English lessons."

"Come on," she said, slapping my knee playfully. "Just say anything."

I sighed. "My name is Oh Su Jin."

"We're in America, so say Su Jin Oh instead."

I frowned. "My name is Su Jin Oh."

She nodded. "Yep, you definitely need my help." She was fighting to keep her eyes trained on me but failing miserably because they kept darting at my brother. "I'll definitely love to help you."

***

"Su Jin ah," my father called from the bedroom. "Come to my room now."

"Den den den, you're in big trouble! Den den den," my brother chanted from across the living room. Dropping the letter I was writing to Min Ki, I got up, glared at my brother, took a deep breath in and reluctantly got off the couch. It had been a week since we arrived in the United States and my parents hadn't said a word to me about the whole airport incident. After walking around on eggshells for the first few days, I'd decided that by some miracle, they really didn't care. But from my father's tone, I knew that I was wrong. With my heart getting heavier with every step, I climbed up the carpeted steps.

Their bedroom door was ajar so about a minute later, I pushed it in further. My mother told me to step in and shut the door behind me.

"Sit over there," my father ordered, pointing at my mother's vanity chair. He sat on the bed next to my mother and looked directly at me. "That boy isn't your boyfriend, is he?" my father barked.

"W-which boy?" It was a stupid thing to say but with the daggers shooting out of his eyes, it was all that I could come up with.

"Oh Su Jin, the boy who held your hand at the airport and claimed he was your boyfriend," my mother said patiently.

"Ha Min Ki?" I asked sheepishly.

"Yes, him," my father barked. "Isn't he the one I allowed to come to my house almost every day for two months? The one I used to ask to stay for lunch before going home? The one, who I assumed was your brother's best friend? Or is there another Ha Min Ki?"

With my shoulders slumped, I shook my head.

I watched my father's feet as he paced up and down the room. He stopped right in front of me. "He's not your boyfriend, right? Isn't it true that you're not allowed to have boyfriends?"

I looked down and nodded.

"Good," my father said, heaving a huge sigh of relief. "Yuh-bo, isn't that what I said?"

"Su Jin ah," my mother said softly, "you weren't dating Min Ki?"

"I was."

"Then why did you just lie to me?" my father yelled.

"I didn't lie. I was only agreeing with you that it was true that I shouldn't have boyfriends," I said so softly that I wasn't sure they could hear me.

"What is that? What does that mean? What is a boyfriend, Su Jin? What does that mean?" my father was practically screaming at the top of his lungs. "You kids watch television and think that you can just copy everything you see there. What do you know about a boyfriend at your age?"

I shut my eyes and tried to block the sounds of his bellow. How was this fair? What was so wrong about loving someone? Did he really have to scream at me like that? Even though I didn't want to give him the satisfaction, I couldn't stop the tears from stinging my eyes.

"What did you gain from this boyfriend-girlfriend business? How long has it been going on for?"

I kept my lips together and didn't look up.

"Answer me! Ans--"

"Stop shouting at her!" my mother interjected.

The tears had begun to fall freely now. What had I done wrong? Had I robbed a bank? Had I murdered a new born child? Had I poured acid on someone's face? What crime had I committed?

My mother walked over to me and stroked my hair. "Sweetheart, how long has this been going on for?"

I looked up at her through the blur of my tears. Was she putting on an act for my father or had she also been oblivious about our relationship? There were times she'd walked in on me talking to him on the phone and even caught us talking alone a few times he was supposedly visiting my brother. She hadn't figured it out? "Not long, Umma."

She sighed. "I know that it might seem like we are being unfair, but you have to understand that you're still a little child to us."

"She's not just a little child to us - she's a little child. Period," my father growled.

"What happened between you… you know… I mean, you and him, you know in that way?" she asked, sounding both choked and terrified. The way parents spazzed while attempting to speak to their children about sex, you'd think that they were all virgins. "Nothing happened at all. Am I right?" she asked hopefully.

From the look in her eyes, I knew she so badly wanted it to be true. And I was a little saddened that she even had doubts. I'd always thought that at least, she knew that I wasn't that kind of girl.

"Nothing happened?" she repeated.

I nodded. "Nothing happened." Kissing didn't count. Right?

Satisfied, my mother finally exhaled then went back to sit on the bed. "Well, since he's still in Korea, I guess things are different. So end it now. By the time you return, you'd be old enough and if you want to continue, then I will give you my blessing then."

"They won't be receiving my blessing for sneaking around all this while. If he wanted to see my daughter, he should have told us about it instead of making a fool of me."

"But you know that things are different here in America," my mother said, ignoring my father's rant. "American boys are different. They expect things. School starts tomorrow and you're going to meet all sorts of people there. I am sure you might be curious but remember that it will be different with American boys. If you let them touch you, they will want more. If it gets too far, you never know what they will do. So there's no rush, okay? Just face your studies and forget about boys. Be patient and when you get older, you will find someone and get married. Okay?"

No Min Ki, no American boys, no life. I looked up at her. "Yes, Umma," I lied.

Chapter 7

2010-12-25T18:52:00.000-08:00

I opened my brand new locker and stuffed some books in it. After spending the last few minutes at the school office getting my schedule and talking to the school principal, I was quite excited to begin school. Mrs. Anderson's petite stature and soothing voice had really eased my nerves and I was suddenly far less intimated about being the new girl. In fact, judging by how much she appeared to love heading our school, it looked like it would be quite fun.

"Hey," a smooth, deep voice said from behind me.

I turned around to find myself staring at the most beautiful man I'd ever seen. His hair was cropped pretty short although he did have a few strands falling across his forehead. He was probably about a foot taller than I was so my face was directly in front of what I was sure was a toned chest.

I'd never experienced this type of sudden increase in heart beats, dry mouth, suddenly sweaty palms caused by the mere proximity to a member of the opposite gender. Dang, I could even smell his masculine musk! Well, I figured that was what all the romance novels referred to as 'masculine musk.' My knees had given way at the sight of Min Ki, but this was an entirely foreign state of being.

"Sougeenow?"

I looked into his bright green eyes and held my breath. Great. The epitome of Adonis-ness was speaking to me and he just had to use an English word I was absolutely unfamiliar with. Maybe I really did need English lessons after all.

I gulped and nodded. "Okay?" I said hoping it was a reasonable response to the question. I didn't quite want to say yes and end up agreeing to something embarrassing.

He crinkled his brows and studied my face. "Okay? You don't know who you are? Aren't you Sougeenow?"

Huh? Sougee…? "Oh, Su Jin Oh?" I giggled in relief. "Yes, I'm Su Jin Oh!" Of course I was Su Jin Oh. I nodded. I really had to get used to saying my name backwards. "How did you know?"

He leaned against my locker and gave me the sexiest smile I'd ever seen in my life. I honestly didn't know that stretched out lips could ever look so appealing.

I shyly looked away from him.

"I didn't think you were Okwudili Nwankwo," he said in an amused tone.

I giggled even though I didn't know if it was a joke. But wait a minute? Why was I giggling shamelessly at him? I averted my eyes and silently began to chant Min Ki's name. Min Ki oppa! Min Ki oppa! Min Ki oppa!

"I'm Jonathan Mendez," he said, stretching his hand out to me.

"Hi," I beamed, accepting it. My skin tingled at his touch and when his hand lingered on mine, I hoped that I wouldn't die from an electrocution. Yeah, extremely cheesy but boy, was it true. Min Ki oppa! Min Ki oppa! Min Ki oppa!

He grinned and looked into my eyes. "You're pretty hot," he said, obviously unaware of the steps I was taking to not be affected by him. "Damn sexy too. And got such a cute, little face. I'm glad you decided to come here."

"Really?" I asked stupidly.

He stepped back so that he could take a better look at me. Then he licked his lips.

Eww. My stomach churned. Why did he have to spoil all that hotness by doing something so nasty?

"So," he said, retracing his steps back to me. "What are you doing tonight? Let's hang out or something," he said, once again licking his lips.

I sighed. So maybe the licking lips thing was something he did involuntarily? And why did he have to have such Won Bin lips?

I tried to look away but for some reason, my eyes insisted on remaining glued on his lips. Min Ki oppa! Min Ki oppa! Min Ki oppa!

"So what do you say?" he asked, nodding in a pleading manner. "Give me your address and I'll pick you up."

"Get lost, Jon. She isn't interested in you," someone said before dragging me by the elbow.

***

I really shouldn't have let strange hands take me away, but I instantly knew they were female and grudgingly acknowledged that it was for my own good. When we were a few feet away from Jonathan, I pushed her hand off me. "What kind of school is this? Do you know me?" Or was it an American thing to touch strangers?

She rolled her eyes and laughed. "You should be thanking me." She glanced back at Jonathan. "You really need to stay away from him. He's the worst kind of player because he just loves to prey on innocent little newbies like you."

I frowned at her then readjusted my school bag on my shoulder. Then I bent over and straightened out my clothes. There was no way I was going to walk around my first day of school looking like a hobo.

"Su Jin Oh?" she suddenly said.

Surprised, I stood up straight and looked at her. "How do you know?'

She pointed behind her. "It's on the notice board. Apparently, we have three new students this year: Mark Williams, Okwusomething Nwanother and Su Jin Oh." She shrugged. "I took a wild guess."

She started walking again so I followed suit. She glanced at me. "You do realize that it's summer, right?"

"So?"

"So, why are you wearing so many layers?"

I looked down at my skirt, tights, knee high socks, blouse, t-shirt and sweater. "It's called fashion," I pointed out. What kind of rude girl was she?

"Fashion, huh? It's a good thing that the air-con is on full blast, otherwise, you'd melt," she sassily.

I smirked at her. "But since the air is on full blast, aren't you freezing?" I looked at her flimsy tank top and shorts. If her shorts were an inch higher, you'd think she was wearing a one piece swimsuit. She was lucky she had a slim, toned body otherwise, she'd have looked like a wh.ore.

She flipped her long dark hair then looked down at her clothes then back at me. She narrowed her light brown eyes. "It's called fashion," she deadpanned.

For a few seconds we both tried to stare the other down till we realized it was futile and burst out laughing.

"Hi, I'm Alison Crawford, but you can call me Ali."

I nodded. "Cool. Hi, Ali."

"Yeah, I think it makes me sound exotic… kinda like, Mohammed Ali or Ali Baba and the forty thieves."

Hmm… okay.

After about a moment of silence, she raised her brow and asked, "Anna?"

Confused, I shook my head. "No. Su Jin."

She rolled her eyes. "I know that. I'm asking if you're Ana… as in, anorexic? You know, the girls who starve themselves to look like toothpicks?"

I shook my head vehemently. "Of course not. I'm naturally like this – I take after my father." Goodness. Couldn't a girl be skinny in peace?

She looked at me skeptically. "I guess it could be true. Your skin looks healthy and even though you're bony, you're not exactly flat-chested." She nodded. "Alright, I'm convinced. I'm about to go to my math class but let's eat lunch together. Bye!"

***

About ten minutes into lunch, I figured out how Ali managed to keep her trim figure – she spent her entire lunch break talking! Not that I minded because I got up to speed on all the gossip about people I didn't know from the back of my hand.

"But I really don't know how Lisa is going to cope when she returns after spending her entire summer at a convent in Switzerland."

I shrugged. "Maybe she didn't mind it?" The entire tale seemed a bit farfetched.

"She didn't mind it? How would you like being shipped out of the country to stay with nuns just because you're pregnant?" She sighed. "I'd absolutely hate it," she said, playing with her fingernails. "When I go to Switzerland, I don't go to spend my whole day saying the rosary."

"Maybe it was a fun convent like in 'The Sound of Music'?" I offered.

She groaned. "Su Ji—"

"Hey," Jonathan's silky voice interrupted. "So, Miss Su Jin Oh, have you thought about what—"

Why did I like the way he said my name? Min Ki oppa! Before I could refuse his offer, Ali banged the table with enough force to lift my fork off my plate of uneaten oily pizza.

"Jon, are you deaf? Just get lost!"

Jonathan shook his head and smirked at her. "Get over it, Alison and don't let your jealousy kill you." After sending her a few more irritated looks, he changed his demeanor then smiled at me. "See you later, Su Jin," he said way too sexily.

***

Since there was obviously bad blood between Alison and Jonathan, I tried to force myself into eating some sweet corn while she ranted about how much of a monster he was. Plus it didn't help that every other sentence was a warning for me to stay away from him. Even if I didn't already have Min Ki in my life, I wouldn't have wanted to get in between whatever was going on between them.

"She's right," a male voice said out of nowhere. Alison and I turned to its direction to find a lanky Asian boy frowning at us. "Jonathan Mendez is no good and I wouldn't want any of my sisters to fall victim to him like she did," he said, looking at Alison and chuckling.

"Drop dead," she said before stuffing some pizza in her mouth.

"Su Jin Oh?" the guy asked before sitting next to me.

I groaned. "Does everyone visit this notice board?" My plans for blending in unnoticed had obviously been thwarted by that blasted thing.

Alison took a sip of her diet coke and nodded. "Yep. It's the best thing ever and it always has the juiciest gossip. But you have to make sure you check it out first thing in the morning before one of the annoying teachers takes down all the good stuff. Right now, I'm sure you'll only find school related stuff but this morning, I saw a list of all the couples that broke up over the summer," she said gleefully. She rubbed her hands together. "I can't believe Ranjit and Amina broke up. I thought they'd at least last till college!"

I squinted at her. Should gossip excite one person so much? "Interesting," was all I could come up with. I spun my head from her to find the boy staring at me. "What?"

"Fawb?" he asked after a few moments.

"Huh? What's 'fawb'?"

He laughed. "Not pub. A pub is where Irish people go to get drunk. Fob starts with an 'f' and not a 'p'. As in F.O.B…."

I still wasn't getting it. "Meaning…?"

He nodded. "I guess that would be a yes. I mean, you do sound like one. It's someone who's only just arrived in the United States. F.O.B = Fresh of the boat."

I frowned. That didn't sound like a compliment. "What's that supposed to mean? I flew here. I certainly didn't take a boat," I pointed out before I paused and thought about it some more. "Did you just insult me?"

He shook his head. "No. Forget about it," he dismissed before reaching into his bag and pulling out a camcorder. He turned it on then directly at me. "Okay, fob, tell me about your first day at Brighton Academy. Good? Bad? Did it live up to your expectations? Did you at least make one sensible friend?"

Before I could tell him that I wasn't interested in his camera, Alison shoved him so hard he fell off the bench. "Stop bugging my friend!"

He got back up, shoved her lightly then smiled at me. "Let's do this again," he said before taking a deep breath. "Sorry for being rude. Where are my manners?" He stretched his hand out to me. "My name is Drake… no, Chase. No, Stone? How about Brandon?"

I eyed him. Was this guy completely insane?

"Still not impressed?" he asked disappointedly. "What name will make agree to participate in my documentary?"

What the hell was going on?

"Ali, is something wrong with him?"

She shrugged. "Just ignore him like the rest of us do and hopefully, one of these days, he'll realize that he's not Stephen Spielberg and throw that cheap camera away."

"Ali, this camera cost a lot," he said before mentioning all its attributes. "Grow up and stop being a hater," he said as he sat back next to her. He blew some nonexistent dust off his seemingly prized possession then trained it back on me. "What about Preston? Jake? Bruce? Enrique…," he continued, apparently attempting to spout out all the male names he probably crammed from a baby naming book.

I watched him with a mixture of amusement and confusion. What a weirdo. I laughed. I had so much to tell Min Ki oppa.

"…Brody, Keagan, Zander…."

"Ryan!" Alison screamed. "LEAVE MY FRIEND ALONE!"

Chapter 8

2010-12-24T20:19:00.000-08:00

I had some time between lunch and my next class so I went to the computer room to check my email. Apparently, it took about 10 days to get something as simple as DSL installed so we were still waiting for it to be turned on at home. I logged on to my email account to find that I had 120 new messages. After deleting all the spam, I was left with about 8 real messages; 1 from Il Woo, 1 from Tae Ran, 1 from Na Young, 1 from Young Hee, my brother's girlfriend (WTF?), and 4 from Min Ki. Seeing his name in bold black letters made me feel all gooey inside so I quickly clicked on the first email. It was funny how I didn't realize how much I missed him till I saw his name.

Date: 6 August 14:27:03
From: "Ha Min Ki"
Subject: Guess who?
To: "Oh Su Jin"

Jinnie,

How was your flight? I am quite sure that you're on the plane at this very moment but I just wanted to send this email to you so that it would be the first thing you read once you arrived in America. Take to you soon.

Missing you already,
Oppa.

---

I smiled. How sweet. I could picture him smiling and writing the email as he anticipated my reaction to it. I felt a little sad that I wasn't able to get to it sooner but that only meant that I had 3 more emails to read, right? I clicked on the next one.

Date: 8 August 01:15:42
From: "Ha Min Ki"
Subject: Guess who again?
To: "Oh Su Jin"

Hey Jinnie,

You should have arrived by now. I thought you would have emailed me by now but I guess you're still settling in. What is America like? Is it like Seoul? Does everything just seem more expensive? Does it look like it does in the movies? Have you witnessed a drive-by shooting yet? Make sure you take care of yourself. Well, email me as soon as you can just so I know that you're alright. Okay?

Yours,
Min Ki

---

My upturned lips immediately changed position. Stupid Verizon DSL! Why did they have to take so long to turn the stupid service on? Was it really that hard to just hit a button? What was with the whole production? Did Min Ki oppa deserve to worry about me so much? I clicked on the next email with trepidation.

Date: 9 August 22:58:31
From: "Ha Min Ki"
Subject: America must be fun!
To: "Oh Su Jin"

Su Jin,

I guess you haven't been able to reply because you're having so much fun. I'm so jealous. I called the airline and they said that your plane arrived safely. I'm so glad that you're okay. Well, I guess you can email me when you get time. Take care.

Ha Min Ki

---

My heart sank further. From the tone of his email, I could already tell that he was mad at me so I prayed that he'd be understanding when I tried to explain it all to him. I thought about it then reprimanded myself for my foolishness. Of course, he'd be understanding, after all, he was my Ha Min Ki. Feeling a bit more positive, I clicked on his last email.

Date: 12 August 15:48:56
From: "Ha Min Ki"
Subject: I'm sorry
To: "Oh Su Jin"

Jinnie,

I was just thinking and I hope that you're not being punished because of what I did at the airport. It was just that I felt that sneaking around made it look like we were ashamed of being together and you know that I can never be ashamed of you. If you're suffering because of something I did, I really apologize. Tell me what I can do to fix it. I emailed Dong Won but he hasn't emailed me back. I wonder what that means. Is he angry about what I did? Anyway, contact me whenever you have time – my number is still the same.

Love,
Oppa.

---

I exhaled then smiled again. Although I hated that he'd begun to blame himself for my silence, I was glad that he'd figured out that I wasn't just ignoring him. Yes, he'd come to the wrong conclusion but that was fine with me. I quickly logged on to Instant Messenger to find him but he wasn't logged on. I did some calculations and realized that he was probably asleep because it was very early in Seoul. I paused for a few moments to collect my thoughts then hit the 'reply' button.

Date: 14 August 12:48:19
From: "Oh Su Jin"
Subject: I miss you loads!
To: "Ha Min Ki"

Oppa,

How are you? I'm so sorry I haven't been able to get in touch with you. We arrived safely but I've not been able to contact you because we don't have any internet connection at home yet. I should be getting my cell phone service sometime this week so I'll email my number as soon as I get it.

How are your parents? And your sister? I hope everything is great at home. Don't feel bad about what happened at the airport – my parents were pretty cool about it. I guess they don't mind since you're so far away! biggrin.gif I think they think that if I remain faithful to you, then they don't have to worry about American boys. Silly. Like I'll ever look at American boys when I have you. But anyway, I am sure that they fully support us so don't worry about the airport – you did a great thing! It was so romantic - I felt like the damsel being rescued by the knight. See? There's nothing wrong with reading romance novels.

So far, my school has been pretty okay even though it's only the first day. Everyone I have met so far has been great and I'm not having any trouble communicating or anything. I don't know why it was so scared. I attend an international school so I get to meet loads of people from all over the world and I don't feel like the odd one out or anything. I have class soon so I'll write you a super long email later.

I hope you reply soon and I can't wait till I can hear your voice again. America would be so much more fun if you were here with me. Talk to you later.

Love,
Jin.

***

I stared at my pen and almost blank sheet. I'd had chemistry, art and math before lunch so it hadn't been that difficult to follow what the professors were saying because they wrote the equations or drew as they spoke so all I needed to do was look at the chalkboard and copy.

But in the last 40 minutes my history teacher had been speaking and dictating notes, I hadn't been able to get down more than a few lines. Part of it was that she was speaking like a cowgirl so it was pretty hard to follow her and the other part was because I had difficulty translating what she said to written words. I was still having a relatively hard time trying to think in English so I wouldn't waste time translating everything I heard to Korean first, understanding it, coming up with a response in Korean, translating it back to English then speaking. Tom had explained that the best way for us to learn to be fluent was to start thinking in English. Other than saving time, it also reduced the chances that the person you were speaking with would peg you as someone with a mental disability.

I listened as she dictated some more notes but every time I'd just about figured out what to write, she was already on the next paragraph. I growled in frustration and dropped the pen. I didn't want to give up but I didn't know what other options I had. Was I about to flunk this class?

"Alright, kids, that will be all for today," Miss Saunders said as she snapped her book shut. She was a dirty blonde with a slightly chubby physique but I could understand why some guys would be attracted to her – she had the kind of worldly demeanor that let everyone know that she was so adventurous that she'd probably try anything twice.

I packed my books and followed the rest of my class towards the door. As I walked past her desk, I got an idea so I stopped and walked over to her.

"Good afternoon, Aju—I mean, Good Afternoon, Ma'am."

She looked up and smiled. "Su Jin Oh?" she asked, pointing her pen at me.

I nodded. "Yes, Ma'am."

"So what can I do for you?"

I took a deep breath in then jumped in. "Would it be possible for me to get your notes after class? I'm having some trouble following you and I was hoping I could get a copy from you after each class so that I can read them at home."

Miss Saunders silently stared at me for a few moments then blinked rapidly. "Can you please repeat that?"

I did as she requested but said it twice as slowly. Maybe she could only understand cowboy English?

She distorted her face for a few moments, sighed then nodded. "Okay, I think I got that. You want to get notes from me?"

I nodded.

She apologetically shook her head. "I don't think that would be fair to the other students. If I give you my notes, then I might as well give it to them too, don't you think?"

It was my time to stare at her but this time, in disbelief. What was so hard about giving notes to a student whose mother tongue wasn't English?

She must have read my thoughts because she looked at me closely then asked which country I came from.

"Korea"

"You've only just arrived in the States?"

I nodded. "We came last week."

She raised her brow. "I see. Alright, I'll think about it and see what I can come up with. See me at the end of Wednesday's class."

***

"Fob," I heard someone say the second I stepped out the classroom. I turned around to find myself staring at a camera. I hissed and continued walking. I really wasn't in the mood to hear more boy names.

"Hey, hold up! Don't you remember me? We just met at lunch. I'm Ryan," he yelled, running to catch up with me. "What class do you have next?" From the corner of my eye, I could tell that the camera was still pointed at my face.

I stopped walking and turned to him. "What's your problem? And my name is not Fob."

"Sorry, Su Jin." He dropped the camera a few inches so that I could see him. I scrunched my nose and took a good look at him. Hmm… he really did look better without that camera glued to his eye. He had a nicely defined jaw and pretty good nose and if I squinted hard enough, he reminded me a bit of Il Woo.

"Can you help me out a little?"

I looked away but didn't leave.

"These first few days are crucial. By next week, your opinion wouldn't be as authentic. I just want to know what you think of the school so far. So can you please answer a few questions?" he begged, lifting his camera back to his eye level.

I covered the lens and shook my head. "Sorry," I said before picking my feet and continuing my journey towards my locker. It certainly wouldn't hurt to make a new friend but even though I pretended not to care, I was slightly affected by what Ali has said about my clothes. Did I really want a permanent record of my outfit?

"Fob," he called a few seconds later. "Will you do it if I lent you my history notes? And any other notes you might need?"

His words were like lead to my feet and I stopped abruptly. I turned to him in amazement. "You are following me? You were spying on me?"

"Hey," he said, his face suddenly darkening a shade, "I only want you for my documentary. Mark Williams hasn't shown up yet and the Okwu person has already rejected me. I just need a newbie's unbiased view of this school. So don't flatter yourself." He frowned. "And I wasn't spying on you – I just overheard. So why can't we make a mutually beneficial deal? I'll lend you my notes in exchange for a few minutes of your time. Then you can forget I even exist."

It was only the first day of school and someone was already promising to disappear from my world? That had to be some kind of record. I thought about it. It would be nice to get some notes but I didn't know if I was going to experience the same difficulty in other classes plus I already had things sorted out with Miss Saunders. And I could probably get other notes from Ali. Plus, didn't the camera add like 10lbs? I shook my head. "No, thanks."

Chapter 9

2010-12-23T22:19:00.000-08:00

"So how was your first day?" my father asked us soon after saying grace. Since my brother looked like he was bursting to share his exciting day, I rolled my eyes at him to signal for him to go first.

"Well," he began, putting his fork down. "I think most of the Americans attend orientation during the summer because all the people in my orientation class were either foreign students or from out of state."

"Really?" my mom asked, sounding far too interested.

I looked away so that no one would catch the pity in my eyes. My mother was never the type to sit still in one place for long and I'd already seen how antsy she'd been getting the past week even though she'd been busy with unpacking and redecorating. But now that we were leaving her all alone during the day, there was no way she wasn't going to go out of her mind.

"Yeah, Umma." He beamed proudly. "I think I met someone from every single country in the world," he said, obviously exaggerating.

"Really?" I countered. "You met someone from Sao Tome? What about Kazakhstan?" I asked, showing off my ability to store useless information. If someone handed me a globe and asked me to point those countries out, I'd failed woefully.

"No," he replied, scrunching his nose, "but I met someone from Papau New Guinea. Ever met anyone from there?"

"Whatever. I'm sure there are some of them at my school. It's not called an international school for nothing," I replied before sticking my tongue out at him.

Dong Won chuckled before saying, "It wasn't too bad. Some of them were pretty cool and interesting. One girl I met said that she hosted a musical program in India and that she'd be going back to television after graduation. Also, this—"

"Dong Won ah," my father interrupted, "it's nice that you met all these people but don't forget that you have to make friends with the American students. A lot of children with influence attend your school so you have to make the right connections since this is their country. You can't get very far without connections here -don't forget that. Yes, be friendly with all these foreign students but form solid relationships with Americans – that's what will get you far. That's what will enable you to be successful."

From the corner of my eye, I looked at my brother and from the way he was glaring at my father, if looks could kill, 911 wouldn't be able to revive him. I could see his nose flaring and knew that he was struggling so hard to keep his cool and remain civil to my father. He took a deep breath then planted a fake smile on his face. "Umma," he said, facing her, "there are quite a few activities for parents as well. It looks like a lot of parents with kids from out of state also come to orientation so if you're not doing anything tomorrow, would you like to come with me? I was getting a little jealous of them," he joked.

Before my mother could reply, my father quickly dismissed the idea by saying that he was sure my mother would be busy.

"Doing what?" my mother asked without looking at him.

He shrugged. "I'm sure there's a lot to do at home."

"Like what?"

He turned to her angrily. "I don't know. But I'm sure there's a lot to do. Didn't you say that the DSL will be turned on tomorrow? Don't you have work to do for your practice? Since you'll be busy with that, how will you find time to go to his school?"

How typical. While my father discouraged my mother from keeping ties with her practice when she was still in Korea, he was now using it as an excuse in America. What was so special about sitting in the house doing nothing and if it was so great, why didn't he do it himself?

I glanced at my mother and saw that she was staring at him in stunned silence. When she finally recovered, she cleared her throat and said, "Dong Won ah, what time should I be ready?"

***

I walked into the cafeteria discreetly trying to cover up my headlights. With Ali's voice still ringing in my ears, I'd dressed lightly with only a baby tee and jeans but after spending all morning in fully air-conditioned classroom, my nipples were on full alert. They were so sharp that a few minutes earlier, I'd been quite hesitant about covering them with small bits of tissue paper for fear of drawing blood. Although I managed to get through the exercise without any cuts, I realized that the tissue only brought more attention to them.

With my upper arms covering my chest in a very unnatural pose, I scanned the room for anyone I knew. I'd seen Ali in one of my earlier classes but because she'd walked in late, I'd been unable to speak to her. I stretched my neck, trying to see every single corner of the cafeteria but I still couldn't find her. Bummed, I picked up a tray and walked up to the serving counter to get my food. Even though I still didn't know Ali well, it would have been nice to have someone to talk to.

A few minutes later, with tray in hand, I tried to figure out where to sit. Even though it was probably not something students at my school would willingly admit to, the cafeteria appeared to be racially divided with certain groups sitting in specific areas.

I scanned the cafeteria again, hoping to find an empty table but since luck appeared to be spending the day with someone else, I couldn't find one. So I took a deep breath and walked over to the right side of the room which populated by other Asian kids.

"Hi," I said before dropping my tray down. I began to sit, expecting to hear a ring of greetings in return but by the time my butt hit the seat, I hadn't heard a pip from them.

"Hello," I yelled. When they turned to me, I grinned and waved. "Hello, I'm new here. Nice to meet you," I said, starting to bow before thinking better of it.

They let out an array of anemic responses then went back to what must have been a riveting conversation.

Disheartened by the reception, I stared at my plate of potato au gratin and tried to decide what to do next. I couldn't believe that at that moment, I really would have loved hearing, "Oh Su Jin?"

I sighed and scanned the room but saw that there still weren't any empty tables. I took a sip of my diet coke and pondered my choices: I could either sit there and remain ignored or go to another table and possibly face more humiliation. I settled on the former and dug into my lunch. Two could play the game – I'd ignore them just as well as they ignored me.

As I sat and chewed, wondering if it would be okay to bring my own spices to school, I curiously glanced at the girls sitting next to me. They all appeared to be around my age even though they were obviously trying to appear much older. Other than covering their faces in what must have been war paint, it appeared that it was a club requirement to wear cleavage-revealing tops that unfortunately, for some of them, only revealed bones.

I was about to look away from them in disgust when I realized that there was something familiar about one of them. I subtly looked closely at her and racked my brain for where I recognized her from till it hit me: she was the ambassador's daughter.

I quickly jerked my head away and tried to ignore the unsettling feeling that was slowly coming over me. She wasn't someone I cared about or someone I'd really planned on becoming friendly with but I couldn't deny that it hurt that she hadn't acknowledged me. A little 'hi' wouldn't have killed her, would it?

I was reaching out for a paper napkin when I suddenly got the feeling that someone was staring at me. I turned around and immediately caught Ali's eye. She looked me up and down in a not too pleasant way, sent me a knowing look, shook her head then turned around. She was obviously annoyed at me but what had I done? I quickly stood up and wanted to chase after who could possibly be my only friend but regretfully stopped myself because I knew that I had to use the rest of my lunch break to email Min Ki.

***

The computer room was pretty packed when I got there and after waiting for a computer for a few minutes, I finally managed to get one next to some rowdy guys who refused to shut up despite numerous warnings from the attendant. I frowned at her and I sat in my chair. Why couldn't she just kick them out?

Blocking the sounds of them arguing about which Olsen sister was more 'bangable', I opened a web browser and quickly logged on to my email account. Amongst about 20 spam messages with weird characters in their headers, I found Min Ki's email.

Date: 14 August 19:08:37
From: "Ha Min Ki"
Subject: Re: I miss you loads!
To: "Oh Su Jin"

My Dearest Jinnie,

You said I reminded you of one of the characters in one of your romance novels? At first, I wasn't quite sure that I liked the sound of that but later on, I warmed up to idea and it's why I called you 'My Dearest Jinnie.' Of course you are very dear to me but saying it is a little sickening, don't you think? But now that I know that I am like one of those characters that women dream about, I think it's only fair that I play the part.

Okay, ignore everything I've just written – I'm just so glad to hear from you! You're going to write a super long email? I am looking forward to it. And I really hope you get your phone soon because I can't wait to hear your voice either.

Everything is fine here and my mother says hello. The last few days have been very strange because there are so many times I want to call you then I remember that you're no longer here. Why do you think I spammed you with so many emails?

School starts next week and I just can't wait till I graduate. Maybe when I do, I can visit you in America then you can take me to Pennsylvania Avenue and maybe we'll run into The President? What do you think? Hahaha… just kidding. Even if I sell all my organs, I still don't think I'd be able to afford a plane ticket. Which reminds me, I hope it's not too expensive to call from the U.S. and if it is, then I'll just do the calling.

Nothing much has been happening here. I've just been getting ready for school, I guess. Oh – you'd be pleased to know that my aunt just had a baby girl so you guys won the pool. My sister says that she'll be keeping your share till you get back but I think she's already spent it at the mall -serves you right for running to America. Na Young and Tae Ran were worried about you but I'll call them and let them know that you're okay but make sure you email them too.

Anyway, I really miss you. Even if you don't get internet connection at home, you can still email from school, right? That should be okay, too. I wish I could hold your hand right now but… oh well.

I miss you loads too,
Min Ki.

P.S.

I am going to ignore that you actually typed out the words "American boys" in an email to me.

I burst out laughing. American boys had nothing on him. With my face still in a huge grin, I quickly logged on to MSN. But as expected, he wasn't on. Damn, I sure couldn't wait till I finally had a working cell phone.

Chapter 10

2010-12-22T17:16:00.000-08:00

The one thing that really sucked about being the new girl was that everybody already had their own cliques. In freshman year, since everyone was as new as the next, it was easy to make friends because we were all strangers. But joining a school when the students knew one another for two years and most of them were already satisfied with their friends was pretty difficult. Which was why I pretty much walked through the hallways alone. Some people were kind enough to send me courteous smiles when I walked past them and even though I knew the gesture wasn't an invitation to start a conversation with them, I was glad that they had at least acknowledged my presence. I was never an attention who.re but damn.

"Hey, Sexy." There was only one person with such a deep voice and only one person with a masculine musk and he was the only one to ever call me sexy so I didn't even have to turn around to know who it was.

"Hi Jonathan," I said before shutting my locker. I stepped aside then turned around. "How is it going?" His shirt had a few buttons undone and he looked like one of those devilish characters from an American soap opera.

"Let's have dinner tonight – I'll buy."

I sighed. Was I even in the position to reject anyone who wanted to be my friend even if looking into his eyes made my heart flutter? "I don't know if I'm allowed to have dinner outside the house," I replied honestly.

He frowned. "Oh, you're one of those. Got strict parents?"

I shrugged. "You could say so."

He stood still and thought about it. "Then we can have lunch together," he said smiling. "We can ditch the cafeteria and go somewhere good."

I pursed my lips. "I don't think that's a good idea."

He raised his brow and sent me a lazy smile. I felt my heart thump so I turned away. Gosh, why was he so hot?

"What's wrong with us getting to know each other?" he asked, reaching out to take my hand.

I quickly moved away to avoid his touch. "I heard you're a player and I already have a boyfriend."

"Boyfriend? Damn, you work fast. Didn't you just get here? Who is he? Tell me where he is so I can go and beat him up," he said, smiling in that charming way again.

I stretched out my hand. "Let's just be friends, okay?"

***

I dropped my tray on the table and sat across from Ali and Ryan. "Hi, guys."

"Ryan," she spat, "look who we have here." She looked pointedly at me. "You don't feel like sitting next to your friends?" she said, glancing at the table I'd sat at the previous day.

"You weren't here when I got here."

She raised her left brow. "Are you sure? Because when I walked in, I waved my hand like a mad woman trying to get your attention but you completely ignored me then sat next to the Prada Bitches." She chuckled. "Of all people to sit with. I bet they ignored you too. If you were going to sit with your own kind, you should have at least gone to a different table," she said with a smirk.

I knitted my brows in confusion. "That's not it at all. I couldn't find anyone I knew so I just sat there. I swear, I didn't see you."

Ryan rolled his eyes. "Ignore her. She probably wasn't here when you came in - we spent part of lunch break looking at her car."

"Big mouth," Ali said before stuffing her mouth with a fist full of fries.

I looked from him to her and couldn't deny that they shared a certain warmth. "Are you guys dating?"

Simultaneously, they made horrified faces, glanced at each other then shook their heads vehemently. "Eww!" they said in unison.

I laughed. I was glad to see the tension dissipate. "So how do you guys know each other?"

Ryan eyed her. "I'm her assigned caretaker."

"Whatever," Ali scoffed. "The guy stalks me so what can I do? Even if I move to another town, he's still going to follow me so I figured that I might as well give in and enrich his life with my presence."

"What the…?" Ryan started to say before asking me to pass him the salt. As he sprinkled it on his burger, he said, "Our parents work together so we're family friends."

He went on to explain that their parents worked for a multi-national company which was why he'd been born in Dubai, moved to Houston when he was seven, relocated to DC when he was twelve and that Ali's family had followed a similar path although they were usually about two years behind. "Which is why I am eternally being asked to 'show her around' and take care of her."

"Cool," I said before taking a bite out of my juicy burger. I'd never had it with bacon and it tasted so good that I was already planning on getting seconds.

"So," Ryan said a few minutes later, "have you thought about my proposal?"

Ali's eyebrow shot up. "Proposal? Wow, don't tell me that geeky Ryan Cho is finally interested in a girl. Oh my God!" she yelled. "May the seas part and the heavens rejoice! Ryan Cho has finally realized that he's got a di.ck!"

People from other tables looked over at us then turned away in irritation.

"Su Jin, as I was saying," he said, ignoring her, "have you thought about it?"

"This surely is interesting," Ali interrupted before I could respond. "I wonder when this is going to show up on the notice board," she said with glee.

Ryan turned to her. "Yeah, I am quite sure it will end up there – after all, rumor has it that you're the #1 gossip queen at this school."

Ali replied by moving her brows up and down mischievously. "Now you know, huh? So expect this as tomorrow's headline: Which 'straight of the plane' girl is already involved in an intense love triangle with a 'fake wannabe filmmaker science geek' and a 'heartless playboy predator'?"

"'Heartless playboy predator'? I always thought I was more of the 'sensitive playboy predator-type'," Ryan said in a bored tone.

I laughed. "Well, I can't be the 'straight of the plane' girl since I already have a boyfriend."

"Cool," Ryan said.

"Really?" Ali added curiously.

I nodded and pulled out my keychain. "His name is Min Ki. He gave this to me," I said smiling, showing them the couple ring I kept on the keyring. "I can bring my phone in tomorrow if you want to see a picture," I offered.

She shook her head. "No need. So this is some guy from the old world? A country bumpkin you made a blood oath with? Some innocent guy you promised to love for the rest of you life?"

I snickered. "No. I've always lived in the city. And so what if we promised to be together forever?"

"Nothing, I guess." She studied my face as she played with her knuckles. "Long distance relationship, huh? Good luck with that."

***

"This is the Lamb of God who takes away the sins of the word, happy are those who are called to his supper," the priest said.

"Lord, I am not worthy to receive you, but only say the word and I shall be healed," I responded with the rest of the congregation.

I got off my knees and waited to get in line to receive communion. Receiving communion was supposed to be one of the most sacred sacraments and you were only supposed to receive the body and blood of Christ with a clean heart. But how could I say that at that moment, I even had one?

For starters, the mass was the second most boring service I'd ever attended in my whole life – with the first occurring the previous week. It wasn't like Catholic churches were known for being particularly exciting but goodness! At least, back in Korea, we dressed up and on days I was feelings holy, I enjoyed singing the hymns. But mass at St. Catherine's could sure insomnia. Most of the congregation looked like they'd just rolled out of bed, no one really bothered to participate in all the responses and I just felt bad for the old lady who screeched as she tried to lead us in the hymns. Even the priest looked like he wouldn't mind being elsewhere and no matter how hard I tried to pay attention to the readings and sermon, my mind kept wandering to more important things like the different cell phone plans I could get.

I walked up to the priest, received my communion, went back to my spot and knelt down and as I watched the rest of the congregation walking up to the altar to receive theirs, I recognized someone I knew.

***

"Hey, so I guess we attend the same church," I said to Ryan's back. Mass had ended so people were hanging around greeting their friends, chatting with the priest or checking out the chapel shop. I'd seen Ryan lighting a candle so I went to say hello.

He turned around and smiled at me. "I guess we do. I saw you guys for the first time last week so I knew you were definitely new in town."

I shrugged. "Or we could have switched churches or something."

He shook his head. "Na. You guys had the whole deer-in-headlights look so I definitely knew you were fobs."

He started to walk towards the back of the church so I mimicked him. "About your History notes…"

"What about them? Yeah, now you want to borrow them?"

I looked at him sheepishly. "Yeah, still want to trade?" Miss Saunders' notes had turned out to be very sparse because they were just the outlines she brought with her to class. Most of what she dictated was stored in her brain and as it was, I had no real access to them. And as for Ali, she was taking AP History so we weren't even in the same class.

"Well, I know we're in the house of God and all that but I'm going to have to decline," he said before walking out of the church.

"Why?" I ran out to catch up with him. "I thought you really needed me for your documentary. I promise to say very interesting and amazing things," I said hopefully.

He chuckled. "Yeah, whatever. I needed you when you were still fresh and unbiased. Now, you've already been at the school for a week, already have a reasonable idea of what the school is like, what the cliques are, made some friends and all that so you're not as unadulterated as I would like."

"I could fake it?"

He smirked.

I looked away sadly. "So no deal."

He shook his head. "Sorry, no deal." He looked at me for a moment then broke into a smile for some unknown reason. "I'll see you tomorrow, okay?" he said before walking over to who I presumed were the rest of his family.

Chapter 11

2010-12-21T10:59:00.000-08:00

My brother had an early class so he dropped me off at school a little early. Since I had some time to kill, I decided to visit the famed notice board. Although huge, it was quite brown and ordinary and in disarray as most notice boards tended to be because all the posters really cared about was making sure that their notes were seen. Other than the usual sign up sheets for different school activities and clubs, there were some interesting gossip items.

Guess who, as usual, is hot on the trail of a pretty, new transfer student? Can't come up with a name? Okay, here's a clue: He's tall, he's hot, he's a flirt and his name rhymes with Nonathan. 5 points to the first person to guess right!

I frowned. I'd barely been at the school for a minute and I was already fodder for gossip? And all this because some guy liked to call me sexy? Annoyed, I made a mental note to avoid Jonathan at all costs. A few moments later, someone I didn't recognize stood next to me so I shifted my foot a little and read the next note.

Okay, students, the moment you've been waiting for has finally arrived: Brighton's most in love and chaste couple has finally done it. Word has it that he forked out some real dough for a room at the Ritz (yes, people, the Ritz!) for their special night but guess what? They couldn't even make it that far. I happened to pass by them rocking and steaming up his 2006 Ford Taurus. Congratulations on popping that cherry – I hope you used a condom! And yes, I'm talking to you, Trey and Janelle.

"Wow," I mouthed. Was it that bad? I was about to go on to the next note when I heard some call my name from behind.

"Jeez, Su Jin. Did you really wake up early just for this?" Ali teased as she stood at the other side of me. Before I could reply, she groaned and pointed at another note. "When will this loser give up? Doesn't he get that no one in the DMV area wants him?"

Generous? Looking to give a free ride? Well, look no further. If you're thin, 5'3 to 5'6, very pretty, wear a 34C or D bra please call 202-562-5789. Please understand that I reserve the right to reject you.

I was still giggling at the sheer incredulousness of the note when Su Jin pulled it off the board, crumpled it up and threw it into the trash. She was telling me about Pete, the author of the note and all the embarrassing things he'd done in their freshman year when she asked me for a pen. I handed one to her and walked over to see what she was doing but my eyes grew to twice their size when I realized that she was writing my name on one of the sign up sheets.

"What the hell is that?" I yelled. "Stop," I ordered, attempting to wrangle the pen out of her hand.

She jumped back and laughed. "Hey, I'm only signing you up for our Winter break trip. It's in LA this year and we get to see many exciting museums or whatever." She pointed at a printed sheet next to it. "You can read all about it there. And you're coming even if you don't want to."

***

Assemblies were never my thing because they were just an excuse for the principal to get the chance to bore us to death. So as usual, my mind was only partially there, staring into space and wishing for time to pass by quicker and when I thought it was getting to the time we were all about to be dismissed, Mrs. Anderson said, "Mr. Levine just informed me that this semester, we've received record low sign ups for the choir. As you all know, the choir plays a huge role at this school – from singing at school events to representing the school regionally…"

Ali shook her head and mouthed, "They suck."

"… so this year," she continued, "since no one wants to volunteer for the choir, Mr. Levine will go around the hall and do the work himself. If he picks you, you must stay behind or face detention."

***

"Hey, where are you going?" I asked Ali as she started to head out of the auditorium. "Didn't Mr. Levine ask you to stay?"

She made a face and pointed to herself, "Me?"

I nodded. "Yeah. You have to stay if you don't want to get in trouble," I reminded her.

She shook her head. "Hey, don't try to push this on me. He so didn't point at me – he pointed at you!"

"What?" I looked away and tried to recollect the moment. I distinctly saw him point at her. "I think you're wrong, Ali. He pointed at you."

She shook her head vehemently. "I'm quite sure he didn't point at me. Hello, I joined the choir in my freshman year and he pretty much told me to quit because my singing was so bad. So there's no way he would have picked me." She looked ahead of her. "Anyway, you'd better get up there," she said before turning towards the door. "I'll see you later."

Even though I suspected that Ali was lying, I reluctantly walked slowly towards the stage and as I did, felt my heart race because I wasn't a huge fan of crowds. Quite a large number of us had been asked behind and I was looking around to see if there was anyone I recognized from any of my classes when I heard a low 'hey' from behind me. I turned around and said a quick hello with my eyes.

"You too?" Ryan asked, standing next to me.

I shrugged. "It looks that way. Does your choir really suck that badly?"

"Yes and no. It used to be pretty good in my freshman year but since Mrs. Chen got pregnant and retired, it's gone down the drain. I heard they even used to get asked to perform in Europe and stuff but whatever."

"Students!" Mr. Levine yelled to catch our attention. He was a balding, stocky man in his forties and looked more like a PE teacher than a choirmaster. He clapped his hands. "Welcome to the choir. Right now, we're just going to have quick auditions to determine which vocal range you're in so that we can get straight to work the next time we meet. The choir meets every Monday, Wednesday and Friday at 4:30 in the music room so I expect to see all of you tomorrow. Shall we begin?" He pointed at the chubby girl standing closest to him. "Rebecca, why don't you start? We shall be singing 'Amazing Grace'."

"My name is Sarah," she grumbled before beginning her rendition of the song.

I sighed as I watched her butcher the song with all her might. It sure was going to be a long day.

As I watched student after student sing the song, I realized that I didn't really know all the lyrics to it. Was I going to disgrace myself like majority of them were intent on doing? I relayed my fear to Ryan so he quickly grabbed a piece of paper and wrote the words for me.

***

I stood in front of the school gates waiting for my brother. Once Dong Won received his driver's license, my father took back the embassy driver I'd been using and replaced him with my brother which meant that more often than not, I spent valuable minutes in the sun wasting my time. I certainly wasn't averse to tanning but surely, skin cancer wasn't an option. I was still standing and waiting for my brother when I saw Ryan walk out of school.

"Hey," I called as I skipped over to him. "How is it going?"

"School is over so I guess it's going pretty great," he replied.

My neck suddenly felt itchy so I scratched it. "So do we really have to be in the choir?" I asked as I fell in step with him.

He furrowed his brows. "I don't know about you but I'm certainly not going to be in any damn choir."

Confused, I said, "But what about what happened today? Won't Mr. Levine remember you?"

He shook his head. "I'm quite sure he won't – he probably doesn't even remember what he had for lunch. He's kinda loopy," he said, drawing circles with his finger for emphasis.

"So why did you bother staying for the auditions? Why not just leave?"

He shrugged. "It beat sitting in for first period geography. But come to think of it, you're actually a good singer," he said, narrowing his eyes and looking at me.

"I know," I said dismissively. His gaze made me slightly uncomfortable so I looked away. "I came fourth place in Korean Idol."

"Really?" he asked, clearly intrigued.

I laughed. "Of course not."

It looked like we'd run out of things to say because we suddenly felt silent. Unless I was with Min Ki, I never really knew what to do in complete silence so I generally liked to just say anything to kill it. I was about to say something mundane about a teen show I'd watched the previous night when he suddenly pulled out his camera and pointed it at me. "Say something," he implored.

"Like what?" I replied, covering the lens with my hand.

"Hey, be careful," he cautioned, gently pushing my hand away. "Just say something. Anything."

I took a deep breath then smiled into the camera.

He chuckled then moved the camera away. "Try to be natural, okay? Just now, you looked like some kind of crazy clown."

"A crazy clown?" I repeated in dismay. I took another deep breath and tried to find my inner light. Talking to the camera really couldn't be that hard. "Okay," I said, pointing at his hand, "I'm ready. Hit me."

He lifted the camera and pointed it at me one more time. "1, 2, 3, Action!"

After a beat, I said, "Hi." I beamed into the camera in a way I hoped made me look hot and sophisticated. "My name is Su Jin Oh, I'm 16 years old and I'm a Virgo."

He moved the camera from his face. "Really? So your birthday's coming up soon?"

I shook my head and laughed. "I'm just kidding. I just thought it sounded better, you know, Su Jin Oh - Virgo, I'm actually a Gemini… I think."

He groaned and put the viewfinder back in front of his right eye. "Are you some kind of pathological liar? Introduce yourself again and this time, be honest," he said very seriously.

Instead of looking at the lens, I studied him. "What's with you and filmmaking anyway? Ali says you're some kind of science genius? You won a high school prize in your freshman year?"

With the camera still pointed at me, he shrugged and said, "Well, I apparently have the brains to become a doctor so I'm supposed to use them for good blah blah blah. So I figure that I might as well try to enjoy filmmaking now that I can. I can't imagine I'll have time for it once I get to college and start cutting things open. Enough about me, smile in—"

"OH SU JIN," my brother's yell interrupted. I turned in the direction of his voice and saw him standing next to the car. "Get your butt here now! I don't have all day."

"Hey, it looks like I have to run," I said, turning back to Ryan. "Did I tell you that I have a phone now?" I asked pulling it out. "What's your number?"

I punched in the numbers as he told me.

"Call me now so that I can have yours," he suggested.

"Sorry," I said apologetically. "I have to call Min Ki first before I call anyone else – it's kind of sentimental," I said, knowing I sounded pathetic.

"It's cool. Min Ki, huh? Min Ki has a stinky pinky," he said in a sing-song voice.

"Huh?" I started to say before getting interrupted by my brother yelling my name again.

"I have to run!" I readjusted my bag on my back and turned to leave.

"Hold up for a second," he said, grabbing my hand. He reached into his bag and pulled out some stapled sheets of paper. "I photocopied my history notes from the first day up to yesterday's class." He shoved it in my hand. "Alright, you can go now."

***

"Guess who?" I said into the phone. After another unpleasant dinner with my family, I'd retired to my room and counted the tiles on my ceiling over and over till I felt I wouldn't be waking Min Ki up by calling him.

"Guess who?" he replied groggily. He paused for a second then said, "Guess who!" in a louder voice.

I laughed. "You still recognize my voice?"

He joined in the laughter. "Of course I do, sweetie. Congratulations on getting your phone."

"Thanks. Getting ready for school?"

"Well, I'd planned to do that in 20 minutes so I guess I'll spend this time talking to you."

"Oh, did I wake you? I'm sorry."

"Don't be sorry – this is the perfect way to start the day. So what's going on over there? How's America? Have you met some friends? Tell me everything."

I filled him in- on the details but when he seemed a little disappointed to hear that America wasn't as fabulous as we'd expected, I decided to sexy it up a little to help him hold on to his fantasy.

"So, I've got a job," he told me about five minutes into our conversation.

"Really?" His parents weren't wealthy but they were doing pretty well so his allowance was pretty reasonable. "Why?"

"I've been thinking and… well, with you so far away, it wouldn't hurt for us to see each other at least once before you return to Seoul, don't you think?"

I smiled at the thought. "Of course not but maybe we'll come down to visit or something."

"Yeah… and I've been doing some research on the internet and American universities don't seem that bad so I've been thinking of applying to a few."

"Yeah, some are okay. My brother just started at Georgetown and he likes it so far although he keeps going on and on about how hot the girls are. But I thought you always wanted to attend Korea University?"

"Yeah… but wouldn't it be better for us to go to school together?"

I let his words sink in but didn't say anything in response. Of course, if we were together, I'd never have to worry about being lonely but wasn't it all a pipe dream? How would he even pay for an American university?

As if reading my thoughts he said, "Well, it's just an idea. So, how far are you guys from New York?" he asked, changing the subject.

***

"Hey," I said as I hesitantly walked towards Ryan and his friends. As usual, I had another lunch time dilemma and I didn't quite get how there were no empty tables considering I'd pretty much run out of class the second the bell sounded. "Mind if I join you?" I asked the group.

"Sure," they said in unison, waving for me to sit down.

"What's going on?" I whispered to Ryan who I was sitting next to. "I can't seem to find Ali."

He looked around the cafeteria then pointed at a table filled with girls. I squinted and saw that Ali seemed to be in her element yapping away about something. "Do you think I should go over there?" I whispered.

He smirked. "Oh, are we chopped liver?" He paused for a quick second and in a louder voice said, "Let me introduce you to the rest of the table," he said before proceeding to do that.

His friends were mainly Asian although I didn't think they were all Korean. Being in DC and close to all the embassies and various international organizations, our school wasn't international in name alone so I was already getting used to hearing all sorts of strange names.

Shortly after the introductions, the boys went back to talking about sports, cars or whatever it was that excited them so I took the time to eat and let my eyes wander around the room. That was when I saw Jonathan sitting next to a pretty dark skinned girl. From what I understood, she was Okwi, the other female new student in our year and with her long braids, tall, slim physique that gave her model looks, I could understand why any guy would be interested in her. Especially someone like Jonathan.

He must have felt me looking at him because he suddenly looked up and caught me staring at him. Of course, his face broke into a smooth smile and of course, I felt the blood rise in my cheeks so I quickly looked down and faced my lunch. Sweet corn never looked so delicious.

"Miss Su Jin Oh," I heard about a minute later. I looked up, expecting to see Jonathan's flirty smile but for the first time, I saw pure cynicism. "Surely, this can't be the boyfriend you told me about?" he asked, looking at Ryan.

I turned to my right and saw Ryan's face darkening with anger. "What do you want?"

"Wow," he said sarcastically. "You try to act like some angel but you're just as bad as I am. She hasn't been here for five minutes and you've already zoned in on her?"

Ryan stood up and folded his arms across his chest defiantly. "What if I have? How is it any of your business?" Ryan wasn't quite as tall or as buff as Jonathan but something about the way he smirked at Jonathan made them appear evenly matched.

"Su Jin," Jonathan said, turning to me, "take my advice and leave him alone. I doubt he can keep his lips unglued from Alison's ass long enough to actually be with you. Do yourself a favor and dump him before it gets too late," he said before turning around and walking away.

Chapter 12

2010-12-20T20:38:00.000-08:00

Chapter 12

I heard a series of loud raps on my door.

"Yes?" I called, taking out my headphones. It was a boring Saturday and after having a boring lunch with my family, I'd retired to my room, taken a nap and was now chatting on MSN with Min Ki.

"Your father is calling us," my brother said without opening the door. "Come down quickly."

"Great," I muttered. No one had called me to come to the kitchen to help with dinner and I'd certainly not made an effort to remind them. Was I about to get scolded about my laziness and have my chores increased tenfold? I sighed. The joys of childhood. I slipped my feet in my slippers and looked at the computer screen to read his response to my last comment.

Missing my Soul: My internet is being really slow today so stop bugging me. It's only about 30% uploaded and I'll let you know when it's done.

I'd left Korea before one of my favorite awards shows aired so I'd made Min Ki tape it for me.

Missing my Seoul: Yo, I have to run.

Missing my Soul: Oh, now I get it. You only came online to make sure I was uploading your precious show, huh?

Missing my Seoul: Yes, I'm using you. Have you got a problem with that?

Missing my Soul: No.:p

I laughed.

Missing my Seoul: :D Anyway, my father is calling me – I think he's on the warpath again.

Missing my Soul: That sucks. Well, I guess I'd better try to get some more sleep – I think I'm skipping church today.

Missing my Seoul: Poor you. If you were here, you'd be able to catch some sleep while at church.

Missing my Soul: lol. Alright, better log off before you get into trouble. And don't forget to send me the photos.

Missing my Seoul: Okay. <3

***

I walked down the stairs to find my brother and parents sitting in the living room around the coffee table pilled with paper plates and cups, soda, two buckets of fried chicken, mashed potatoes, wedgies, coleslaw and pretty much everything else that KFC had to offer. I was surprised that an employee hadn't been thrown in with the spread.

"Why don't you sit down?" my father coaxed, grinning and pointing at the couch across from my mother.

I slowly walked over and did as he said. Okay what the hell was going on?

"So," my father started, grinning so widely it reminded me that it had been quite a while since I'd seen so many of his teeth.

Normally, when someone smiled, you were put at ease but because it was my father, it had the opposite effect. It was almost like I was in a horror movie and the piano music had come on, warning us of impending doom.

I tried to look at my brother but he appeared to be avoiding my eyes which was the telltale sign that he was also getting freaked out. I glanced at my mother but she didn't appear the slightest bit affected.

"… I've been thinking about it and I think Saturdays should be our chill-out day," he continued, chuckling because he was quite aware that adults sounded stupid using the word 'chill-out'."

I looked at my brother again and this time he caught my eye and sent me a WTF look.

"What that means," my father started again, "is that on Saturday evenings, we'll just relax as a family - no cooking," he said, looking at my mother, who smiled tightly in return, "we can order whatever you kids like to eat be it pizza or Indian food or whatever…." He looked around the room and when he got no reaction, he continued, "… and we can watch movies and you can tell us what happened to you in the past week."

I sat into my couch and tried to figure out his angle. Our dinners had become repetitive and quite strained because every night my father tried to start a conversation about how our day had been but a minute later, after everyone had answered with the most commonly used one word response, we'd fall into silence with only the sounds of the clanging of our cutlery keeping us entertained.

I looked over at the DVDs he'd rented and smirked when I saw that they were 'Pirates of the Caribbean' and 'Pride and Prejudice'. Did the old man have a thing for Keira Knightley?

"So why don't I start?" my father asked before going into in depth detail about the embassy's search for a new director.

I leaned forward and picked up a drumstick. Other than 'fine' what else could I possibly say when it was my turn to speak?

***

I'd just stepped out of English class and was about to head to my Biology class when I spotted Ryan walking ahead of me. I hadn't been able to catch him in History class the previous day and we seemed to be missing each other at lunch so I was yet to talk to him about Min Ki's photo.

"Ryan Cho," I yelled as I ran towards him. "Ryan Cho!"

He turned around with a confused expression on his face and when I saw the other students in the hallway giving me weird looks, I fought the urge to blush out of embarrassment and stopped running. I walked swiftly towards him.

"What's going on?" he asked curiously.

I caught my breath and smiled unevenly. Then I reached into my bag and pulled out my camera. I knew it was weird but what else could I do? "Say cheese," I ordered, pointing it at him.

He immediately put his hand over it and from the look on his face, I could tell that he was getting more and more inquisitive. "Why do you need my photograph?" He shook his head and said, "I'm trying to come up with a reasonable explanation but I'm drawing a blank here."

He looked a little cross-eyed so I couldn't help but laugh. "Just guess."

"You're in a cult and they asked for a photograph of your next victim?"

"Wow," I said in mock astonishment. "You should play the lottery – your guessing skills are awesome."

He looked down at me and frowned. "I don't want to be late for my next class so just tell me why you need my photo."

"It's for Min Ki."

He stared into space for a few seconds then shook his head. "Sorry, I still don't get it. What does he need my photo for?"

I shrugged. "He just wants to know what my friends look like." Well, that was the explanation he'd given me. I just figured that he was trying to share in my experience and as my boyfriend, it only made sense for him to have an idea of what my friends looked like.

"Why?"

"You have to go to class, remember? Stop wasting time and just smile."

He looked at me uncomfortably. "So I should just stand here and smile like an idiot?" he asked, waving his hands in the air.

I laughed. "Mr. Filmmaker, isn't that what you always tell people to do? Smile and look in the camera?"

"But that's different," he insisted. "Right now, I feel like you're about to take my mug shot or something."

I frowned. I grabbed his arm to pull him away from the crowd. I couldn't help but notice that he had slightly less arm hair than Min Ki. I shook the comparison out of my head then focused my attention back at the task at hand. "My digital camera is kinda weird so you need to stand very still so I can take this picture."

"No," he said, pulling me and turning me around so that we were facing the same direction and the top of my head was next to his ear. In a swift movement, he relieved me of the camera, pointed it at us then took a photo. Without bothering to look at the results, he shoved the camera back into my palm and said, "Problem solved. Now you have your photo. I have to go to class."

As he left, I took a look at Ryan's handiwork and other than my very shocked face, all it revealed were his chin and half of his nose. I sighed. Why did he have to make it so darn difficult?

***

I dumped my tray on the table and plopped on the seat in a loud thud. For a while there, I hadn't thought that it would happen but it was possible to find an empty table to sit at at lunch.

"May we join you?" a person with a shrill voice asked the moment I was about to bite into my crouton. I looked up to find a heavily made up face belonging to one of the so-called Prada Bitches.

Confused, I looked over to make sure that I hadn't mistakenly taken their table but considering we were smack dab in the middle of the cafeteria, I was quite sure I hadn't.

"Su Jin Oh?" she asked, sitting down without waiting for my response. "I'm Natalie and that's Sarah, she's…," she said, introducing the rest of her friends to me.

"Do you still remember me? I'm Seung Mi," the ambassador's daughter said far too sweetly. "We are quite offended that you stopped eating lunch with us," she said with what I hoped was mock seriousness. "Aren't we, Girls?" she asked her group who predictably agreed in a loud chorus.

"So… what about our English lessons? I've been waiting for your call for so long."

"Really?" No, seriously. Really? "I think I'll be fine – I can already feel my English improving."

"Cool. You like catfish?" she asked, suddenly looking at my plate. "I love catfish."

What the hell was going on? A few minutes later, Sarah, Tina, Seung Mi and everyone else were in a heated conversation about the best sauce to have with salmon.

As I sat with them, simultaneously trying to look interested and wondering why they were suddenly nice to me, Natalie said, "Su Jin, does your brother pick you up from school?"

I dropped my fork and just shook my head. So that was what it was all about? Did my brother use some kind of voodoo? How could every single dumb girl be attracted to him? What the hell? And why did they all have to talk to me about it?

"I already told you he's her brother," Seung Mi said.

I sent her a tight smile then turned back to Natalie. "Yes, my brother picks me up. Why?"

She shrugged. "No reason," she said before taking another bite of her salad.

"He's single?" another girl asked.

"Why do you want to know?" I snapped.

The girl opened her mouth to respond but must have thought better of it because no words came out. She looked to Natalie for help so I did the same and waited for a response.

"We're just curious. No reason. Anyway," she said, straightening her back, "we usually go to the mall every Saturday." She looked me over and did a very good job of blanking out whatever she was thinking. "Wanna come?"

I swept the table, looking at all their colorful faces. I didn't even know what Seung Mi's deal was because she'd ignored me that other time even though she already knew what my brother looked like. I wanted to tell the rest of them to kiss my a.ss because they were bitches and users and that my brother wouldn't even use them to wipe his butt. I wanted to give them a firm 'no' and pick up my tray and leave them watching behind with gaping mouths. But instead, all I could come up with was, "I don't know."

***

After lunch, as usual, I was in the computer room. After logging on, I smiled when I saw that Min Ki had replied my email. Taking Ali's photo had turned into a huge production because she'd made me wait for her to apply a fresh coat of make-up and after that, she must have posed a hundred times –by the tree, at the school gate, leaning on a car, in every possible way- till she found a photo worthy to be sent to him.

Sending Ryan's photo had been a little trickier. Only having one shot meant that I really didn't have much choice but I was quite sure that Min Ki wouldn't be satisfied with half of a face so later that day, unbeknownst to Ryan, I managed to get a pretty good photograph of him as he stood by one of his classrooms talking to a friend. I couldn't figure out what his problem was because he was actually quite photogenic and leaning against that wall, in a weird way, he reminded me of Dennis Oh. Something to do with his nose and ears.

I clicked on Min Ki's email.

Date: 1 Sept 23:18:47
From: "Ha Min Ki"
Subject: Re: Pics
To: "Oh Su Jin"

Jinnie,

Thanks for the pictures – they were nice. I'm glad to see you've made some friends. Did you say that Ali's family is from Canada? Canada is just like America, isn't it? Don't they sound alike and have a similar culture? I am sure it wasn't hard for her to adjust to living in America. She looks like a nice person and I hope you make more friends like her.

Ryan seems nice too but even though his family is from Korea, he's American, right? So I was thinking... you know I have no problems with you having male friends because I never said anything about your relationship with Il Woo but I'm not sure about Ryan.

You mentioned that he's Ali's friend, didn't you? And it's strictly platonic? But why is it platonic? Were they together in the past? Or did she reject his advances?

I thought back to what Jonathan had said and for the nth time since that confrontation, I wondered if they truly were just friends. I was dying to know what was going on but I didn't have another Ali-like friend to fill me in on all the details. I continued reading.

I don't want to sound worried but some of these guys really don't think it's possible to be just friends with girls. Sometimes, a guy is friends with a girl because he's just waiting for the right time to ask her out. Or maybe it's just part of this strategy for getting her, after all, most relationships start as friendships. And since I'm here, he might think you're single. Have you made it clear that you're unavailable? I was wondering, but will it be weird for you to wear your ring at school? If everyone sees it then they'll know you're taken. smile.gif I've started wearing mine in public and whenever anyone asks about it, I feel so proud telling them about us.

I groaned. If I started wearing my ring at school, there was no way it wouldn't make it on the school notice board and only God knew what theory they'd come up with. I wouldn't want to be known as the pregnant girl who later became the poster child for abortion because her belly never grew.

I don't want to sound paranoid but I must admit that I'm a bit worried. I would hate for you to be uncomfortable and you mentioned that he's giving you his notes. Are you sure he doesn't have ulterior motives? And if he asks you out and you reject him, will he stop giving you his notes? Just to be on the safe side, trying making friends with other people in your class who can help you. I don't want to scare you but I'm male so I know how other guys think. There's no way he can't see how cute you are so I think it might not be just friendship on his side. Of course, I might be wrong but what if I am not?

Don't depend on him and try to make more friends, okay? I know you feel like a stranger at that school but you've got a sweet personality so I'm sure it won't be hard to make more friends, okay? Girls preferably.

Love,
Min Ki.

P.S.

I know you're going to reply and tell me to stop being jealous and yes, I am jealous but only because everyone at your school gets to spend time with you. But other than that, I'm just worried. There are so many unscrupulous characters out there and I just want to help you protect yourself, so don't misunderstand me.

P.P.S

Write back soon.

Chapter 13

2010-12-19T22:37:00.000-08:00

According to Na Young, I was one of "those stupid girls." I certainly didn't agree with her but even I had to admit that I'd been blessed with certain qualities that I'd rather not have. For one, I was one of those girls whose breasts swelled up during her period which was why I had bras in two different cup sizes. I was also one of those girls who got really fidgety after eating too much sugar but most of all, I was one of those girls who fell for any guy who liked her.

It didn't really matter if the guy was tall or short, cute or not-so-cute but the minute I heard a guy had expressed some interest in me, I found myself intrigued. It was why Na Young could prank me and in the end, I embarrassed myself in front of a guy I later found out didn't even know my name. In fact, Min Ki was the only guy I'd liked on my own although my friends had insisted I started to like him because he'd begun to be especially nice to me. But whatever.

On to Ryan Cho. Till I received that fateful letter from Min Ki, as far as I was concerned, he was just a guy I'd become friendly with. We were cool and he was nice to me but that was about it. Nothing more. Possibly something less. But now that Min Ki had decided that he might have ulterior motives, all I could do was spend my time trying to see if anything he'd done or said had hinted that he was somehow attracted to me.

He'd certainly never smiled at me the way Jonathan had and I honestly felt he was pretty much just being nice to me because I was the new girl and we had a mutual friend in Ali. But was there more to it?

With these thoughts floating in my head, I decided to investigate.

Aside from History, he was also in my Physics class so when I walked into my third period class, I couldn't help but look for him. I didn't even know what I'd planned to do when I found him but luckily he hadn't arrived yet. I took a seat at the back of the class and a few seconds before the teacher arrived, he strolled in without a care in the world.

The only reason I was in AP Physics was that my old school's curriculum was more advanced than Brighton's and since I'd already learned about centripetal force, I didn't feel bad for not listening to the teacher drone on and on about velocity and mass and other boring stuff. I probably should have found a productive way to occupy myself but all I could do was watch Ryan write notes, stare out of the window, yawn, scratch his head, rummage through his bag, lend his calculator the girl sitting next to him and pop a Tic Tac.

Towards the end of class, when she returned his calculator to him, he smiled at her warmly, in exactly the same way he smiled at me. Surely it wasn't possible he liked her too, right? He wasn't just being nice to her so that he could get an opportunity to ask her out, right? Right?

***

"Su Jin, come here!" Ali yelled to the entire cafeteria. She waved for me to join her at her table. Since there were no guys with her, namely any ones with names beginning with R, I was perfectly willing to sit with her but did she really need to get the entire cafeteria to stare at me? Less than a minute later, I dropped my bag on an empty seat and smiled at the skinny blonde girl sitting next to her.

"Hi, I'm Su J—"

"You can introduce yourself later. You'd better go and get your food before all the good stuff's gone," Ali instructed.

About ten minutes later, when I returned with my tray, Ryan was sitting with them. I stood there rooted to the ground thinking of what to do. Should I go and sit with Seung Mi and the rest of my brother's fans or should I go back to Ali and Lisa?

"What's wrong with you?" Ali yelled from the table. "Aren't you coming to sit here?"

For the second time in ten minutes, the entire cafeteria stared at me as I walked to the table. I dropped the tray on the other end of the table so I could be as far away from Ryan as possible. The table sat about eight or ten people so it really wasn't a hard feat to accomplish.

"Do we smell?" Ali asked curiously. "Why are you sitting over there?"

I shrugged. "No reason."

She looked at me like I was crazy but to my relief, didn't press the issue. "Su Jin, I don't think you've met Lisa," she said, pointing her fork at the girl next to her. Other than her blonde hair, she also had blue eyes and heavily mascaraed dark lashes. She had quite a few freckles on her face but was quite pretty despite them.

"Hi," she said, waving at me. "You don't know me but you've probably heard the story of the pregnant girl in Switzerland."

"The one with the nuns?" I looked to Ali for confirmation.

"Yes, that one except the truth is far less interesting - she was only at fat camp," Ali said regretfully.

I began to laugh until the words sunk in. Fat camp? I thought as I tried to hide my shock. Looking at her, I wouldn't have guessed that she'd ever had a weight problem.

"Yeah, you've lost weight but I didn't think you needed to in the first place," Ryan said.

Lisa shrugged. "What Mummy wants, Mummy gets."

I watched as Ryan and Lisa interacted and other than the familiarity that came with knowing someone for a reasonable length of time, he really didn't treat her any differently from how he treated me.

I sat and ate, watching the three of them as they talked about their Labor Day festivities and Ali joking about a party where they had to bring their own meat and I felt a little jealous that I wasn't in on any of their inside jokes. The three of them were kind by trying to include me in their conversation but I couldn't help but feel left out. They reminded me so much of hanging out with Na Young, Tae Ran and Il Woo that I promised myself to email them as soon as I got out of the cafeteria. I really did miss them. I sat there and wondered if I'd ever develop that kind of friendship with anyone in America.

"You're such a pair of panties," a male voice said, interrupting my thoughts. I looked up and saw one of Ryan's friends shaking his head and laughing.

His friend smiled to us as a greeting and we smiled back.

"What happened to bros before hoes?" his friend asked.

"Who's a ho?" Lisa and Ali asked in unison. For my part, I didn't know what garden tools had to do with us.

"You and your big mouth." Ryan crumbled up a napkin into a ball and threw it at him. "Hey girls," he said, getting up and picking up his tray. "I need to get something from that idiot over there. I'll see you later."

***

Ryan nodded at me before occupying the seat next to mine. It was History class and we had about two minutes before Miss. Saunders walked in and started dictating her notes.

"Hey," he said, putting his hand on my shoulder.

This minute I felt his weight on my shoulder, my heart started beating heavily. I'd already decided that we were just friends and he felt absolutely nothing towards me but why was he touching me? Why?

The longer it stayed there, the heavier it felt and I could already feel my body buckling under the weight. From the corner of my eye, I looked at his long fingers and chewed up fingernails and didn't know what to do. Should I just casually slap his hand off? Or could I move my shoulder in a way that made his hand fall off on its own?

I was in the middle of eenie-meenie-minie-moe when I noticed him moving closer to me. His head moved closer to mine and I noticed a weird glint in his eye. I bit my lip. I'd seen enough American movies to know what was coming next. Help!

I glanced at the rest of the class but everyone else was lost in their own world. No one was looking at us and nobody cared that Ryan Cho was about to assault me.

I looked back at him and his eyes locked with mine. As he moved closer to me, reflexively, I inched back. The horror movie had begun and Min Ki had been right. I couldn't even tell him to back off because my lips had been clamped shut and my arms had transformed into planks of wood.

"What is wrong with you?" he suddenly asked.

I gulped. "Nothing?"

He frowned. "Nothing? Was that a question or an answer?"

What the hell was wrong with me? I had a boyfriend and I was a strong woman so there was no need to cower because some guy was moving close to me. "Can you move back a little?" I said with my newly found confidence.

He rolled his eyes. "What's your problem? I'm just giving you my notes," he said, dropping another stack of stapled sheets on my desk. He sat back straight in his chair and just shook his head.

"Oh," I said sheepishly, feeling like the idiot I was. "But you don't need to make copies, you know? I can just copy them off you."

"Sorry," he said, shaking his head. "I don't trust anyone with my notes – I've been burned too many times."

I stole a glance without him noticing. If he was interested in me, wouldn't he be so aware of me that he'd flinch or at least move if I looked at him? But with him, nothing. I looked at him one more time and he just kept reading his textbook, completely oblivious of me. I sighed. There was absolutely no way this guy had a thing for me because while I was sitting there, red faced and sweaty, he was completely unaffected. In fact, I wasn't even sure he realized that I was a girl. I wasn't disappointed but dang. I picked up the notes he'd given me and flipped the first page over. His handwriting was unnecessarily neat. I sighed. Oppa was wrong but what he didn't know couldn't hurt him, right? There was no harm in keeping Ryan as a friend without his knowledge. Right?

***

Now sure that Ryan only thought of me as another girl in his class, I felt pretty good about hanging out with him and Ali. And even though Min Ki was right about finding new friends, I at least felt fine hanging out with Ryan and Ali, together or separately. As time passed, we hung out at school and even progressed to calling one another on the phone after school hours. So one fateful evening, while I was at a bookstore entertaining myself as my brother picked up one of his school books, I didn't hesitate to pick up the flyer that was practically calling Ryan's name. And why wouldn't I? It was something friends did.

Chapter 14

2010-12-18T22:38:00.000-08:00

"See what I found," I said as I handed the flyer to Ali.

She gave it a quick look over, raised her brow and said, "Interesting. I'm going to send Ryan a text."

She, Lisa and I had a free period, so we were spending it at the library trying to finish up on some homework. My English classes were more advanced than what I'd done with Tom so Ali was helping me where she could.

Lisa's phone vibrated. She picked it up and looked at the caller id. "Great. My little brother is calling me. I wonder what kind of trouble he's gotten into now," she grumbled. She picked up her bag and slung it over her shoulder. "I guess I'll be seeing you guys soon."

"Try not to stop at Burger King," Ali called after her.

Lisa her gave her 'the finger' but kept walking away.

"Burger King?" I whispered curiously. "She's leaving school?"

Ali shook her head. "Probably not – I just wanted to annoy her," she said, giggling.

A few minutes later, Ryan showed up and threw his bag on our table. "What do you guys want?"

Ali handed him the flyer. "What do you think?"

He read it then looked at her. "You called me over for this?"

"Why don't you just sit down and lower your voice?"

Ali was one of those people who was playful most of the time but when she was serious, you knew that she meant business. And this was one of those rare times.

"Why? I'm not staying here," he said defiantly.

She pulled his arm hard till he had to sit to keep it from dislocating. "Are you trying to kill me?" he snarled at her.

"You walk around with your camera, thinking you're Ang Lee," she said, ignoring his annoyed expression, "at the times no one gives a sh.it about your ideas, you bore us to death telling us about the movies that you'd like to make and now that you have a chance, you're acting like this?"

He threw the flyer on the table. "You think entering some local competition is going to get me an Oscar?"

"It's a step," she said simply.

"Ages 15-21 only? It's for amateurs."

"So what? Isn't that what you are?"

At times like this, I felt like a fly on the wall. I didn't want to vocally side with either of them even though I agreed with Ali. If he wanted to make a film, why not jump at the opportunity to be taken seriously?

He picked up the sheet of paper and looked at it again. "What can I say in 5-20 minutes?" he asked skeptically.

"A lot," she countered.

"What will it be about?"

She shrugged in exasperation. "How will I know? You're a smart guy – you'll think of something."

"The top five selected films will be sent over to the national competition and be viewed by the Zoetrope board members," he read.

"And it says that the company is owned by Francis Coppola," she said, pointing at a line on the sheet. "He's big deal, isn't he?"

He nodded. "Yeah."

"So what's the problem? It's free to enter, it's a legitimate competition and if your film is selected, this Coppola guy may get to see it and if it's not, so what? You've made a movie."

"But what will it be about? How will I make it? Who'll be in it? Wh—"

"She can be the star," Ali suddenly said, pointing at me.

"W-what?" I'd been so immersed in their conversation that she'd practically jolted me out of a trance. "M-me? No way."

"Yes way," she countered. "You found the flyer so you deserve it. Maybe you'll become a big star."

I shook my head vehemently. "No way. It's okay – I don't want to be a star."

"Don't be silly." She turned back to Ryan. "She can be the star, I'll help in any way I can. What do producers do anyway?"

"They provide funding."

"In that case, I can be the editor or cinematographer…" She suddenly put her hand up in the air. "No. No, I've got it. I'll be the costume designer and make-up artist, she's the actress, you're the producer and director and we can make this the best film ever made in Brighton Academy."

***

"So what have you come up with?" Ali asked before she put a huge scoop of ice cream in her mouth. Since it was a lovely day out, she'd come up with the brilliant plan of sneaking our lunch outside. The school was quite strict about carrying school utensils outside of the cafeteria so I'd wrapped my beef and bacon burger in a napkin and put some fries in some aluminum foil I'd managed to score off the cafeteria lady. But Ali didn't care. She was only having soft serve ice cream for lunch and couldn't be bothered to hide the bowl she'd piled it in.

Ryan pulled out some copies of the script from his bag and gave them to us. "Well, this is my vision," he began. He stood up and described the entire film to us. It was a story about a Korean girl who, like many other immigrants, had come to America in search of her dreams.

"At first, she'd absolutely love it. She'd love everything about it – the streets, the food, the clothes, the weather," he said animatedly. "Everything would be bigger than she'd ever dreamed of till it'll slowly start to unravel. She'd learn that it's all a façade and that it really can't live up to the fantasy she's built up in her mind."

"What will happen to her?" I still wasn't keen on doing the movie but Ali wasn't having it. I'd tried to protest and explain that I really sucked at acting but it fell on deaf ears and in the end, I gave in.

"Hey, relax," Ryan said chuckling. "It's not going to be something really terrible. Just a mugging… something she never experienced back home. I was thinking that she might witness a drive by shooting but how will I film that? But after experiencing that initial ugliness of America, she'd suddenly stop smelling roses and start seeing thorns. Hey," he said, suddenly stopping. "Let me write that down." He grabbed a pen and wrote the line at the back of one of his scripts. "Anyway," he continued, "she'd realize that her homeland is pretty great and go back. What do you guys think?" he asked expectantly.

It sounded alright although I'd hoped for something more interesting. "It could be more interesting but I guess it's okay."

"Ali?"

She made a big show of fake yawning.

Ryan folded his arms across his chest. "Why?" He sat back on the grass and waited for her response.

She shrugged. "It's not that it's not interesting but it's been done a hundred times before. Why does it have to be something involving the old country?"

He sighed. "Think about it. Look at the movies in the theatres – it's generally only movies with a primarily Caucasian cast that can really be about anything. If most of the stars are Asians or Hispanics or whomever, it has to be somehow related to identity."

"Bullsh.it," was Ali's only response.

I didn't know much about American cinema outside of what I'd seen back home so I had nothing to contribute.

"Really? Think about it. What's the Joy Luck Club about? What about the Namesake? Even though Jackie Chan's movies are comedies, his character always has to be from Asia."

"That's because his accent is thick. You really think he can pass for a New Yorker?"

"Okay, true. But if the movie isn't set in Asia like Crouching Tiger, the characters must go through some identity issues or talk about stereotypes or what it means to be of Asian ancestry in America. I'm not talking about independent films here but the ones that make it to mainstream America."

"So even if it's true, so what? You're not making this for Twentieth Century Fox. Can't you break the mold?"

"I could but I'd like to win. Wouldn't you? You're the one who wants to make a film that Francis Ford Coppola can see. You think we can do that without a film that has an edge to it? Or can you come up with another plot? Besides, just like Jackie Chan, our actress over here," he said, pointing at me, "has some limitations."

"True, true," Ali said before they both laughed.

Hardihaha. What was so funny about that?

***

"What class project is this?" Dong Won asked as we approached Ryan's house.

"A class project." The film was to be submitted by the week after Thanksgiving so we'd decided to start working on it as soon as possible. I was getting quite excited because it meant that I had something to do on Saturdays.

"My friend expects you to be faithful," he said as he steered the wheel and pulled over.

I turned to him. "Your point?"

My brother bent his head so that he could get a better view of the red brick house. "Not bad," he commented. "My point is that my friend expects you to be faithful so if you're not, break up with him and don't pretend to be working on a school project when you know you're just hanging out with some guy."

As if on cue, at that moment, Ali stepped out of the house looking quite naked in her maroon tube top and denim shorts. She smiled and waved at us.

I spun my head back at my brother. "Thanks for your advice," I said with a smirk. "We're going to be busy and it's going to take quite some time so you can come back around eight."

He scoffed. "You must be kidding if you think you're going to miss 'Family Time'. Better be ready by six."

***

Ryan wasn't home when I arrived because he was filming some scenes with some of his friends who were serving as extras. What that meant was that he got to drive around town filming his friends walking by, shopping and doing everyday things that he'd later edit into the film as background shots.

"I look like a Prada Bi.tch," I said to Ali's reflection. And it only made sense after all, she'd spent over thirty minutes painting one face. "There's no way I'm going to appear on film looking like this!" I picked up some tissue and was about to wipe some of the crap off when Ali grabbed my hand.

"If you don't wanna die, you'd better not wipe off all my hard work!"

I pushed her hand off mine. "It's bad enough I'm going to be acting in this movie but I will not look like a clown!"

"Hey," Ryan said, suddenly appearing. "Stop yelling – there are other people in this house," he reminded us.

His parents had given us full reign of the basement so we were using it as our studio-cum-prep room. He looked at my face. "Ali, the make-up really does look excessive," he confessed.

My heart sank. "See? I look like sh.it."

"The make-up has to be thick to be effective on screen," she argued. "Su Jin, before you wipe it off, at least see what it looks like on film."

She sounded so sincere I agreed to her proposal. "But if it still looks like sh.it, I'm taking it off."

The light wasn't that great in the basement so we climbed up the stairs and went to the backyard. Ryan pointed the camera at me. "You don't have to say anything. Just walk towards me," he said as he backed away. A few seconds after looking at the blank camera, I started making a few faces to entertain myself. How the hell did actors do this for months at a time? "Please try to be normal," he said, partying pooping as always.

After about a minute or two, he stopped filming so we went back to the basement to continue with our preparations.

"Wow," I mouthed as I looked at myself. Even though I was distorting my face like a fool, I still looked quite awesome. Maybe it was something about how the light fell on my face but the make-up really looked great. It highlighted and shadowed my features in a way that made them pop out on screen. And I didn't look like someone else – I just looked like a better version of my normal self.

I gave Ryan back the camera and after seeing the playback, he looked almost as shocked as I was. He continuously looked from the viewfinder to me as if he couldn't believe it was the same person.

"Hey, stop staring at her like she just had a makeover," Ali said shortly after, nudging him. "She's always looked good."

"I know," Ryan breathed. "It's just that—"

"It's just what?" she interrupted.

"Nothing."

The room fell into awkward silence so I went back to looking at my reflection in the mirror. I was still amazed that I didn't look like a Prada Bi.tch on film.

Ali began to hum as she packed up her make-up and Ryan was supposedly doing something with his camera but every time I looked in his direction, he quickly looked away.

I didn't know what it was but something about the whole situation was weird and I felt my chest tightening and my breathing becoming shallower.

"When do we start filming?" I asked to distract myself from the tension that was building up in the room.

"Since the guys are here we can just film the mugging scene now. I don't know how long it will take but it shouldn't be too difficult, so don't worry."

"I'm not worried," I snapped even though I knew I needn't sound so defensive. It wasn't like he'd insulted me or anything.

"Okay, let's go," he said, gesturing for me to stand up.

I looked over at Ali and saw her look at Ryan then at me before smiling to herself.

Chapter 15

2010-12-17T22:20:00.000-08:00

"You must only speak Korean when you're here so that Ryan can improve. It's because he and his brothers kept getting embarrassed whenever we spoke it in public that they can't speak it now," his mother mused.

"Umma," Ryan growled.

"No, I'm being serious. We were so embarrassed the last time we went to Korea," she continued. "He couldn't say a three word sentence without adding an English word and to top it off, he spoke the few Korean words he knew with an English accent." She tut-tutted. "It was so bad."

"Umma, I was only 10 then."

His mother nodded enthusiastically. "Exactly. So are you trying to say you're better now? Don't you know that you're worse these days?" She frowned. "You don't believe me? Okay, say, 'the rain in Spain stays mainly in the plain' in Korean."

I laughed when I saw Ryan shake his head and take a bite of his roll.

We were at his place to continue with our film and I hadn't even been there for an hour when Ryan's parents called us in for lunch. I'd already eaten at home but his mother wasn't interested in hearing that.

"If I only speak Korean, how will Ali understand?" I wondered.

Ali shrugged and looked away.

Ryan's father laughed. "It's okay. Ali should give her jaw a break every now and then."

"Uncle! I really don't talk that much. I don't know why you always say that!" she whined.

We all laughed and fell into conversation. Even though his parents were speaking Korean, Ryan replied in English.

"Ryan, why don't you just speak Korean?" I asked after a while.

"Because I want Ali to understand," he snapped back.

"Don't worry about me," Ali said as if it was a huge sacrifice. She picked up the bottle of Diet Coke and poured herself a fresh glass. I held out my glass for a refill.

"He answers in English because he can't string three Korean words together," his father reiterated in Korean. "How is the movie coming along?"

"Appa, we've only just started so there's a lot of work to do."

His father nodded. "That's good. It's good that you can learn how hard it is to make a movie. Or do you think that those directors get paid millions of dollars for nothing? And I hope that this will help you finally get this filming nonsense out of your system. Su Jin ah, don't you think it's a shame that someone as smart as Ryan, someone with such a scientific brain doesn't even care about his gift?"

Hoping it was a rhetorical question, I didn't reply.

"I remember how happy I was when he took apart his older brother's broken camera and fixed it. I thought it meant that he was going to be an engineer or become some kind of inventor but instead, he decided to use it to tape us wrapping Christmas gifts. What did he gain from that? What is so special about wrapping gifts? Wasn't it pointless?"

Ali gave me a look and when I glanced at Ryan, his face was devoid of emotion. I scooped a spoon of rice and tried not to think about it. But I couldn't help but feel sad when I thought about how often he had to hear his father's annoying little speech.

***

"Action!"

I looked into the camera and tried to remember my lines. "Umma, I'm so happy!" I jumped to show my excitement. "I can't—"

"Cut!"

I groaned. "What now?" We'd been trying to film our second scene of the day for the last thirty minutes and had yet been able to get through the first minute. The stupid guy really thought he was Woody Allen or something. Did he think that the film was going to be screened at Cannes?

"Just chill a bit on the happiness, okay? You sounded like you'd just inhaled helium. The idea is to act like you're happy and not stupid," he said condescendingly.

Okay, what was his problem? Did he forget that I was taking time out of my precious Saturday to act in his stupid film? "Look, if you're going to call me stupid, just forget about it. It's not like I'm actually gaining anything from this!" I yelled before I turned around to make my dramatic exit.

But before I could take a step, he quickly caught me and turned me around. "Okay, I'm sorry. Let's just do this one more time but can you tone down the happiness a bit? Just a notch?"

I looked over at Ali who was staying off frame in preparation for her part. She'd been mumbling and pacing around as if she was practicing lines which made no sense as she had none.

"Ready?" our director asked.

I frowned. "Okay, ready," I said grudgingly.

"1, 2, action!"

I smiled into the camera. " Umma, I'm so happy! I…," I began. The whole idea was to go on and on about how happy I was and get so caught up in it that I wouldn't notice the pedestrian (Ali) bump into me.

"Cut."

I groaned loudly. "What now? I thought the scene was going perfectly."

"Ali, you're supposed to hit her. Just now, it looked like you just walked by her. The audience is supposed to notice you bump into her even though she doesn't flinch."

"Look," Ali said in a bored tone, "I only have about twenty minutes before Kevin arrives so let's get this over and done with, okay? If the bump isn't great you can fix it in editing or whatever."

Kevin was the guy she was currently going gaga over. According to her, he was the hottest guy on the planet which was something I could agree with if I completely disregarded his face.

"Alright, let's do this again. Remember, you must bump into her. Okay? Ready. Places, ladies! Action!"

"Ouch! ALI, WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!?! OUCH! Ouch!!" I yelled a few minutes later. Ali had done as Ryan requested but when she'd hit me, I didn't even get the chance to pretend that I couldn't feel it because she sent me flying about two feet. I rubbed my butt furiously and checked to see if I'd grazed my knee. It hadn't been a pretty fall as I'd landed on my knee and when it couldn't support me, all the weight had pushed me on my as.s. Dang.

Ali ran over to help me but Ryan cut in front of her and pushed her away. "Su Jin, are you okay?" he asked worriedly as he crouched down in front of me and began to brush off my sandy knee. "Are you okay?" He rubbed my knee but when he started to massage my calf, I didn't know why but I just had to stop him. "Are you okay?" he repeated as I tried to get up.

I nodded. His closeness was throwing me off but I tried to ignore it. It was no big deal - I was probably only just realizing that I really loved my personal space. "I'm okay," I said as I let him help me up. My butt was still on fire but I knew I'd live. He held on to me tightly as he walked me to a nearby bench. "Let's take a five minute break and Ali, please remember that this isn't the freaking WWE!"

***

"Hey, can you hold the door open?" Ryan called as he climbed down the stairs. We were done filming for the day and since Ali had already gone off with Kevin, I was waiting for my brother in the make-shift studio.

I jumped off the couch and did as he asked and watched him walk through the door with an electric keyboard in his hand.

"What's that?"

He raised his brow. "What does it look like?" He walked over to a corner and set it up on one of the tables. He dragged a random chair in front of it then sat down and tinkled with a key to test the sound. "Cool," he said, nodding contentedly.

"You play?"

He nodded. "For a few years now." Then he titled his lips and stretched his face unsurely. "I've got the craziest idea."

I walked over to the keyboard and played 'Mary Had a Little Lamb'. That and 'Doe A Deer, A Female Deer' were the only tunes I knew and I made sure to play them whenever I saw a keyboard.

He put his hand over my mine to stop me from playing. I couldn't pretend that I didn't feel the tingle so I immediately took my hand back and went back to sit on the couch. Okay. What was that?

"Su Jin, what do you think about doing a song with me?"

I turned to him. "Meaning?"

"Well," he said, nervously, "you have a good voice and I was just thinking that if we're going to make a movie, we might as well come up with an original song – like a soundtrack or something."

I chuckled. "Is that necessary? I don't think they expect the movie to be that professional." Jeez. What was the boy on?

"But if we're going to do this, shouldn't we do it right? If we are going to make this movie then we need to put in our 100%."

I shook my head. "Ali practically had to beg you to enter the competition but all of a sudden, you're so into it that you want to put in your 100%."

He rolled his eyes. "So what do you think? Do you agree? I'll compose the song – all you'd need to do is sing it. I'd have sung it if I didn't sound like a frog."

I shuddered at the memory of him singing at our choir auditions.

A song, huh? I'd always had my little fantasies of singing in front of a crowd of people yelling my name and throwing their bras at me. Okay, not their bras but who hadn't fantasized about winning a Grammy award and thanking all the little people she'd had to step on to get to number 1?

It did sound like fun. "Okay, show me your skills. Play something for me."

As he played the tune, I couldn't help but acknowledge that he was actually quite good. He was no Mozart but he certainly understood his music. I bumped my head along with the music till I recognized it and instinctively started singing the lyrics. "She's so lucky, she's a star but she cry, cry, cries…" I turned and looked at him in dismay. "Britney Spears? You like Britney Spears?" I fell back on the couch and burst out laughing. I was practically rolling all over and laughing my ass off because it was just plain ridiculous. He loved Britney? Okay, so in my youth, I'd loved Britney but he loved Britney? I had to hold my tummy to keep it from bursting as I laughed harder.

"No! No!" he protested.

I looked up and saw him waving vehemently in defense.

I sat up, frowned then folded my arms. "You don't like Britney but you know her song? And can play it on the piano?"

He tinkled a few keys and shook his head. "I had a thing for this girl in 7th grade and she was such a huge fan of hers that I got it in my head that if I could play the songs for her, she'd be impressed and maybe like me too," he said with a shrug. From the faces he was making, I could tell that it wasn't something he was proud of.

I laughed some more. "And was she impressed?"

He scrunched his nose. "She transferred schools before I even got the chance to show her."

And that just killed me.

After recovering from all the laughter, I said, "So you know all her songs, huh? Okay, play this one…." I paused to catch my breath then started singing the lyrics to Stronger.

He shook his head. "She left before I could learn that one."

I chuckled. "Okay, what else can I sing? Every time I try to fly I fall…"

He shook his head again. "Not that one either."

I growled. Jeez. This guy was really killing my mojo. I wanted to sing something! "Okay, how about this one?" I cleared my throat and began, "I don't wanna be so shy, huh-huh, but every time that I'm alone I wonder why…"

He wrinkled his forehead. "Sounds familiar. Keep singing."

"… I hope that you will wait me. You'll see that you're the only for me."

He smiled and nodded before placing his fingers on the keyboard and playing the tune.

After singing one more line, I got off his bed, pretended my fist was a microphone and started singing and dancing. He sounded quite great and I felt like I was performing at Madison Square Garden.

"Sometimes I run, sometimes I hide. Sometimes I'm scared of you but all I really want is to hold you tight, treat you right, be with you day and night…."

Baby all I need is time.

Chapter 16

2010-12-16T10:19:00.000-08:00

"So all I need to do is walk?"

Ryan nodded. "Yeah. Just walk and I'll film you. Since she's excited to be in D.C., we have to show some landmarks."

I rolled my eyes. "I get that. But what makes this street famous?"

"It's M street in Georgetown. It's like going to New York and never going to Times Square."

I looked around. The street was crawling with young people but that wasn't anything special as it was Saturday. There were quite a few restaurants and even though it was fall, it was still warm so all the outdoor sitting areas were occupied.

I looked at him. "I'm still trying to figure out what's impressive about this." The street was crawling with clothing stores but even if I had money, judging from his raggedy jeans and 'army' t-shirt, was I supposed to go shopping with him?

He shook his head. "You're such hater. Besides, this isn't about you but about Rachel."

I raised my brow. "Who is Rachel?"

He hissed. "Do you even pay any attention to me? Your character's name is Rachel."

What? I looked at him from the corner of my eye. "She's Korean, isn't she?"

"So what? That's the name I came up with so deal with it."

I chuckled. He probably couldn't think of a better name.

"Okay, just start walking ahead of me and I'll film you from behind."

I walked ahead and put my hands behind me. "Don't look at my butt!" I joked.

"Even if I looked, what would I see?" he quipped.

Small butts were in fashion. I turned around and stuck my tongue at him then kept on walking.

"Hey!" he yelled a few minutes later.

The urgency in his voice stopped me cold in my tracks. I turned around anxiously. "What's wrong?"

He put the camera down and frowned. "Nothing's wrong." He grabbed my hand and dragged me to the front of some steps. "I told you there was cool stuff here," he said proudly.

"Huh?" I looked around. Was I missing something?

"These are the famous steps."

"Oh, really? They are interesting," I said, hoping that I could, in fact, find something interesting about them. "I mean, they are narrow and pretty high and look old." I looked down the street. "Georgetown seems to be a mixture of old and new. I guess it's pretty cool." I smiled. I was quite impressed with my artistic eye.

He frowned. "You don't know where these steps are from, do you?"

I widened my eyes. They were from somewhere else?

"It's from The Exorcist." When he saw that my blank expression did not change, he shook his head. "You know, the movie about the possessed girl. The one where her head spins around," he said impatiently.

I shook my head. "Sorry, I haven't seen it."

He glared at me in amazement then turned around and started walking briskly.

I chased after him. Was this guy really angry at me because I hadn't seen some stupid movie?

"Hey you, look at me!" I yelled, suddenly getting an idea.

He kept walking and luckily, we'd gotten to a less busy part of the street so there weren't as many people around.

I jumped ahead and tapped his shoulder. "What's your problem? Just turn around."

I saw his shoulders slump before he turned around. "What?"

I started dancing.

He looked at me through bored eyes. "What are you doing?"

"Hey, put that camera on me! We can film our music video here."

"Our video?"

"For our song," I reminded him. "The one you're going to write. The one I'm going to perform?"

He shook his head and started to turn around but I yelled at him to look back at me. Gosh. Couldn't he relax a little?

I danced enthusiastically like a desperate debut singer. "Something something love love something," I started singing badly.

"Those will not be the lyrics to our song," he said as he raised the camera. As I danced and walked forward, he slowly walked backwards and kept the camera trained on me.

"Something something love, oh, I really really love America. I'm so so sooooooooooo happy to be here. Oh, can't you see? Georgetown rocks!" I did a complete turn and kept on dancing in what I hoped was a sultry manner.

Ryan started laughing but kept filming me.

***

"Do we really need to do this?" I asked Ryan for the nth time since we'd arrived at the platform.

"There has to be a subway scene."

"But it's so embarrassing," I said, stomping my foot and sulking.

He laughed. "If singing like an American Idol reject doesn't embarrass you, smiling into the camera in a train shouldn't. Hey, look, the train is finally here."

I saw a relatively empty car pass by us so we jogged further up the platform to catch it.

A few minutes later, I fixed my hair in my little compact mirror and when I was satisfied with it, I brushed my blouse down then cleared my throat. "I'm ready."

Ryan did his signature head shake then switched his camera on. "Remember, you don't have to say anything. Just look happy to be on the subway."

"Did you visit some kind of village when you went to Korea?"

He furrowed his brow and shook his head. "No. Why?"

"You realize that a Korean girl wouldn't be so impressed by with a subway, right? It's nothing special."

He put the camera down. "Look, anyone who visits London takes a photo of the Tube. It doesn't matter if the person is from New York or Rome or Tokyo. It's just a thing you do so don't get offended."

I was about to give a sarcastic retort when I suddenly realized that there was someone yelling on the train. I looked up to see a middle aged man in worn out clothes looking at us and shouting.

Ryan seemed to notice him at the same time because he moved his body in front of mine as a shield. "What's your problem?" he roared at the man.

"You're my problem! What the fu.ck are you doing here? You and that bit.ch? Get the fu.ck out of here! Go back to your country!"

Had we done something wrong? "Ryan, what's going on?" I asked in a small voice.

Ryan stood up while making sure that he was still in between me and the man. I stood up too but he told me to sit back down. Then he turned back to the burly man. "Look, we don't want any trouble. We were minding our business and not talking to you so just leave us alone."

The man burst out laughing. "I am doing my civic duty. We should rid this country of this filth!" the man began before he went into a long rant about Americans being stupid for letting just anyone into their country. I tried to block out what he was saying but I kept hearing references to Virginia Tech and how Americans can no longer be safe in their own country.

Ryan sat back down and wrapped his arms around me. "Are you okay?"

I nodded. My heart was thumping and it was the first time someone had ever exhibited such rage towards me. The guy was slurring his speech a little and I wondered if he was inebriated. There was a slight smell of alcohol but I wasn't sure if it was from him or just the general awful smell of the train.

I looked over at the other passengers in our car – a woman with two young children, three guys and an elderly couple – and although they were sending us pitying looks, I was quite sure there weren't going to interfere.

The man looked like he could turn violent at any moment so I held on tightly to Ryan's shirt. Is this what my father relocated my entire family to America for? I was just too young for this bullsh.it.

The man spat on the floor. "That's you. That's you!" he yelled before spitting again.

I looked away and tried to block him out.

"Just ignore him," Ryan whispered as the train halted to a stop. "Don't be scared. He's an idiot and can't do anything to us."

"Let's get off now. We should just leave and get on the next train."

He shook his head. "We can't let him interfere with our day. That's what he wants so why should we please him? Just ignore him and when he's tired, he'll stop talking."

The elderly couple got off and some other passengers got into our car. I hoped that seeing more people would deter the psychotic man from attacking us but once the train started moving, he picked up from when he left off.

"Hey, you, shut the hell up and leave them alone!" one of the new passengers shouted from a few seats from us about a minute into the man's attack. He was a tall Caucasian man with brown hair and looked like he was in his thirties.

"Mind your business, you sellout!" the psycho replied.

The man chuckled. "Matt," he said, tapping the African American man sitting next to him. "This guy just called me a sellout," he said, standing up and carefully walking over to our side. His friend did the same.

"So this guy likes to pick on young kids trying to ride the train? Man, do you do this for kicks?"

"Mind your damn business," the man repeated in a less confident tone. I could almost swear that his voice had begun to shake.

"What's the problem, buddy?" the brown-haired man said. It looked like he, too, had picked up on the man's shaken resolve. "Why don't you fight us? Or you're afraid to take on someone your own size?"

"Why would I fight you? You're not the problem. You're not the one coming into the United States to live on American soil, live off American taxes then turn around and still hate us."

"You're quite stupid, aren't you?" Matt asked.

His friend chuckled. "Isn't he? He's talking about V-Tech. Okay," he said, hitting his chest. "I'm Jeffrey Dahmer and you're…," he said, turning to his friend.

"And I'm you're worst nightmare," Matt said, jerking closer to the psycho who in turn moved back like the coward he was.

"His worst nightmare? Dude, that's lame. You have to say a name. I'm Jeffrey Dahmer and you're…?

Matt thought about it for a second. "I'm 50 Cent."

"50 Cent?" his friend repeated skeptically.

"Hell yeah! Did Jeffrey Dahmer get shot 9 times and live to tell about it?"

"Good point," the first man said before looking back at our attacker. "So what do you have to say about that? Start cursing at us – we'd love to hear it."

The other man turned around and as the train arrived at a stop, got off.

***

As soon as we got off the train, I bought a phone card from one of the station vendors and called Min Ki.

"Oppa," I said as soon as he picked up. Since I didn't begin with my usual 'Guess who?' I knew that he'd realize that something was wrong and just listen.

When I finished recounting the story, he asked me if I was hurt.

"I'm fine, Oppa."

"But why would the man attack you? Were you being rude?"

"No!" I protested. "We weren't even talking to him or anything and he just start screaming at us."

"And who were you with? Ali?"

I inhaled. Since I'd previous told him that I was no longer friends with Ryan, I didn't have any choice but to say, "Yes."

He growled. "I was on the internet the other day and everything I read about D.C. was just crime. About someone getting mugged, people's houses getting robbed, murders…. What kind of place is that? How do people even feel safe over there?"

"I don't know." I'd thought that he would make me feel better but instead he was doing the opposite.

"What are you even doing in D.C.? If you have to go out, go with your parents or brother. I am sure that he just attacked you because you were girls. If there was a man with you, he wouldn't have dared say anything like that. It's because he knew you couldn't defend yourselves. I hate mofos like that!"

I thought about how Ryan had handled it and if he could have done things differently, after all, those other guys had managed to chase the man off the train.

"But I'm surprised that he was also attacking Ali. She's American, isn't she?"

"She's Canadian."

"Whatever. I'm just saying she's white, isn't she?"

"Yes."

He sighed audibly. "That man was obviously crazy. Jinnie, don't worry about it. The good thing is that you're safe but next time don't go out by yourself, okay? Oh!" he yelled. "I wish I'd been there to kick his ass. Ah!" he said in frustration, "I would have loved to give that as.shole a piece of my mind and show him that he can't just go around attacking people."

***

"Do you want to go back?" Ryan asked me as soon as I got off the phone with Min Ki.

I shook my head. "Let's just finish what we came for," I said, walking out of the station. If we went back home, it'll mean that we'd have to come back to the city another time and I wasn't sure I was ready for that.

"We're going to the White House?" I said, noticing the signs. "I guess it's that way," I said, walking in the direction of the arrow.

"I guess this is it," I said a few minutes later, standing in front of the black fence protecting the president's home. I turned around and faced him. "Are there any lines you want me to say? Should I be happy?" I asked, planting a huge fake grin on my face.

He lowered his eyes and shook his head sadly. "No. You're fine the way you are."

"Okay, but why aren't you taking your camera out of your bag? Let's start filming." The sooner we did it, the sooner I could go back home. I couldn't believe that I was actually looking forward to 'Family Time'.

As if a higher power decided that the weather just needed to match our moods, I felt a drop of rain drop on my forehead.

Ryan and I quickly ran across the street to find some shelter and as we watched the rain beat the streets, I wondered what was going on in his head. We'd barely exchanged a word since we left the White House and no matter how hard I tried not to think about it, I couldn't get rid of the image of that man spitting on the ground and pointing to it.

***

"Instead of going to my house, why don't I just take you home?" Ryan asked as we walked out of Pentagon City Station. The rain hadn't lasted for long and we'd attempted to salvage the rest of the trip by visiting some other sites and filming whatever we could.

I shrugged. "Sure. Do you know the way?"

For the next twenty minutes, we drove and enjoyed the sounds of one of the local pop stations. It wasn't like I didn't want to speak to him but I just didn't know what to say. I still hadn't been able to wrap my head around what had happened to us. When did it become a crime to sit in a train and why the hell did someone feel justified to attack us like that simply because we shared similar features to a criminal?

As we approached my house, I asked him to stop a few meters from my house.

"Why? I'll take you the full way."

I shook my head. "Here's fine. If my father sees you, he'll start asking questions and I'm really not in the mood."

"Okay." He pulled over and watched me disembark. As I was shutting the door, he said, "Su Jin, please don't worry about what happened today. The guy was obviously an idiot and we shouldn't be bothered by the stupid things he said. Okay?"

I nodded but kept my mouth shut.

"See you Monday?"

I smiled grimly. "Sure."

Chapter 17

2010-12-15T17:28:00.000-08:00

I stuffed the last bit of my bacon and ham pizza and chewed on it, hoping that it'll finally taste good. But no such luck. I'd hoped the smell of cheese and smoked animal product would at least help me forget about what had happened on the train but all I could do was see that man yelling at us.

"… even though we still have to keep searching, we're quite optimistic," my father said, finishing his riveting story about the eternal search for a new director. If my mind hadn't been occupied with other things, my eyes would probably have been glazing over the way my brother's were. I was both fascinated and disturbed by the fact that Abonim created 'Family Time' yet he seemed to have only one thing to share. And why in the world did he think that anyone really cared that much about their hiring process?

It had been over twenty minutes but I was still deciding if I wanted to talk to my parents about what had happened earlier in the day. It was hard to explain because inasmuch as I wanted to forget it all, I also wanted to vent about it. But I knew that mentioning it would mean that I ran the risk of having my movements restricted and it wasn't like I had that much freedom to start off with. It also meant that I'd have to explain to them that this important class project was a film and since I wasn't taking film studies, I knew that I'd have a hard time explaining it away. But on the other hand, I just wanted to get it off my chest!

The room was filled only with the sounds of the television as we waited for my mother to share her week with us. She cleared her throat. "I've decided that I want to start working again."

My brother glanced at me and I told him with my eyes that I didn't know what she was talking about.

"As we've already discussed, you don't need to work," my father said simply. "My income is more than enough for us."

"You know it's not about the money," my mother said in a far too formal voice. She didn't look at him and instead, for some reason, looked at me. She looked tired even though she somehow had a calm aura surrounding her. "I feel useless sitting at home. I want to take the exam and get licensed here."

"And do what? Start a practice? Work at a clinic? Go door-to-door?"

She shrugged. "I'm taking it one step at a time. After getting my license, I'll figure out what to do."

My father sat silently before he suddenly threw his empty glass on the carpet. I felt my chest tighten as I watched it smash into pieces. My brother made a move to pick up the mess but my father ordered him to sit down. "Why can't you just let us be a family?" my father screamed at my mother.

"We can't be a family if I go back to work?"

"Work, work, work!" my father yelled, getting up. "It's because of your precious work that I barely know my children. For so many years, I wanted you and the kids to live with me but you refused. It's because of this that I've barely spent any time with them! They don't know me, they don't respect me... they don't love me," he said regretfully. "I sacrificed my relationship with them for so many years so why can't you sacrifice your work for a little while?"

"Kids need a stable environment and you know that. It wasn't about my work but because they'd have to relocate so much - that's why they stayed with me in Seoul."

"No. They stayed in Seoul because you were too selfish to leave your job. And now that I put my foot down, you still can't leave your job. You care more about your precious career than your family."

"That's not true," my mother said quietly.

"Then why can't you let us be a normal family? What's so great about you that you can't just stay at home like other women? Isn't that what your mother did? Isn't that what my mother did?" he yelled. "Didn't we turn out well? And our mothers were happy doing this. I think back to the family I had growing up and I want that for us. Why can't you just do what you're supposed to do? Why are you so selfish? What makes you feel —"

My brother stood up. "Appa—"

My father's face turned redder as his fury intensified. "Shut up! What makes you think that you can interrupt me? It's all your mother's fault. She couldn't train you properly and that's why you think you can interrupt me when I'm speaking. And what are you children doing here? Don't you know you should leave when you see adults talking? Get out of here!"

***

I barged into my bedroom as my cell phone rang for the third time. "Guess who?" Min Ki's asked.

Hearing his voice uncorked the emotions I'd bottled up and I immediately got choked up. I blinked rapidly to control the tears but before I knew it, I plopped my body on my bed was sobbing like a baby.

"Jinnie, what's going on? Are you still upset about what happened on the train?" he asked in a raspy voice. "I told you to forget about it, Baby. You won't feel better till you forget about it."

I normally hated being referred to as a baby but his use of the word was the last thing on my mind. All I could think about was how much life sucked. "Op-opp…," I tried to get out but the crying wouldn't let it.

"Jinnie!"

"I-I-I'm so sick of this p-p-place."

"Calm down and tell me what's happening. Jinnie, please."

After a few minutes, I managed to calm myself and tell him all that had happened. Min Ki was silent for a few moments before he said, "Does this normally happen at your family meetings?"

I sat up and sniffed. "No. We usually just talk about boring stuff and eat and I'd normally be fine with all of this, but why today?"

"It's okay. I'm sure it's nothing. You're just feeling overwhelmed because of everything that's happened. I'm sure it's not as bad as you think."

My lips quivered as I tried to control my emotions. I didn't think my mother was going to back down and I was sure my father wasn't either so I knew I had many weeks of living in a tension-filled home ahead of me. As I envisioned it, a fresh batch of tears fell down my cheeks. I had only gotten used to living with my father but now it was only going to get worse. Why?

The whole time I cried, Min Ki kept speaking about nothing really. But it was nice to see he was trying his best to comfort me.

I wiped my cheeks with the back of my hand. "Oppa, I just wish you were here."

"I know. Me too."

"I'm sure the day would have gone differently if you were around. I've never felt so scared in my life."

"I'm sorry I couldn't be there."

I'd never really thought of myself as a weak person and in the grand scheme of things, all the crazy guy had done was spit on the ground and yell at us. But what if he'd been a different kind of crazy and attacked us physically? Would all the other riders on the bus have intervened then? Would Ryan have managed to protect us? I already knew that I would have been no match for him and that made me feel so helpless and useless. Min Ki had never been a fighter but he knew how to get tough when the need arose and I just knew I would have felt ten times safer with him at my side.

"I really wish you were here," I repeated. "I really miss you, Oppa."

***

Even though I'd picked up my tray, my feet didn't move. Figuring out where to sit for lunch was hardly rocket science but it was only two days after riding that fateful train and Ryan was sitting with Ali and some of their friends. Ryan, who almost never called me, did so the night before so I could already tell that things had already begun to change with us. I was trying my best to follow Min Ki's advice and just forget about the whole thing but how could I do that when Ryan was a constant reminder of that event? He phoned me and since I knew I didn't want to hear him ask me if I was feeling better, I'd let it go to voicemail and now, I knew I wasn't ready to face him at lunch. Maybe seeing me would make him tell the entire group about it and I wasn't in the mood to relive it.

"Get out of the way," a random guy behind me yelled before shoving me off his path. Half of my glass of juice spilled over my tray wetting the bun I'd placed on it and the rest fell on the floor.

I sighed. It was just what I needed. I dropped my tray on the condiments counter, grabbed some napkins and bent down and dabbed the spill.

"Need some help?" a deep voice asked. I didn't even have to look up to know it was Jonathan. Before I could tell him I was okay, he was already crouched down mopping up the rest of the liquid.

After we'd both thrown the dirty napkins away and I'd gotten a new tray, he said, "I guess it'll be a waste of time for me to ask you to sit with me."

I shook my head. "No, it won't," I said smiling. I never would have guessed that Jonathan would ever come in so handy.

He raised his brow. "You're not sitting with Ali and Ryan today?"

I shook my head again.

He looked at me with widened eyes then chuckled. "If I hadn't come over, where would you have sat?"

I pointed at the Prada Bitches.

He let out a loud laugh of disbelief. "Alright then," he said before leading me to a table where three other people were already sitting. He greeted them with a nod before sitting down and I sat across from him.

"Trouble in Paradise?" he asked as he sprinkled salt on his fries.

"Huh?"

"You and Cho. Fighting? Or is it you and Alison? Not that they are really two different people."

I squinted my eyes in curiosity. "What do you mean?" What was up with him and them?

He bit into a fry and shrugged. "What do you think I mean? Don't you see it?"

I poured some dressing over my salad and picked up my fork. "See what? They are just friends."

He grunted. "Give me a break."

I waited to hear something more but instead, he just bit into his burger and chewed. For an extremely hot guy, he unexpectedly chewed like a goat so I looked away from him and tried to erase the memory of ketchup dripping down the side of his mouth. After about five minutes of silence, something occurred to me. "How come I hardly ever see you with other guys?"

He looked taken aback by my question for a split second before his face reverted to his constant look of arrogance. "Why would I be with other guys?" he asked flirtatiously.

"I mean, guy friends. Shouldn't you be in a clique or something?"

He chuckled and shook his head. "I fly solo. Besides, you can't trust too many people these days."

***

"Su Jin?"

I shut my locker and turned around. Even though for over a week, I'd been successful at avoiding Ryan, I knew that sooner or later, I'd have to face him. I smiled, hoping that it looked natural. "Hi," I said, waving slightly.

He looked at me with unreadable eyes and asked me how I was doing.

I shrugged. "I'm fine." I pointed down the hallway. "I have class now."

He nodded. "Yeah. We have history. Let's go together."

We walked in silence for a few moments then he stopped and said, "I have your copy of last week's notes," he said, taking his bag off his shoulder and unzipping it.

I gestured for him to stop. "You know, I really don't think you should worry yourself about the notes. I keep making you do all that extra work and it's not fair to you. If you aren't there to help me, I'd have to force myself to learn to take my own notes, don't you think?"

He stared at me for a few moments, frowned then zipped up his bag. We walked in silence for a few more moments before he stopped at the entrance of our classroom. "You didn't come over on Saturday."

I nodded. "Yeah, sorry about that. The thing is I'm not sure I can do the movie anymore…." My voice trailed off as I tried to come up with a reasonable excuse but my mind had gone completely blank.

He glared at me, shook his head in disappointment then turned around to walk into the class. He'd only taken about two steps when he suddenly turned to face me. "Let's talk after school."

I started to shake my head when Ms. Saunders walked into class. "Go to your seats!"

After grabbing a seat and class had begun, I looked over at Ryan and as if he felt my eyes on him, he looked back at me. My heart skipped a beat as I quickly looked away and over at my teacher. I really wasn't made for all this tension. I took a deep breath in, opened my notebook and tried to come up with possible responses to any questions Ryan Cho might have for me.

Chapter 18

2010-12-14T20:32:00.000-08:00

I dragged my feet towards the exit sign and watched as all the other students walked through the doors. The impending confrontation with Ryan had been on my mind all afternoon and after careful thought, I decided not seeing him was my preferred choice.

I waited till the hallway was considerably empty before walking towards the door and tiptoeing to look through the glass, transparent top. All I saw were a bunch of students walking and chatting and even though I couldn't see Ryan, I knew that he just had to be there waiting for me.

I walked backwards till my back hit the wall. I glanced at my watch –it was only fifteen minutes since school had let out. Any normal person wouldn't allow himself to be kept waiting for longer than twenty minutes so I was banking on Ryan's sanity. I reached into my bag for my iPod so that I could listen to some music and make the wait less torturous. After a few minutes, I'd finally decided on a song and was putting in my second earphone when my phone rang.

I growled when I read the caller ID. "Oppa, are you here already? Can you wait for like five minutes?" I begged.

"Why don't I do you one better and wait for thirty minutes?"

For someone who didn't know what punctuality meant, he sure knew how to get an attitude when he was the one kept waiting. "Come on, please. Just five minutes."

He chuckled. "Well, it's your lucky day. I was calling to tell you that I'll be late so I'll be there in thirty minutes."

"Thirty minutes?" I repeated incredulously. "What if they lock the school gates? Do you just expect me to stand out in the cold waiting for you? How is this fair to me? It's bad enough that you're always late but you're pretty much telling me to wait an hour for you."

"Nice rant. See you in thirty minutes," he said before hanging up.

Irritated, I threw my phone in my bag and walked back to the door to see if the coast was clear. I couldn't be certain but I was almost sure I'd heard a rumor about the building doors being on automatic lock and I didn't want to end up being the guinea pig testing the theory.

The door suddenly pushed inwards and I jumped back to prevent myself from getting hit.

"Sorry," Nancy, a girl from one of my classes, said as she walked through the door. "I'm sorry about that. Did I hit you?"

I shook my head. I'd been a little rattled but it was no big deal. "I'm fine."

She looked at me curiously. "What are you doing here? I just came back in to grab something I forgot in my locker. Why are you still here?"

I shrugged. "No reason. I just... anyway, are there still many people out there?"

She pursed her lips. "Not that many. Actually, it's pretty empty out there," she said, still looking very curious. "Why are you asking? Are you hiding from someone?"

"Of course not," I scoffed like it was the most ridiculous thing in the world. With her eyes boring into me, I walked towards the door. "I'll see you tomorrow," I said as I reached for the door handle. I heard her fading footsteps as I slowly opened the door and peeked through. The grounds had already begun to look like a ghost town so I straightened my back and walked through the door confidently. Phew! But did that mean I'd have to hide out like that for the rest of my days at Brighton?

I was about to take the sixth step down the stairs when Ryan popped out of nowhere. "Su Jin."

Surprised, I spun away from him at the same moment Nancy ran through the double doors. "No longer hiding in there?" she joked as she skipped down the stairs and ran towards the parking lot.

I took a deep breath in and turned back to the frowning Ryan. "I wasn't hiding in there," I said pointing at the door with my thumb. "I don't know what she's talking about. I just had a few things to do."

He didn't move a facial muscle. "Are you done now?"

"Ehm… I guess?" I was obviously trapped so I decided to accept my fate. He wanted to talk to me? No big deal - I was all ears.

"Cool. So why don't we sit and talk?" he said, walking up to the step I was standing on and sitting next to the railing.

***

I crossed my legs and tried to keep the hems of my pant legs close to my ankles to keep the cold air out. My mother had gone a little overboard hemming my jeans and now there was some space between the top of my running shoes and the bottom of my pants.

Ryan readjusted his butt on the step, smacked his lips then turned to me. "Are we fighting?"

I sighed. I hadn't expected him to be so direct but I'd anticipated a variation of that question and thus, already had a response prepared. I put on my friendliest smile and said, "No."

"Then how come I barely saw you last week?"

I shrugged. "I'm sure we were both busy. You're asking me why you didn't see me like I had anything to do with it. Did you look for me and not find me or something?" I said, jovially. "I'm here, you're there—"

"What are you talking about?" he interrupted without a trace of humor in his voice.

"Nothing." So much for trying to make light of the whole thing.

"Did I do something to you? Did Ali do something?"

I shook my head. "Like what?"

"Are you dating Jonathan Mendez now?" he asked out of nowhere.

My jaw dropped and I glared at him, hoping it was some kind of a joke but he was very serious. Since it wasn't one of the questions I had anticipated, all I could do was close my mouth to keep the flies from entering it. "What do you mean?"

"It's a yes or no question," he said looking directly into my eyes.

I picked up my key chain and showed him my ring. "You know I have a boyfriend."

He didn't bother glancing at my hand and instead, kept staring at my face like he was gauging my reaction, trying to see past the layer of what he might have thought was a façade. "You ate lunch together," he reminded me.

"So?"

He shrugged. "You guys looked really chummy and Ali said there was something on the notice board about it."

I groaned. "Is that why she ignored me the other day?" I'd seen her in the hallway the day after I'd eaten with Jonathan and when I ran up to talk to her, she turned around and walked away.

He chuckled. "She's been coming up with all these theories. First she thought you wanted to get permission from her to date him then next, she thought you'd picked sides and were no longer talking to us."

I shook my head and laughed at the stupidity of it all. "Gosh. Sometimes I really get sick of Ali's overactive imagination."

He put his hand over mine and I looked up at him, completely aware of the feel of his skin.

"So you're not with Jonathan?"

I rolled my eyes. "Of course not."

"Su Jin," he said softly, "if it's not about Jonathan then what is it?"

I pushed his hand of mine and looked away.

***

We sat in silence for a few moments before he said, "Initially, I thought it had something to do with what happened on the train but that's just ridiculous. There's no way you could blame me for what that man did. Or do you?"

I picked up my bag and slung it over my shoulder. "Hey, my brother might be here – let me go and look for him," I said, standing up.

Ryan quickly grabbed my hand to keep me from taking a step.

I looked down at him. "What?"

"If your brother comes, we'll see him from here or he'll call you."

I shrugged. "No. He wouldn't want to waste his daytime minutes," I said, knowing it was one hell of a dumb excuse.

Still holding onto my wrist he said, "Su Jin, why are you running away?"

I shook my head. "What's there to run from? I'm just—"

"Just sit."

"Ryan, I have to go," I said, pulling his fingers off my wrist."

"Your brother isn't here. Let's talk."

"I have to—"

"Please."

Something about the tone of his voice caused me to resign. I sat down dramatically and folded my arms. "What?"

"So it's about what happened on the train?"

I dropped my head and looked at my lap. "I don't know."

"It's not my fault that that guy attacked us."

"I know."

"So what is it then?"

I began to clean the dirt from under my fingernails. How do you tell a guy that you don't feel safe around him? And that you can't trust him to protect you especially when he had no obligation to do so and you didn't want to sound like a weak, pathetic excuse for a woman? "I told you that it's nothing."

"Su Jin," he pressed.

"It's nothing."

"Su Jin."

Why couldn't he just let it go? "Look, I already said it's nothing. What do you want me to say? I don't know, the whole thing was weird, okay? I'm not blaming you or anything. I'm just glad that those two guys came when they did. If they hadn't come, who knows what would have happened?"

He nodded knowingly. "Oh, I see."

"What? What do you see?" What kind of reaction was that?

"You think I'm a coward."

I instantly felt bad. "No, that's not it."

"I've relived that day a thousand times," he said, ignoring my response, "and every time I do, I wonder if I could have done it differently. Plus it doesn't help that I keep coming up with all these witty comebacks that I could have used to make that man feel really small." He looked skyward. "There are so many things I could have said to him but… but there are some times that I feel that I did the right thing."

"But you just sat there – you really didn't do anything."

His face colored. "I told him to leave us alone. What more did you want me to do? Punch him?"

Violence wasn't the cure to all ills, but would it have hurt to send the bastard home with a black eye?

"Punching him would have been stupid. If I had punched him, he'd have punched back. And even if I did manage to kick his ass, we'd both have been arrested once the train stopped and the day would have turned out much worse."

Since when did inaction become an action? "But you would have been right to punch him – you were defending yourself."

He shook his head. "No. If I punched him first, the police would say that I assaulted him and he'd have been the victim defending himself. I'd be the one being charged with a crime and it would have been much uglier than either of us would have wanted."

"That's bulls.hit. Punching him is defending yourself from his attack."

"Or it could have been worse. What if I hit him and he had a knife in his pocket and stabbed me? Then I'd have ended up in the hospital just because some assh.ole decided to tell me to go back to my country. Does ending up in a hospital mean that I'm brave?"

I shook my head. He was making sense but it still didn't sit well with me. "But it's because no one reacts that things don't change. If you just let them insult you, they'll keep doing it because they know you'll never do anything to defend yourself."

He shrugged. "The world isn't perfect. I understand what you're saying but at that moment, when he was there, all I could think about was protecting us. I wasn't trying to make a statement about civil rights and trying to make the world just – all I wanted was for us to get through it safely. I'm sorry that it makes you think I'm a coward but that was the best thing I could do at that moment."

Why did he have to sound so hurt? "Ryan, I don't think you're a coward."

***

We sat at the steps for a while longer and I listened as he shared anecdotes of how he and his family had lived in Dubai and that is was supposedly quite racist but since he was young and his family lived in a somewhat expatriate community, he hadn't really had any first hand experiences with it.

Then he talked about Houston and how it was different because there was more assimilation with Americans and how it was a city in its own right but not as flashy as Dubai and he spoke about his experiences there and what it was like being a foreigner yet again.

His basic point was that racism existed in the world, whether I liked it or not and he was sure that non-Koreans probably had some unpleasant experiences back home and while it was deplorable, it wasn't something I should dwell on on a daily basis.

I wasn't sure that I agreed with it or not but I was sure that I didn't want to go through life feeling that it was okay for some people to attack me and all I had to do was just brush it off and ignore them. But it was okay. I understood his point of view and I was glad to hear his thoughts on it. Plus for some reason, it made me feel like I knew him better.

"Do you want me to wait with you till your brother gets here?" he asked, standing up.

I did the same and we walked towards the parking lot.

The school had emptied out and I could only see one other person on campus but hey, I was a big girl and didn't need a bodyguard. "I'm fine."

He looked around and shook his head. "I don't think so. I'll stay."

"No. I'm sure my brother will be here any minute so you can leave," I said, pushing him towards his car.

He laughed as he let me push him. "Okay, if you insist. But I guess I can tell Ali that you didn't pick Jonathan over us."

'Us' huh? "The Ali and Ryan team?"

He raised his brow. "The what?"

I took my hands off his back and shrugged. "Nothing. But maybe I should find some new friends so I don't feel like an outsider," I half-joked.

"What's that supposed to mean?" he asked seriously.

"Hey, chill," I said, smiling at him but he didn't smile back.

We walked in silence till we arrived at his car. He unlocked the door then spun around to look at me.

"I guess this means we're cool, right?" he asked hopefully.

I laughed. "We've always been cool."

"I mean, for real. No more ignoring me in school and you're still doing the movie…?"

I nodded. "Yeah."

"Cool," he said with satisfaction. "And we're cool?"

I laughed again. "Yes, we're cool. You don't have to keep asking."

We shared some awkward laughter as he opened his car door. "Why do I feel like we should hug or something?"

I giggled. "I don't know." We weren't back to normal but I could bet that we would eventually.

He walked over to me and stretched his arms out. "Okay, come on, let's hug it out," he said with a flair.

"Are you serious?" I asked, laughing at the goofy expression on his face.

He moved closer and placed his hands on my shoulders. "Now, we're really cool," he said as he pulled me into a bear hug.

He was slightly taller than Min Ki and his body felt different. I laughed some more then pushed him off me. "Happy now?"

"Yeah," he said before getting into his car and turning the engine on. He drove for about ten seconds before stopping.

"What?"

"You know what? I'll just wait here till your brother arrives."

Chapter 19

2010-12-13T22:15:00.000-08:00

"Wake up!" My mother's voice awoke me from my deep sleep. I'd spent the night texting with Min Ki and I was so glad I'd begged my father to let me get the plan with unlimited texting otherwise, I'd have had a lot of explaining to do.

We'd begun to text a lot because it made it easier for us to communicate in real time because regardless of where he was; be it class, work or at home, he could stay it touch.

In my opinion, our relationship was still solid even though it was completely different. Being in a long distance relationship took far more effort than I'd ever realized. Back when we were together, it was more natural. It was pretty much just about us being together and neither of us trying to really prove anything to the other. I liked him, he liked me and we liked being together. And that was it.

But now, it was more like I actually had to put some effort into maintaining the relationship. Even though we were apart, we still wanted to feel like we were together so I tried to tell him everything that was going on in my life and he did the same. It was kind of annoying, hearing him ask questions that would otherwise have been obvious if he lived around me or trying my best to remember everything so that I could share it with him. But it was important because that was all we really had. I couldn't touch or feel him and we didn't have any visits to look forward to. All we had were ourselves and our words so we were clinging to them. The main downside was it meant that I had to be more careful with what I said especially on IM or via email just to make sure he didn't misunderstand me. He couldn't see my face to tell that I was only joking or be in my space to really understand my mood. And even when we video conferenced, the problem still existed. I really missed who we were together and thinking that we had to endure this for a few years didn't help matters.

From all the historical movies, one would have thought that writing letters would have been very romantic but maybe the use to technology had de-romanticized it a little. I didn't write by hand so I couldn't spray perfume on the paper and write SWALK on the envelope flap to show that I was sealing it with a loving kiss.

And I didn't experience the excitement of checking my mailbox hoping to receive a letter from him because we only wrote via email. I tried not to dwell on the difficulties because at the end of the day, I still had him.

"Are you up yet?" my mother asked, hitting my bedroom door. I groaned and just as I was about to open my eyes, I felt a weird pain in my eye lids and when I tried to moved them, they felt gummy. I eventually opened my eyes then tried to blink rapidly because in addition to the pain, I could also feel grains of Gods-knows-what in them. I jumped out of my bed and ran to the bathroom to get a closer look.

I looked at my reflection and other than the dry crust at the side of my eyes, they were swollen and red. What was going on? How in the world did a person go to bed normal only to wake up looking like an amateur boxer?

***

My mother gently touched the swollen bags under my eyes with a gloved hand. If I wasn't in pain, I would have been a bit annoyed that instead of her panicking like any normal mother would, she seemed excited to be practicing a bit of medicine.

She's brought out all her instruments – stethoscope, the blood pressure thing (otherwise known as a sphygmomanometer), thermometer and pretty much every single thing I didn't even know she'd brought with her. The only thing missing was the doctor's coat and I was glad that she'd managed to keep herself from putting it on.

She dropped her hand and sighed heavily. "What have you been doing with yourself?"

"Meaning?" I asked as I scratched my eye.

"Aren't you a little too old to get conjunctivitis? Have you been playing with dust or mold?"

I shook my head. Ryan's basement wasn't as ventilated as it could be but it wasn't particularly dusty or moldy.

"Well," she said, "I don't think you have to go to the doctor. I'll go and pick some things from the pharmacy but if you don't feel better in a few days, I'll take you so we can get something stronger."

***

I sat across from my mother as we ate breakfast. I watched her read the paper and as she sat there, I only just realized that she looked a bit different from how she did when we'd first arrived in America. Her hair had grown about two inches and she'd gained a few pounds. And even her personality had changed a bit – she was a lot quieter and more pensive than she used to be. The change had begun while we were still in Seoul but was now more pronounced. I felt a pang in my chest and realized that even though we were sitting a few inches from each other, I missed her.

With that feeling, I adjusted my sunglasses before reaching out for the carton of orange juice.

"Wait!" she yelled to stop me. "Did you just touch your eye?"

I groaned. "No. I touched the glasses." The glasses she'd forced me to wear. The glasses that were supposed to protect the rest of my family from my germs.

"But they are on eyes and your eyes are infected. Hold out your glass so I can pour it for you," she said as she took possession of the carton. "You know that you should be careful with what you touch."

As the only mother I had, I couldn't help but love her… but boy was she getting on my last nerves! I knew that Pink Eye, as it was called in The States, was contagious but she was acting like I was some kind of leper. My eyes were itchy and no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't help but touch them so she didn't let me touch anything else. I thought she was going to force me to only use a certain set of silverware and confine me to my room but luckily, she hadn't.

The only good thing that came from my illness was seeing how my mother lived on a daily basis. Leaving Seoul meant that she also had to leave her friends, so unlike other housewives, after doing all the chores, she really didn't have any friends to call or visit. And since my brother and I were older and fending for ourselves in some capacity, it meant that she led a pretty lonely life. Making friends was hard enough attending a school with hundred of kids so I couldn't even begin to imagine how hard it was for her.

So after watching The View and going online to read all her emails and do some work, she really didn't have anything else to do.

"Umma," I said, lifting my head up to look at her. I'd gotten pretty used to the shades and my eyes had adjusted quite well to the dimness. "I think it's a good idea for you to get your license."

She looked at me with unsure eyes as if she didn't know if she could believe me. "Do you really think so?"

I nodded. After spending all those years in medical school and raising us while working, she really did deserve to live her life as she wished.

"And what your father said—"

"Forget about him," I said, waving dismissively. "Do what you want. I am sure Dong Won oppa also supports you."

"That's not what I mean. What he said about me depriving him of your love…"

What? I had to cover my mouth to keep my cereal in. I hit my chest to keep from choking. Depriving who of what?

"… part of it was my fault. I should have done things differently."

I shook my head. "Umma, you did the best you could. Would Oppa even know how to boil water if you hadn't made us make dinner? Would I even know how to iron if you hadn't made us? What about mowing the lawn?" I sprouted off things that she'd made us do because there was only one adult at home. "And if you hadn't made us learn English all those years, it would have been so much more difficult to move here."

As she listened, I noticed that her lips moved into a small smile.

I couldn't tell if anything I'd said had really stuck with her but I was glad to improve her mood even if it was only temporarily.

She was about to put her hand on mine then hesitated as if she'd suddenly remembered that I was a huge mass of bacteria. Then she smiled and put it anyway. "So you don't blame me for how your father acts these days?"

I shook my head. "No."

"He wasn't always like this, you know."

"I don't know. But I don't blame you."

"And if you did, would you admit to it?" she asked, raising her right eyebrow skeptically.

I laughed as I scooped some milk from my bowl. I shook my head. "I wouldn't but I really don't blame you. I love you."

She smiled then kissed my conjunctivitis-ed face. I dropped my spoon then wrapped my arms around her neck and hugged her tightly. Umma, I miss you.

***

"Yo Ryan, go downstairs and get us something to drink," Ali ordered the moment she stepped into my bedroom.

"Do I look like your slave?" he asked, walking in after her.

She dumped her bag on my bed then turned around dramatically. "Don't be an ass – just go so that we can have some girl talk."

"Meaning gossip?" he asked, throwing his bag next to the computer chair I was sitting on. "Want to tell her about the hot, new guy you met at the mall or something as equally retarded?"

"Hello," I said, waving at them. "Remember me?" I pointed to myself. It was their first visit to my house and I wished it had been on better circumstances. After introducing themselves to my mother, they'd come to my room. "I'm the girl you came to see. You know, the sick girl."

"Your room looks exactly as I imagined," she said before sitting on my bed. Then she eyed me up and down. "You look pretty healthy to me. Faking an illness to skip school is so third grade." She looked at her chipped nail polish on her fingernails. "Gosh, I need a manicure. And," she said, pointing at my sunglasses, "why are you wearing shades in the house? Who do you think you are? J.Lo?"

I hissed then turned to Ryan who was standing next to me. "Hey, you can sit over there," I said, pointing at the bed.

He glanced at it then back to me. "In a sec. I might as well get something for you to drink. What should I get and will your Mom be fine with it?"

After sorting out our drink orders, he walked out of the room. Ali got off the bed and shut the door. Then she walked over to me and whispered. "Okay, spill."

Huh? I looked up at her. "What are you talking about?"

"You and Ryan," she said, rubbing her hands together gleefully. "You guys made out on campus," she said jumping up and down excitedly.

I made circles with my forefinger to gesture that she was crazy. "Have you lost your mind?"

"Come on, you can tell me," she whispered conspiratorily.

"What are you talking about?"

She looked at me unsurely then reached into her pocket and pulled out a crumbled up sheet of paper. Then she did her best to straighten it out before handing it out to me.

I took it from her and read it:

It's déjà vu time, y'all. I bet poor, little Jonathan can't believe it's happening again. He goes after the new girl and who does she end up with? You guessed it, people: Ryan Cho! The rumor is that after school hours, instead of going home like the rest of us do, they stay behind to make out. Isn't that romantic? Good luck to Suyan.

My eyes widened in horror. "What the hell?" I shrieked, re-reading the note. When I was done, I threw it on the bed.

"You tell me. I managed to rip that off before most of the school got the chance to see it but what's up with that?"

I shook my head in confusion. "I honestly don't know what's going on." I hissed when I realized what the blind gossip had seen and explained the hug to her. "I bet it was that stupid Nancy who wrote this. Argh!" I said, punching my palm. I hit myself a bit too hard so I tried to shake the pain away.

I shook my head in disgust. "Some people at that school are retarded." Then something came to mind. "But who did Ryan steal from Jonathan?"

She shook her head dismissively. "It's just a b.s. rumor. As you said, stupid school," she said before ripping the sheet of paper in two.

Shortly after, Ryan brought the drinks in and since my mind was still preoccupied with the stupid rumor, I barely spoke.

"You're just a barrel of laughs," he commented after a few minutes of silence. He'd brought some notes for me and was arranging them on the bed.

I shrugged and looked at his face and inevitably, my eyes settled on his lips. Me kissing him? Eww. If I were the least bit attracted to him, I might have noticed how full his lower lip looked when he scowled but it was just plain ridiculous. Me kissing Ryan? And now I had to go back to school knowing some people really thought it happened.

"You really don't look sick," he said, getting off the bed and walking up to me. I stopped him as he reached for my glasses.

"Don't touch." I pushed his hand away. "And you'd better go and wash your hands now that I've touched you. You don't want to get this crap. Trust me, it sucks."

He ignored me and took my glasses off anyway.

"Ryan, are you stupid? Do you want Pink Eye too?" Ali asked from behind him.

He frowned. "Don't worry about me." He moved closer and studied my face. "You don't look so bad. Your eyes look pretty clear. Are you sure you're still sick?" he asked with a smirk.

I shut my eyes and looked away. "I almost better but I'm still contagious."

"Don't worry, I'm Super Ryan," he joked lamely. "My antibodies are supersonic and stupendous. Alien, even." He laughed as he put my glasses back on my face and as he did, his finger brushed by my cheek and seemed to linger on for a few seconds longer than they should have.

***

I dropped my tray and sat next to Ali. I'd only been away for a week but I was really glad to be back at school. You never really appreciated what you had till it was gone. "Where's your friend, Ryan? I haven't seen him today."

"Oh, he's home sick."

My brows knitted. "What's wrong with him?"

"Pink Eye," she deadpanned. I waited for her expression to change but it didn't. He really did have Pink Eye.

I burst out laughing then grabbed my phone to text him. What happened to being super?

Chapter 20

2010-12-12T22:50:00.000-08:00

You have Pink Eye? I texted.

"So have you started shopping for our winter trip?" Ali asked. We were sitting with Convent Lisa and some of her other friends.

I shrugged and reached for my Coke. "I'm not even sure I can go."

"Well, you'd better make up your mind soon because you need to get your money to the treasurer by next week. In fact," she said, taking a fry off my plate, "you're going."

I shrugged again. Even though I'd told her that I was considering it, I knew my father wouldn't let me go away for a week without my family so I'd planned on just pretending to be indecisive till it was too late. She was about to say something else when my phone beeped.

Yes, I have Pink Eye, Ryan text back.

I hissed and texted, Didn't I tell you to not touch my eyes? I thought you were Super Ryan!

"Have you ever been to Los Angeles?" Lisa asked.

I shook my head as I tore open the ketchup packet with my teeth.

"Then you should be excited. By that time, it'll be even colder over here so we'll get to enjoy the sun. Plus the shopping," she said, counting them off her fingers, "the crazy food. Hollywood, Beverly Hills, the beach, celebrities and the hot, hot actors," she concluded dreamily. She nodded. "Yeah, definitely the hot actors."

"Actors or just guys who wish they were actors?" I said, trying to sound as nonchalant as possible but it didn't help that it sounded like the trip was going to be a lot of fun.

"True. There'll be a lot of non-working actors," Ali said, making quotation marks with her fingers, "and porn stars too."

The other girls at the table scrunched their noses and let out a chorus of, "Eww."

"But I could get discovered and become the next Angelina Jolie," Ali finished.

"In your dreams," a redhead said. "You can't act your way out of a paper bag."

"But I've got these," she countered, grabbing her breasts.

I rolled my eyes and chuckled as my cell phone beeped. I flipped it open to read the text from Ryan.

"Even superheroes have their days off. Have you started working on the song?"

I groaned. Not that stupid song again. I was about but hit 'Reply' when Ali peered over my shoulder.

"Ha!" she said, slapping my arm. "I knew it was true. You guys made out after school. You and Ryan are totally together."

I looked at her like she was crazy. "What are you talking about? I thought I'd explained it already."

"I told you guys," she said ignoring me and laughing to her friends. "I told you they'd hook up." She stuck her tongue out. "Lisa, hand over my five bucks." She stretched out her right palm and pointed to it with her left forefinger.

I slapped it down and held out my keychain. "What's wrong with you? I have a boyfriend, remember?"

She made a face. "Then why isn't he the one you're sending love notes to?"

I held out my phone for her to read. "Does that look like a love note? We're talking about the movie."

"Whatever."

"You do seem to be protesting a lot," the annoying redhead said. "Everyone can see that you guys look so good together. Suyan for life!" she teased.

Not that Suyan sh.it again. Suyan? NO! I stood up. "I hope you're happy for killing my appetite," I said as I stormed off without my tray.

***

Since I had some lunchtime to kill, I decided to check my email. As I was walking to the computer room, I ran into the Ambassador's daughter. Even though she was supposedly looking out of me at school, we barely spoke and weirdly enough, after the initial excitement, her friends seemed to forget about my brother, which was fine by me.

"Hey, Su Jin," she called as I was about to walk past her.

Shocked that she hadn't ignored me like she normally did, I stopped abruptly.

"Are you coming over to my place for Thanksgiving?"

I still couldn't get why I was supposed to care about this particular holiday since it had almost nothing to do with my life but since everyone was making such a huge fuss about, I was quite sure that it was overrated. I shrugged. "Probably." I could definitely spend another evening listening to their exciting tales about searching for the ever elusive director.

"Really?" she asked in unhidden disappointment.

I rolled my eyes and shook my head. "Trust me, I'd get out of it if I could."

She shrugged. "It's no big deal. My mother thinks we are friends so I guess you can just come and hang out in my room after dinner or something." She suddenly brightened up. "Is your brother going to be there?"

How predictable. "Yes."

"Does he have a girlfriend yet?" she asked hopefully.

"He has three."

The sarcasm appeared to go over her head because she perked up even more and said, "Good! That means it's nothing serious. See you next Thursday!"

***

When I finally got to the computer room, I logged on and checked my email. Other than the usual junk mail and some replies from my friends back home, I had an email from Min Ki and Ryan. Smiling, I clicked on Min Ki's.

Date: 16 Nov 06:47:12
From: "Ha Min Ki"
Subject: Miss You
To: "Oh Su Jin"

Sweetie,

I just woke up from a weird dream so the first thing I'm doing this morning is sharing it with you. I can't really explain it but the dream started off with me driving on a long, deserted road. Then suddenly, I was on a plane. I didn't even know where I was going but it looked like I was in First Class because the air hostess kept stopping by to ask me how I was doing. And she kept calling me Mr. Ha. I think I was rich in my dream. biggrin.gif Then before I knew it, I was on a boat sailing. I was scared for a second till I remembered that I knew how to sail (remember, it's a dream). Then suddenly, the waters became stormy and when I swerved to miss a wave, I turned around and saw you sitting down, looking calm and collected. You smiled at me and held out your drink. It was one of those fancy ones with an umbrella in it. Suddenly, the water settled down and a soft breeze began to blow. Then you walked over and kissed me.

Su Jin, I really wish I could kiss you now.

Love,

Oppa.

I laughed. Did he make that up? I wasn't quite sure what to make of it except to know that it made me feel good. He wanted to kiss me? I touched my lip and tried to remember what it felt like the time he'd kissed me. I longed to experience the tingly sensation of a really passionate kiss and it sucked that I'd have to wait till I was at least twenty to share it with him.

I clicked on Ryan's email and read it.

Date: 16 Nov 12:24:57
From: "Ryan Cho"
Subject: Your song
To: "Oh Su Jin"

We need to start working on the song. Send me the lyrics.

I frowned. What kind of dumbass was he? No 'hello' or 'how are you doing' or at least some kind of salutation? I clicked on the reply button and typed out a response.

Date: 16 Nov 12:33:18
From: "Oh Su Jin"
Subject: Re: Your song
To: "Ryan Cho"

Is this what you call an email? How about being a bit polite next time? Next time, start off with, "Hi, Su Jin" and end it with, "Sincerely, Ryan."

About a minute later, after reading Na Young's email, I hit the refresh button and saw Ryan's reply.

Date: 16 Nov 12:34:45
From: "Ryan Cho"
Subject: Re: Re: Your song
To: "Oh Su Jin"

Hi Su Jin,

We need to start working on the song. Send me the lyrics.

Sincerely,

Ryan.

After cross-checking that he'd simply cut and paste his previous email, I hit the reply button.

Date: 16 Nov 12:35:51
From: "Oh Su Jin"
Subject: It's not my song
To: "Ryan Cho"

I bet you think you're funny or something. What makes you think I can write lyrics? I have no talent for this and I am sure they will sound stupid. Just come up with lyrics yourself and I'll sing them. Bye.

About a minute later, I got a reply from him.

Date: 16 Nov 12:37:33
From: "Ryan Cho"
Subject: Yes, it's your song
To: "Oh Su Jin"

Hi Su Jin,

Since I'm stuck at home, I want to start working on the music so it'll be nice to get some lyrics. Do you have a song theme? Since you're online, come on MSN so that we can talk properly.

Sincerely,

Ryan.

MSN? I was feeling uninspired and not in the mood to give myself a headache all in the name of coming up with lyrics to a song that nobody would listen to. I had a sneaking suspicion that our movie was complete crap and felt recording a song would be completely fruitless.

Date: 16 Nov 12:39:20
From: "Oh Su Jin"
Subject: No, it's not
To: "Ryan Cho"

I'm really busy now. I can't come on MSN. Just write the song yourself.

---

Date: 16 Nov 12:41:05
From: "Ryan Cho"
Subject: MSN!!!!!!
To: "Oh Su Jin"

Hi Su Jin,

Get on MSN

Sincerely,

Ryan.

Since I was definitely not getting on MSN and tired of the conversation, I decided to read the rest of my emails. About five minutes later, my phone rang. I didn't even have to look at the caller ID to know it was Ryan and after confirming it, I turned my phone off. A minute later, I received another email from him.

Date: 16 Nov 12:49:27
From: "Ryan Cho"
Subject: Please get on MSN
To: "Oh Su Jin"

Hi Su Jin,

Do yourself a favor and get on MSN. Otherwise, I'm going to come over to your house and re-infect you with Pink Eye and any other diseases, viruses, bacteria etc etc I can get hold off. LOG ON NOW!

Sincerely,

Ryan.

***

We were about halfway through dinner when my father cleared his throat. He took a sip of his drink then coughed. "Kids," he said, looking sadly at my brother and me. "It's a shame I won't be able to spend your first Thanksgiving with you. I've unexpectedly been sent on a business trip and will be gone for about two weeks…"

I bit my lip to keep myself from yelling out from joy. Two whole weeks without my father? If it would have made any sense at all, I'd have died of joy.

"… and I'll be at the London embassy." He went on to give us details about what he was doing and as he was speaking, my cell phone rang. I'd forgotten to take it out of my pocket before coming downstairs for dinner. I ignored the daggers shooting for my father's eyes and excused myself from the table.

"Ryan, what do you want?" I barked into the receiver.

"Is that how you answer the phone? And there you were, lecturing me on email etiquette."

"What do you want?" I repeated.

"The song. We need to work on the song."

I groaned. "I'm having dinner. I'll see you at school."

"How funny. You know I won't be able to come to school for like two more days."

Poor guy. "And how's that my problem?"

"I would think that someone who spread her bacteria to an innocent party would be a lot more sympathetic."

"Whatever. Are you feeling better now?"

"Yeah."

"Good. I have to go back to the dinning room," I said, glancing at it.

"Send me the lyrics tonight, Su Jin ah."

My heart stopped for a brief second because it was completely weird hearing him refer to me that way. And it was even weirder hearing it in an American accent.

"Are you still there?"

I swallowed some spit. "Yeah."

"Will you send the lyrics tonight?"

"Sure."

"Are you just saying that to get rid of me?"

I scoffed. "If I want to get rid of you, all I have to do is hang up," I said right before I did just that. Then I put my phone on vibrate.

The second I got back to the table, my father tore into me for rudely leaving them to take a call. Boy, I sure couldn't wait for those two weeks!

***

"I'm drawing a blank here," I said, looking up from the writing pad. It was Saturday so I was spending the afternoon at Ryan's working on our movie. I hadn't expected to do any filming but when I showed up, he wanted us to do a few re-shoots which made little sense because I wasn't wearing the same shirt as I had in those scenes. It was further evidence that our movie was going to suck and less incentive for me to care about the song. "I still don't get why I have to come up with any words at all. Just write them and I'll sing them. I'm sure they'd be great."

He tore his eyes off the keyboard and gave me a look. "If you write lyrics that hold a special meaning for you, you'll sing more passionately."

I thought for a minute. Lyrics that held a special meaning? "How about this: On the first day my daddy's gone I will go to the mall," I sang to the melody of Twelve Days of Christmas.

He shook his head then got off the chair then sat next to me. "Can't you think of something that matters to you? It can be anything – we'll make it work."

"Didn't you hear what I just sang?" I'd expected at least a chuckle.

He sighed. "I am being serious there. The deadline is fast approaching so we need to try to finish the song today. Do you want me to play the melody I came up with again? You can use that or we can come up with something else."

For the next few minutes, I tried to work on it but I was drawing a blank. Ryan was back at the keyboard tinkling with the keys.

"I am sure you can come up with something related to your boyfriend. What's his name again? Something-ki?"

"Min Ki," I enunciated.

"Yeah, him. Say something about him. How you feel about him," he said as he pretended to barf. "How it feels when you're together."

I turned away and tried to think.

"You've been together, right?"

"He's my boyfriend. Of course we've been together or you think it's always been long distance?"

He hissed. "I don't mean together like that. You know…."

"I know what?"

"Sex. You guys have had sex, right?"

I looked at him in horror. "What?"

He burst out laughing and as he bellowed like I'd just cracked the funniest joke he'd ever heard, he walked over and sat across from me. "I should have known that you've never had sex. It wouldn't have made sense otherwise."

I frowned. Why was he making sound like it wasn't perfectly normal for a 16 year old girl to be a virgin? "We've kissed and done some stuff but not sex. I'm not a loose girl." Okay, so 'other stuff' meant 'holding hands' but I'd never felt like our relationship had lacked in any respect.

He stopped laughing but kept the silly grin on his face. "I never thought you were. But I am sure you can come up with some lyrics about him. Let's work on this together. What do you miss about him? What do you like about him? Let's just start from the beginning; how did you meet?"

After I told him all about my relationship with Min Ki oppa, he stretched his face animatedly. "Nice story and all but I need some drama. Okay, tell me about your first heartbreak."

I shook my head and told him I'd never really experienced any. At least, nothing significant.

Once again, he began to laugh like I was some kind of comedian but when he saw I wasn't amused, he stopped and apologized.

"Since you're so experienced, why don't you tell me about your first heartbreak? Maybe we can come up with a song about it."

"I already told you about it… about the girl who left town before I could play the piano for her. Trust me, it really hurt when she left," he said dramatically.

I was about to say something sarcastic when I realized that I had the perfect opening to ask him about something else. "What about you and Ali?"

He suddenly looked directly into my eyes and got more serious. "Me and Ali? There's nothing."

"Yeah, maybe not now. But before. There must have been something, right?"

"Must? Why must there have been something?"

Since his tone had changed, I suddenly felt nervous. I looked away to avoid his eyes. "You know, she's pretty and funny and you guys spend a lot of time together. You guys obviously like each other and all that. Are you saying that you've never liked her liked her?" I licked my lips as I waited for his response. Even though it was none of my business, I really wanted to hear his answer. No, scratch that. I needed to hear it.

He put his legs up on the coffee table and shook his head. "This world is full of small minded people. So a guy and a girl can't be friends? Ali and I are just friends. That's all we ever were and all we'll ever be. There has never been anything between us but friendship," he said, emphasizing the last word.

"Really?" There was something about Ali that attracted a lot of guys to her. Why was Ryan supposedly immune to it?

"Really," he said definitely.

"For real?"

He laughed in disbelief. "For real. Why won't you believe me?"

"I don't know… it's just that it's hard to believe you've never had a thing for her even for like a minute. And then what Jonathan said—"

"Forget him," he said dismissively. "He's just a big baby. When things don't go his way, he looks for other people to blame."

"And what thing didn't go his way?"

He stared at me for a few seconds then told me to ask Ali about it since it really wasn't about him.

Since it was obvious he wasn't going to spill, I let it go. "Alright. But back to Ali. You're telling me you've never had a thing for her? Maybe you're just good at hiding it…."

He laughed and shook his head. "Why would I lie to you? What's my motivation? What do I gain from it? What's my motive?"

Hearing the last word triggered a memory and thinking back to it, I laughed at how ridiculous it really was. He looked at me curiously and said that he wished to share in the joke.

When I was done giggling, I said, "It's just something that Min Ki oppa said. He said that you must have had an ulterior motive for giving me your notes and becoming my friend. He thought that you liked me or something. How ridiculous is that?" I laughed and waited for him to crack a smile but his cheeks didn't move.

"Why is it ridiculous?" he asked far too seriously.

I felt the blood drain from my face as I stared at him in shock. What did he just say? "Because we're just friends."

"But what you said about Ali can also apply to you. You're not exactly ugly and we hang out together and we like each other to some degree. So maybe I have a thing for you and I'm just good at hiding it," he said without blinking.

"But I have a boyfriend."

He smiled knowingly. "Exactly. So that's why it's ridiculous. It'll be absolutely ridiculous for me to like a girl who's so proud of her relationship that she carries her ring everywhere with her. That won't make any sense at all."

In a matter of seconds, the room had filled with tension and the more I stared at him, the worse the silence got. He couldn't be serious, could he? He didn't have a thing for me. He was just joking and trying to use my words against me to prove his friendship with Ali was platonic. Yes, that was what it was. I let out a nervous laugh and said, "You're just kidding, right?"

He pursed his lips and watched what must have been my fear-stricken face then finally smiled. "What do you think? That'll make the most sense, wouldn't it? Now that we've gotten that settled, let's get back to the song. What should it be about?"

I picked up my pen and bent down to pick up the writing pad that had somehow found its way to the floor. With the pad in hand, I slowly lifted my head and looked at him. I had nothing to worry about, right? He was joking and it was supposedly settled and all that. But why was my heart still beating out of control?

Chapter 21

2010-12-09T12:07:00.000-08:00

"Mademoiselle Oh. Mademoiselle Su Jin Oh," Ryan said, snapping his fingers in front of my eyes.

Suddenly jolted out of my daydream, I blinked a few times and looked at him. "What?"

"You drifted off for a bit. Are you okay?" he asked, smiling inquisitively.

I looked away. In the few minutes since he'd cracked his little joke about liking me, my heart had settled a bit but the atmosphere between us had made what I was almost certain was a permanent shift. Ryan wasn't my only platonic male friend, after all, back in Seoul, I had Il Woo but it was different. No two friendships were exactly the same but there was something additional in our relationship that Il Woo and I hadn't shared. But I still didn't quite know what it was so I couldn't isolate or pinpoint it. Maybe it came from spending far too much time with him and not having Min Ki around as a buffer. Maybe it was because even though it was platonic, I interacted with him as if it were more. Maybe I'd become far too comfortable with him and the line had begun to blur even though there could be nothing more between us. Or maybe I was simply a raging lunatic and spending far too much time making something out of nothing. It was a joke. It was a joke! IT WAS A JOKE!

"Are you drifting off again?"

I snapped out of it and looked up at him. "Just go back to your seat. I'm fine," I said, smiling broadly in the hopes that he had absolutely no clue about what was going on in my head.

"Good." He walked over to sit in front of his keyboard. "We have a lot of work to do. The song…"

"What is it about again?"

He groaned. He looked like he was about to say something sarcastic then changed his mind. "Remember that the movie is about a girl who comes from Korea and is excited about America, thinking it's the solution to all her problems. She's happy till something happens and makes her realize that it was all smoke and mirrors and that her heart really lies in Korea. Or something like that."

I tried to remember all the scenes we'd shot and the underlying theme of our movie then put pen to paper. About ten minutes later, I'd written something down even though I suspected that it was rubbish.

"Ryan, I have some lyrics. Play the melody you composed."

He nodded, hit the record button on his camera then gently hit the keys.

"I thought that life would be," I began to sing till I saw Ryan wince.

Okay, was it really that bad? I cleared my throat.

"I thought that—" I stopped when I saw Ryan's raised hand. "What?"

"Try it at a lower key. One more time."

"Okay, I won't sing this time. Just play the music so I can get a feel for it." As he began to play, I shut my eyes and took a deep breath, hoping to inhale the music so that it would fill my lungs and become a part of me. It was hogwash but it felt nice to pretend to be some kind of music maestro.

I opened my eyes and read the lyrics I'd written. "I think the first verse doesn't flow too well. I'll just skip to the chorus and start from here."

"Whatever you think is best."

I crossed out those lines and began to sing.

"You and me

Were never meant to be

Can't you see?

You're not the one for me

You and me

We were never meant to be

You are not my reality

It used to feel so so good

Spending time with you

I wanted you so so bad

And I know you wanted me too

But now it's clear as day

I was only holding on to a fantasy

I wish there was another way

But

You and me

Were never meant to be

Can't you see?

You're not the one for me

You and me

We were never meant to be

You are not my reality

I don't mean to hurt you

And in some ways I love you

But it's not the same, it just doesn't feel right

You're not the man I thought I knew

It's not the love I thought we shared

So it's time for me to go back to before we met

Because

You and me

Were never meant to be

Can't you see?

You're not the one for me

You and me

We were never meant to be

You are not my reality

I stopped singing and waited for him to stop playing. Then he looked at me and the room fell into complete silence. My chest threatened to explode as I waited for his verdict. I'd done my best. I'd tried to come up with words. Was it any good?

I was still questioning myself when he burst into laughter.

My heart sunk. "That bad?"

He shook his head. "Sorry. Sorry," he said as he struggled to control himself. "I sometimes just laugh randomly. No. No, it wasn't bad. I think we can use the chorus. But we might need to tweak the verses a bit. But," he said, suddenly looking pleased with himself, "it looks like we've finally got a start."

***

Dinner at the Ambassador's house went much better than I'd expected. It turned out that they had a lot of people over so I really didn't have to spend any time talking to Seung Mi. Now, if only my brother could have taken my cue and stayed away from her as well.

She wasn't the ugliest person I'd ever seen but I really didn't think she was his type. Her face wasn't as painted as it normally was at school and she was wearing a black shirtdress with a big red belt and looked pretty okay. But for some reason, Dong Won was acting like it was the first time he'd met her and completely monopolizing her company. Was she the only person at the party? Was he losing his sight? I wondered as I watched them laughing at what I was sure was a lame joke.

"It looks like Seung Mi is really getting along with your brother," Ha Na, a girl I'd only just met commented. Apparently, she was a sophomore at college and had been living in the States for about three years.

"Your brother is cute though…"

I groaned.

"… and if he wasn't younger than me and I wasn't already practically engaged, I'd have gone for him too," she teased.

I laughed. She was probably the tallest girl I'd ever seen in my life and I didn't think I'd seen feet that huge in my life. But she had a pretty face and had been very friendly in the little time I'd known her.

"Do you have a boyfriend?" she asked in the tone girls used when they wanted to bond with a new friend.

I nodded. "For over two years."

"Me too," she said, pulling out her purse and showing me a photograph.

Unless he was sitting, her boyfriend was about half her height but they looked happy and in love. I narrowed my eyes and looked at the building behind them. "Was this taken in Seoul?"

She nodded, taking it from me. "Yes."

"You guys went there on vacation?"

She shook her head. "No. We'd only been dating for about six months when my family moved here so it's been long distance for most of our relationship."

"Wow," I mouthed. "How have you managed to keep it going for so long?"

"It's difficult and I had to work for a whole year to get enough money to go back and visit last summer. And he's been here once too. It's not easy but we are making it work."

That gave me a gleam of hope. "So it's possible?"

"Yeah. No matter how difficult it gets, I remember that I'm lucky to have found the person I plan to marry some day. I definitely feel better than Yvette," she said pointing at another girl I'd met at the dinner. "She keeps dating a whole bunch of idiots. Can you imagine that the last guy she dated stopped calling because she refused to make out with him on their second date? In fact, Yvette," she called, waving for the slim, square jawed girl to join us, "come and tell us all about that Trey guy."

Although she attended another school, Yvette was a high school junior like me.

She excused herself from the people she was talking to and joined us. It was still premature but I could already tell that I'd just made some new friends.

***

"You're coming?" Ali shrieked, hugging me as we both jumped and yelped for joy.

It really hadn't been difficult getting my mother to write a check and sign the consent form to let me go on the trip because I waited till the night before the deadline to talk to her about it. Other than not giving her much of a chance to think about it, I also had to wait till my father was away. Then that night, I explained that it was a trip that all my classmates were going to be on, we were going to see the famed Getty Museum amongst other educational points of interest. I said it was something that the school recommended and that I didn't want to return to school at a disadvantage.

She asked me why I hadn't told them earlier and I said that I was scared of my father's reaction.

I instantly regretted uttering those words because her eyes turned teary and she instantly began to apologize profusely for the conditions we were now all living under. If felt awful but in the end, I got what I wanted. Did that make me a bad daughter?

"We are going to have so much fun," Ali said, disentangling herself from our embrace and plopping on the couch. "I'm already thinking of ways to ditch the school so that we can do our own thing. I hope we get to go clubbing."

"Shh!" Ryan said as our 'movie' began to play.

For the next few minutes, we watched the movie and it unfolded just as we expected. There I was, smiling and chatting way too cheerfully into the camera, so happy to be in America and taking photos at Arlington National Cemetery. Then the mood changed when I witnessed the mugging although Ryan cut that part out. So in the end, all it showed was my reaction to it. Gosh, was I really such a bad actress? I had even less talent than the actresses on American soap operas! Then the movie showed my realization that America wasn't really a bed of roses and then me in my inexplicably changing top sorrowfully walking down the street. When our song began to play, I gasped. Ryan somehow managed to find the one frame I was emoting reasonably and coupled it with the computer-adjusted sound of my voice. It was breathtaking. Then the movie ended with me walking into the airport (Ryan's backdoor).

"Why do I look fatter than I think?" I asked the minute the credits began to roll. "Ali, have I gained weight?"

She rolled her eyes. "No, you haven't – it's just the camera. And it wouldn't hurt if you have. She hissed. "…looking like my grandma's walking stick. But as for the movie…"

"Yes?" Ryan said.

"Well, it's okay, I guess. I already know the storyline so there are no surprises. Nice cinematography, though."

"Uhm, okay," Ryan said, not sounding too pleased with her comments.

Why couldn't Ali at least try to soften the blow?

"But," she said, turning to me, "why didn't you just let me do your make up for the entire film? You went from looking awesome to looking average."

"And why did you stop coming over to do my make up?" I countered.

She rolled her eyes. "Whatever."

"Well, I'll probably tweak it a little more but this is pretty much the final cut," Ryan said.

Too encourage him, I clapped and after a few seconds, Ali joined me. It wasn't the best movie I'd seen but it was at least something Ryan could say he'd done. But that song… yeah, he certainly had an ear for music. Maybe he ought to ditch the film thing and just focus on music. But I knew it wasn't the right time to mention that. "Our song turned out great, didn't it?" I said, proudly.

"Yes," Ali agreed, pointing at me, "that was definitely good. Can I get a copy?"

I beamed. With a little work, my voice sounded pretty great. "Yeah, can I get a copy too?" I was going to send the song to everyone I knew. And maybe I could get Ryan to film a video for it.

***

Ryan had suggested a wrap up party but since Ali already had plans, there were only two of us. I was excited to finally have the freedom to be out of my house after 8pm so when he suggested a movie, I happily agreed.

I got to pick the movie so I chose one with hot guys. It was its opening weekend so the theatre was filling up quickly. We'd chosen to share one large popcorn instead of getting two small ones so in order to make sure our portions were kept equal, I was guarding it on my lap and keep score of the number of handfuls Ryan was taking. "That's number 3," I told him as he reached into the bucket.

"Okay, Mom."

I laughed. Even calling me a witch wouldn't have dampened my mood. I was still high from watching myself on screen. I wasn't quite convinced about not looking bigger than I thought I did but the way my voice and the expression on my face meshed so perfectly… whoa! "Ryan," I said, turning to him as he threw some popcorn into his mouth, "you've really got a good eye. How did you know that was the right moment to start the song?"

"Gosh, is that all you're going to talk about today?" He pointed at the screen. "Watch the trailers."

"But it was so good. You and me…" I sang, moving closer to him. "… can't you see? Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh!"

He laughed and reached for more popcorn.

"That's your fourth. We were never meant to be," I continued to sing, this time putting my hands on my chest and pretending to be an opera singer.

He shook his head and laughed some more. "You're being so cute… getting all excited over some song you didn't even want to do."

"Whatever. But you're right, I'm so cute," I joked, putting my fingers in my non-existent dimples and making cute faces.

Ryan stopped smiling but kept looking at me. "Yep."

I laughed but the second I put my hand down and got some popcorn, as if in slow motion, he moved closer and closer till he kissed me! I sat there in shock, disbelieving what was happening. But I felt his breath on my face and smelled the burnt corn on his breath and knew it was definitely happening. I dropped the popcorn in my hand and didn't move an inch. A kiss? Okay, not on my mouth but like 10% of his lips were on mine and the rest on the side of my mouth. What the hell?

Then he moved back and grinned.

I replayed what had just happened in my mind and glared him. All the emotions I'd felt had merged into one: anger. It was a soft, quick kiss but how dare he? What was that about?

He must have noticed the fury in my eyes because in a swift second, he wiped the grin off this face. "Sorry about that."

I wanted to yell at him but I couldn't come up with any words. My brain was scrambled with a million thoughts. How could he? I shut my eyes to keep from blinding myself from anger. Why had he done that? Why did he have to spoil my day?

"The movie is starting now," he said, solemnly.

For the next thirty minutes, we watched the movie without exchanging a word. For some reason, Brad Pitt's normally gorgeous face looked like a horse's ass and every time I tried to concentrate on the storyline, my mind kept wandering to what Ryan had just done. And he didn't even seem to be the least bit affected because every time I glanced at him, he looked like he was 100% into the film. But sitting in that theatre was just a waste of my damn time. Instead of watching the movie, I was fighting to keep my emotions in check.

"I'm leaving," I said to anyone who cared to listen.

***

"Where are you going?" Ryan called after me.

I stepped out of the theatre and walked down the hall.

"The movie is still playing," he said from behind me.

"I'm not interested in it anyway." I picked up my pace and speed walked towards the 'Exit' sign.

"Su Jin!" The sound of his voice was followed by the extreme yank of my body. He'd grabbed hold of my hand and turned me around to face him. "Where are you going?"

"You have no right to touch me!" The rage I'd tried to control was threatening to explode and I just wanted to leave without any drama. I pointed at his hand on my upper arm. "Take your hand off me," I ordered in a calm voice. When he did, I turned around and walked through the double doors and out of the building.

It was a cool, breezy evening and on any other day, I might have stopped to look at the bright stars.

"How are you getting home?"

Without looking back, I kept walking. "Don't worry about it." I got to the side of the road and after looking left, right then left again, I crossed it.

"I brought you here so I'm responsible for taking you home."

"I'll get home safely. Just leave me alone."

"Aren't you overreacting?"

What did he just say to me? I turned around but instead of seeing his face, all I saw was red. "john tesh you, Ryan Cho. john tesh you."

"I've never heard you curse before," he said quietly.

"So?"

"Is it really that deep?" he asked in an even quieter voice. "Is this really something to be so mad about? All I did was kiss your cheek. I didn't do it to hurt you—"

"No, you did it because you don't respect my relationship. I know you guys think I'm some kind of idiot for being in a long distance relationship but just because I never say anything doesn't mean I don't know what you think. You're always making silly faces or cutting remarks whenever I talk about it."

"No, I don't."

"Yes, you do. That's why you think it's okay to kiss me even when you know I have a boyfriend!"

"You're blowing it out of proportion. I didn't really kiss you! It was just a peck. A little peck between friends…"

A peck between friends? My heart beat way too quickly for a freaking friendly kiss!

"… I'm so sorry if you hated it so much. I wasn't trying to offend you. I'm sorry."

I nodded knowingly. "A kiss between friends, huh? A kiss so close to my mouth?" I said, touching that part of my face. I could still feel his lips on me. "Why not just go ahead and kiss my lips, huh? A kiss between friends," I scoffed. "Ali is your friend. Have you ever kissed her?"

The last question was supposed to shame him, to make him realize that he was lying about it being nothing but instead of him looking away, hissing or shaking his head, he looked downwards and I saw a glint of something shoot through his face. Something that looked like guilt.

My chest tightened as I realized that he was someone I really didn't now at all. He was feeling guilty? "Ryan, have you kissed Ali? You've kissed Ali? Is this what 'just friends' means to you? You're sick!"

Disgusted, I turned around and started walking down the road, looking for a bus stop.

"Su Jin, I know you're mad but just let me take you home. Do you even know where you're going? Do you even know which bus to take?"

I stopped abruptly. He was right. I didn't know where I was going and I really didn't want to spend the rest of the evening waiting for buses on the weekend schedule. I turned around and smiled grimly. "I'll call my brother to come and pick me up."

"It's already dark and I just can't leave you by yourself. Let me just take you hom—"

"It's okay, Ryan. I'll be fine. I think part of the problem is that we've gotten too close and that's really not necessary, don't you think? It really upsets me that you think you can kiss me and not have it be a big deal. Maybe I've led you on or made you think I'd been cool with something like that. That's just not me and apparently, you don't know me at all. Since we've finished filming and recording the song, we really don't have any reason to hang out so much anymore."

"Su Ji—"

"Thanks for the movie. I'll see you at school," I said as I raised my hand and hailed the empty cab that happened to pass by at just the right moment.

Chapter 22

2010-12-08T09:53:00.000-08:00

"I hate math. I am quite sure I flunked that exam," Franca, a dark haired girl from Malta said as we both picked up trays and lined up to get our lunch. "How do you think you did?"

I shrugged. "I don't know. I'll find out when I get my results."

She smirked. "I bet you aced it."

I eyed her as the cafeteria lady filled a plate with lasagna and handed it to me. "What makes you say that?"

She pursed her lips. "You know."

"I know what?"

She smacked her lips and moved her head from side to side. "You know… you guys and math. You know..."

"What?"

"Well, whatever," she said, looking away. "I'm just sure you aced it."

I hissed and ignored her as I got the rest of my food. With my tray in hand, it was time to find a table to sit at.

"Over here, you blind bat," Ali yelled, waving at me. Ryan, the only other person sitting with her, looked up and smiled.

Part of me wanted to pretend I hadn't seen her but what kind of person would that have made me? After making that mistake the other time I avoided Ryan, I decided that I didn't want to be that childish person who ran away whenever things got tough. It was true that they were very close and sometimes, hanging out with them, I felt like the fifth wheel in the trunk of the car waiting for a stray nail to puncture one of the four main tires but it was still no reason to be rude to her. After all, she'd only ever been nice and welcoming to me. Plus she hadn't kissed me. And if she had, would I have had a different reaction? Would I have thought she had anything other than platonic feelings for me?

I took in a deep breath as I walked towards the table.

It hadn't even been two days since that fateful kiss and I'd already spent for too much time thinking about it. Why did he do it? What had it meant? Had I overreacted? Confused, I'd tried to talk to Min Ki about it but the conversation went like this:

Me: What does it mean when a guy kisses a girl on the cheek?

Him: It depends. When I kissed you in the cheek it was because I wanted to touch you and be closer to you. That was my way of showing affection.

Okay, so that didn't help matters much.

Me: What if they aren't a couple? They are just friends.

Him: Why would he do that if they are just friends?

Me: (Pause) I don't know.

Him: (Long pause) Why are you asking? Did someone kiss you?

Me: (Longer pause) No. Someone kissed Ali. We were just wondering.

Him: (Loud laughter) Oh, if it's an American guy doing it then it means nothing. It means he doesn't find her attractive at all. He just thinks of her as a friend. (Loud laughter) Things go a lot faster over there. I don't think they even know what a kiss on the cheek means. (More laughter) (Pause) Jinnie. (Another pause) Jinnie, be careful with those guys, okay? Don't let any of them get too close or they'll take advantage of you. (Pause) I love you.

So that wasn't very helpful either.

"Hey, let me have a taste of your lasagna," Ali said, bringing me back into the moment as she stabbed her fork into my food without waiting for a response. "I know I'm on a diet but I think I'm hungry."

I pushed the plate closer to her and glanced at Ryan.

"Hi," he said, catching my eye.

I started to look away then changed my mind and stared back, hoping to read something in those brown eyes. But I got nothing. Nothing that said, "We are just friends." Nothing that said, "I lust after you." His eyes didn't even say, "I'm sorry."

I nodded my greeting to him then looked away. What was his deal? Till I figured everything out, it just might be fine to keep my distance.

***

"Are you serious?" my mother cackled into the phone.

When my brother looked at me inquisitively, I shrugged back, letting him know I didn't understand what was happening either.

It was dinnertime on a school night and my father was making his daily call to us from London. As per always, after asking my brother and me the obligatory, 'How are you?' 'How is school?' questions, he was on the phone with my mother. And they were laughing. Like really laughing.

Something was wrong.

I wasn't quite sure if we'd somehow landed in a time warp but it reminded me of being back in Seoul. Back when he wasn't so annoying and was just the father we met during our holidays. Back when my mother worked and the three of us were happy together. Back when I rarely saw my mother cry.

She laughed about something else till her voice turned gentler and she sobered up.

"So what do you want me to bring back for you?" she asked him.

My grandma's sister had just passed away after a long battle with cancer so my mother was going back to Korea for the funeral and to be with her family. The death had been long coming and even though her relatives were sad that she was no longer with them, they were glad that her suffering finally ended.

My mother giggled then started talking about something that I was sure wasn't that interesting.

***

"I'll pick you up when I pick you up," my brother said before driving off. We'd just dropped my mother off at the airport so we were free to do as we pleased. Ali told me that she was spending the day with some guy she'd met somewhere so I decided to hang out with my new friend, Yvette and some other girls from her school. As I walked towards the Sears entrance to the mall, I heard someone call my name.

I turned around to see Ali holding on to a tall, older-looking guy. She said something to him then came over to me.

"Shopping for Ryan's party?" she asked when she was within earshot.

Apparently, every year, Ryan had a birthday party and each and every time, his father found new ways to embarrass him. It was bad enough that they had to hire the local Bar Mitzvah/Wedding singer to perform the Macarena and other lame songs but each year, his father would get up to give a long ass speech. As speech about the history of the Cho family and the trials and tribulations their ancestors had to face to get to where they were today. Then he'd talk about his family's achievements, even mentioning Ryan's grades and reading the positive comments his teachers left on his report card. Apparently, you never knew what red really looked like till you saw Ryan's face at his party.

"You are coming to Ryan's party?" she asked, putting her fist on her waist aggressively.

I shrugged. "I don't know."

"How can't you know? What's up? I've noticed a weird vibe between you guys lately." Suddenly her eyes widened and she covered her mouth in shock. "You guys didn't have sex, did you?" Then she shook her head dismissively. "Nah. If you had, he'd have told me." Then she raised her brow. "Lover's tiff?" She tsked. "I'm sure it was all his fault. And if he doesn't apologize soon, just wear something really sexy to his party and make him beg."

I hissed. I'd begun to get tired of her. "Your imagination is something else. You do know it's all in your head, right?"

"Whatever. I don't even know what I'm going to wear but I'm sure I'll find something in my closet. I just need new shoes. But speaking of men," she said, grabbing hold of my shoulder and whispering, "don't look now but don't you think that guy is cute? He's the one I was telling you about. His name is Kamal and I met him at the library the other day. Oh God, I love my mother for making return her stupid self-help books." Then her whispers got even fainter. "By the way, if he asks, I'm a 19 year old sophomore from George Mason University. My parents think I'm a pre-med student but I'm rebelling and am really pre-law." She looked me over and smirked. "Don't look at me like that. Everyone has to lie to find true love."

***

"Hey."

I turned around and to see Ryan smiling at me. It was that first time we'd been alone since he kissed me. "What's up? Happy Birthday."

"Thanks."

We stood in awkward silence as I shifted my weight from foot to foot.

"I got something for you," I said, reaching into my bag and pulling out an envelope. I handed it to him. "It's just a card."

He took it and thanked me before ripping it open. "Thanks," he repeated as he read the 'Happy birthday, Ryan' I'd written in the blank card. He hit the end of the envelope against his palm repeatedly as he asked me if I was attending his party.

I exhaled then shook my head. "Ali told me it would be fun but I already have plans."

"You don't even want to watch my father embarrass me? It's legendary."

I shook my head.

"It would have been nice to have you there."

"Next year, maybe."

"Okay," he said, nodding. "I'll see you around." He turned around and began to walk away but he didn't even taken three steps before turning back around to face me.

Surprised, I looked up at him. "What?"

"I'm sorry about the kiss."

I sucked my teeth. I was more than sick of the topic. I sighed. "I know."

"I've regretted it since that day. I keep asking myself why I did it—" he said, looking away.

"Why did you?"

He looked back at me and shrugged. "I don't know. I'm still not sure. It felt natural – one of those spontaneous things you do without thinking it through. I wasn't trying to disrespect you or your relationship. Trust me, I am well aware that you have a boyfriend… and I don't have a problem with it. We were just being silly at the time and it must have been adrenaline or something. You know, like the way you kiss your 5-year old cousin when he does something cute."

I laughed. "I know I am short but there's no way you can mistake me for a 5 year old."

He raised his brow. "Are you sure?"

I hissed. "Anyway, I better start heading for class before I get into trouble."

"Cool." As I turned to leave, he said, "You know how much my mother is depending on you to teach me Korean…."

I stopped to turn to him. "So?"

"If we stop being friends, she'll be upset with you."

I laughed a little. "If you tell her you kissed me, she'll understand."

"Touché. But seriously…"

I nodded. I really didn't know what to do. Part of me just wanted to let it go and go back to the way we were. I really did enjoy hanging out with him, with or without Ali but I still felt uneasy about the kiss and his joke about liking me. Was I taking it too seriously or not taking it seriously enough? "We're cool," I said, not knowing what else to say. In large crowds, we could probably have a lot of fun together.

"Great. We can hang out in LA. Are you getting excited?"

I sighed. My father would be back from his trip by then and with my mother gone, I wasn't sure if I was still going to be able to go. "I guess so."

"Alright then. See you later."

***

My brother was taking full advantage of having no parents around which meant that instead of showing up late at my school like he normally did, he was there on time to pick Seung Mi and me. They'd barely even known each other for two weeks but they were already acting very sickening. Not cuteness-induced sickness, no. They were just plain sick. The thought of them, the idea of them, the look of them, everything just made my stomach churn. About an hour after we arrived home, I heard a knock at my door.

"What?" I yelled.

"Go and take a walk," my brother said, grabbing my jacket off its hook and throwing it at me.

"It's already getting dark. You want me to go walking now?"

"It's a safe neighborhood. Just go and take a walk for like thirty minutes or something."

"Why?" I really wasn't getting fat, was I? This wasn't his subtle way of telling me I needed to lose weight, was it? Had Ryan's camera told the truth?

He sucked his teeth then bit his lower lip. "Look, I just won't feel comfortable with you here."

"Huh?"

"Me and Seung Mi. It's just going to be weird with you here," he said, looking embarrassed. "Why don't you go out for a bit?"

I stared at him till it finally sunk in and almost like I was on autopilot, I dropped my book and jumped off the bed. YUCK! I could already feel the goose bumps appearing on my skin. "What's wrong with you?" I yelled as I slipped my bare feet into my running shoes. "Stay in your room! Don't even think of doing anything out of your room." Yuck. Argh! Why?

I hit my head repeatedly to keep my brain from working on overdrive. I didn't even want to think of my brother in any nasty positions but all sorts of images had begun to appear in my head. Suddenly, a soundtrack of kittenish moans and disgusting manly groans began to play in my head. Eww! I just needed to get out of there. I picked up my jacket, skipped down the stairs and ran out of the house. As soon as I was at the other side of the fence, I stopped to catch my breath. Oh gosh! I glanced back at my house. What could I do to cause amnesia and how in the world was I ever going to step into my brother's room again?

***

"I'm glad you called," Yvette said as we waited in line at Starbucks. "I really needed a break from all that studying."

"What do you have tomorrow?"

"English and Physics. Would it hurt to schedule similar subjects together to make it easier on us? I swear, teachers just want to make us fail so that we can pay for another year of tuition."

After getting our coffees, we found a table. Since she was a third-party observer, I told her all about the issue I was having with Ryan.

She took a sip of her drink and said, "As far as I'm concerned, it's not that much of a big deal. It's not like he grabbed your boobs or anything."

I shook my head in disappointment. Just because it could be worse didn't mean it wasn't bad. "But he kissed me," I reminded her.

"On the cheek. Parents kiss their kids on the cheek. In France, strangers kiss on the cheek. Santa Claus kisses little kids on the cheek. Have you watched any Mafia movies? The men are constantly kissing each other on the cheek and those aren't brokeback situations. Heck, even pet owners kiss their dogs on the cheek."

"Some people kiss their dogs on the mouth too," I said, shuddering at the memory of an MTV show I'd seen a few weeks earlier.

"But those people are sick. Is that who you're comparing him to? It's really not that big a deal. It's not like he unzipped his pants on the first date and asked you to open your mouth. Trust me, I've been there," she said matter-of-factly.

Okay, so it could have been a lot worse. But still. "So you think it was absolutely platonic?"

She shrugged. "I wasn't there. But even if he has a little crush on you, so what? I think it's cute," she said dreamily.

"Huh?"

"Trust me, it feels good to feel loved even if it's from someone you don't like. Except it's from a stalker – that's never good."

"But I don't want him to like me – I have boyfriend and we are just friends." What was so hard to understand about that?

"You're making a big deal out of something so small. Besides, even if you guys get together, it will never work out because his heart is really with Anita."

"Ali," I corrected.

"Yeah, whatever. But it really is the classic situation: boy and girl are friends, new girl comes into town and steals the boy from girl. Girl cries, new girl turns out to be shallow, dumb, boring whatever. No offence. Boy realizes that he loves girl and they live happily ever after."

How could someone speak so authoritatively yet get everything completely wrong? "I really can't picture Ali crying and she's always encouraging Ryan to date other girls. It's not like that with them."

"Whatever. I'm thinking of all these movies: Kuch Kuch Hota Hai, Koi Aap Sa, Ishq Vishk, even Main Hoon Na…." she said, rattling off a whole bunch of Bollywood films.

Even though I still didn't know her well, one thing I knew was that she was a huge fan of romance. Other than watching Bollywood films, she'd probably read every single Harlequin and chicklit novel out there. It was no wonder she kept on going out on all these dates and nothing ever worked out – she had no realistic expectations about love and romance. I didn't want to burst her bubble and tell her that relationships weren't always passionate and that the butterflies eventually left your tummy.

"… Wohi Sikander, hello? Pehla Nasha," she began to sing. "Can't you see? Even the classic movies of the nineties had the same storyline. So you have nothing to worry about. Even if he does have a thing for you, it won't last forever."

But as my mother said, a thousand years was not forever.

"Oh, you're so Rani in Kuch Kuch. Gosh!" she said, smiling like she'd made an important discovery. "Just like you came from Korea, she came from London. But," she said, hitting me furiously.

I pushed her off and rubbed my sore shoulder. What was wrong with her?

"… Rani dies while giving birth to Anjali who later finds Kajol, who was also called Anjali in the film, so her father and Anjali can get back together. So you see? Even if you marry this Ryan guy, he's still going to end up with the other girl in the end."

I sighed. Did she really think that she was helping?

Then she went into a long rant about how it's usually the girl pining for the boy except in Kal Ho Naa Ho but even then, the new guy still had to die so that the old friends could fall in love and marry.

"But you know what's really going on?" she said after careful thought.

I rolled my eyes. What other Bollywood pearl of wisdom was she about to impart? "What?"

"It's not really about you being the new girl and stuff. It's just because you're a guy and he's a girl…"

Huh?

Noticing her mistake she said, talking with her hands, "Actually, it's the other way around. He's a girl and you're a guy." She shook her head. "Whatever. You know what I mean. The point is, he's got hormones. If a guy is horny enough, he'd even kiss a chicken if it batted its eyes at him."

I scrunched my nose. What was this girl on?

She raised her brow after seeing my reaction. "You think I'm kidding? It's not about liking you really because all that happened was it was dark, you were alone – kinda –-and even if that kiss wasn't platonic, his man parts just reacted naturally. You could have been the ugliest girl in town and he'd still have kissed you."

Okay, he was a horndog. Was that supposed to help me? "What's your point?"

"If you want to keep being his friend without this sexual tension – imagined or not – get him a girlfriend. That way, he'd have someone to release all the almost mouth kisses and sexual stuff on and you guys can just be friends with no interference of all his manly bits."

In some way, that made a lot of sense. If he'd always had a girlfriend, Min Ki would never have suspected he had a thing for me, there'd never have been any rumors about us at school and even if he'd kissed me, I would have known that it was purely platonic. Well, maybe.

"But," she said in a far less livelier tone, "as we know, if a girl starts looking for dates for a guy, she ends up falling for him herself. That's the one thing Kuch Na Kaho taught us. Gosh, I just love Ash and Abhi," she said as she drifted back to la la land.

Chapter 23

2010-12-07T17:11:00.000-08:00

We knew it was my father's first day home so after school, my brother and I walked in with trepidation. I heard the sounds of the clanging of pots coming out of the kitchen so I rushed to the stairs so that I could avoid talking to him.

"Yah! Do you want to get into trouble?" my brother yelled, grabbing the back of my winter coat and pulling me down. "You'd better get in there and greet him."

I slapped his hand off me. "Does that mean you should drag me like that? Do you want to kill me?" I whispered. "And you'd better watch how you treat me or else I am going to tell your father what you were doing with Seung Mi when he wasn't around," I said, immediately developing a bad taste in my mouth as I remembered that day.

"Tell him what? What did you see? Where's your proof? And will you tell him what you were doing during these alleged activities?"

I followed him into the kitchen and nearly crashed into his back when he abruptly stopped.

"Why did you—" My mouth flung open when I saw the cause of my brother's actions. My father was wearing an apron and humming to himself as he brought out cooking ingredients from the cupboards.

"Oh, you're here?" he said when he noticed us. He looked from Dong Won to me then smiled. "You are looking well. Since your mother is not here, why don't we cook together? I'm thinking of fried rice and chicken. Does that sound okay to you?"

My mouth was still ajar when I looked at my brother who appeared to be frozen in that spot. I turned back to my father and nodded. I couldn't even muster the energy to put it in words. My father wanted to cook with us? Porqué?

He dumped an onion on a chopping board and said, "Su Jin ah, you're in charge of the onions and Dong Won, you're the king of peppers." He picked up one of the skinless chicken breasts he'd put in a bowl. "I still haven't decided on what kind of chicken to make. Any suggestions?"

Neither of us said anything and when the silence began to become more pronounced, my brother told him that anything was good.

We were still standing there not knowing what to do when my father looked up from this chicken and mock-frowned. "Why are you still here? Drop your things then come back and help me with dinner."

***

My father's puzzling change in behavior remained for days following his return and that made us very nervous. Was it a phase? Was he on drugs? The trying-to-be-nice thing wasn't new but what was up with cooking together? We knew that it was only a matter of time before he began to bark at us again so in order to avoid any drama, we were very polite and obedient and tried our best to stay out of his way. So when the day I was to leave for my trip finally arrived, I didn't know what to do.

Since my brother was an ass and refused to let wake up in the middle of the night and sneak my suitcase into the trunk of his car, I had no choice but to risk being caught. It sucked that I had to depend on him and was already devising ways to convince my mother to get me a car for my birthday. So that morning, I woke up early and placed my suitcase in the coat closet downstairs. I planned on leaving for school without telling him and saddling my brother with the responsibility of explaining to him why I didn't return home later that day.

I looked at the clock and then at the stairs. Any minute now, Dong Won would run down the stairs in his pajamas and ask me to leave with him. Since my brother's first class was at noon, he'd be returning home after dropping me off and since our group was leaving for the airport before closing hours, I couldn't get him to drop my luggage off later.

"Abonim, aren't you going to work?" I asked, glancing at his still full bowl of cornflakes.

He looked from behind his paper and shook his head. "I'm going in a little late today."

"Yah! Let's go now," my brother bellowed as he skipped down the stairs. He grabbed his coat from the closet and pulled out my suitcase. "Hurry up, let's go."

I glanced at my father and when I saw that he was still reading his paper, I rushed to my brother, grabbed my suitcase and headed for the door.

"Su Jin ah! What's that in your hand?" my father asked the minute I stretched my hand for the door handle.

I froze. I was caught. And about to be skinned alive.

"Oh Su Jin, what's in your hand?"

I slowly turned around and even more slowly looked at him. I was expecting to see rage on his face but all I saw was confusion. "It's my suitcase," I said in a shaky voice.

"I can see that. But where are you going to?"

His calmness was freaking me out and my heartbeats became faster. "The Junior-Senior Winter trip."

"The what?" he asked in disbelief. "And when were you going to tell me about it? Where is it?"

"It's in Los Angeles."

"In Los Angeles?" he repeated incredulously. "You were going to Los Angeles without telling anyone?"

"We thought you knew. Umma signed the consent form and paid," my brother said, coming to my defense.

I squeezed my brother's hand, thanking him for his support.

I watched my father's adam apple travel up and down a few times as he glared at us.

Since it looked like he wasn't saying anything else, my brother turned and opened the door. "Su Jin, let's leave now if you don't want to be late for school," he said firmly.

Since I seemed to have lost all control of my legs, my brother grabbed my elbow and pulled me out with him. As we walked to his car he said, "You'd better have as much fun as possible because you know you'll be suffering when you return."

***

"I'm still confused as to how I got this seat," Ali asked with her hands on the arms of her seat. The plane was still being boarded so we were talking and people watching. She rubbed her palms together. "Su Jin, please switch seats with me," she begged.

"Don't do it," Ryan said from the other side of her. "She wouldn't do it if she were in your place."

"Ali, is that true?" I asked, looking at her pointedly. "If you were in my seat, would you give it up for me?"

"Of course!" she said earnestly.

"Really? Why?"

She looked at me like I'd asked the most stupid question in the world. "Because you're my sister from another mother. Of course I'll give up my seat for you."

I leaned forward to look at Ryan. "She says she'll give it up for me."

Before he could reply, he was interrupted by a tall dark-haired, square-jawed guy in black, wire-rimmed glasses. "Excuse me, I think you're in my seat," he said to Ryan, looking at his boarding pass stub.

"Okay girls, looks like it's time for me to leave," Ryan said, getting up and walking to his assigned seat. While Ali and I were seated on the 14th row, he was on the 22nd.

"Do you still want to switch seats? Ali!" I called but instead of responding, she was smiling at the guy putting his luggage in the overhead compartment. And she was still staring at him as he sat down and fastened his seatbelt. Then she leaned to me and whispered. "Isn't he a hottie?"

"What about Kamal?" I whispered back.

"He thinks I'm 19 so it doesn't count. I think this one is a senior." She turned and waved at him. "Hi."

He looked up from the inflight magazine he'd just picked up and waved back. "Hi."

"I'm Ali and this is Su Jin."

"Cool. I'm James."

She leaned to me and whispered. "James, huh? Doesn't he sound smart?"

Smart? It wasn't like his name was Edgar. I tut-tutted at her then reached for my own copy of the inflight magazine.

"I wonder who Ryan is sitting with," she said raising her body and turning around. "Oh my God!" she exclaimed.

I quickly turned to look. He was sitting next to an average-looking red head and reading the safety instructions. There didn't look like there was cause for alarm. "What?" I whispered.

She turned around and sat back in her seat so I did the same.

"That's Holly Levingston," she said, fastening her seatbelt. "She's like the biggest slut in the senior class."

I glanced back for another look. She didn't look sluttish at all – in fact, she looked quite conservative in her denim jacket and long bangs. "Are you sure?"

She nodded. "And," she said chuckling to herself, "I bet she's going to take a stab at Ryan."

It suddenly felt like there was something in my eye so I blinked rapidly to try to get it out.

"Are you okay?" she asked.

I nodded and rubbed the corner of my eye to stabilize it. "Back to Holly… even if she's a slut," I said, hesitating at the word. I never liked the sound of it. "… even if it's true, why would she be interested in a junior?"

"Because she's Holly Levingston and doesn't have any boundaries. I can bet you $5 that Ryan is going to use some condoms this week."

***

Twenty minutes into the flight, Ali had completely stopped talking to me and was only talking to James. He was a senior who'd already been accepted at MIT and apparently, he and Ali shared a love for classical music. It was a good thing Bach and Mozart were household names otherwise, she wouldn't have known what to say when he asked her to list her favorite composers.

I didn't want to shell out any money to buy ear phones to watch the movie playing and for some reason, I just couldn't find anything interesting to watch on my personal video player. As I tried to tune out Ali's giggling, all I could do was think of was what she'd said earlier. Ryan would get to use condoms this week? The idea of that was disturbing for numerous reasons, least of all that as far as I knew, he barely knew a thing about the girl he was sitting next to. I'd always thought of him as someone with pride and integrity so surely, he would reject her advances, wouldn't he? But on the other hand, Ali had known him for much longer than I had and if she thought that it was possible, maybe she was right. And that made me feel so disappointed in him. But then a thought occurred to me; maybe he was completely unaware of her reputation. Wouldn't it be awful for him to fall for her only to later find out that he was simply one of long list of conquests? There was no way he wouldn't end up crushed and as a friend, I wanted to prevent that.

"Do you have a bladder problem? Or constipation?" Ali asked about two hours later.

"Why?" I stood up and dropped the airplane blanket on the seat.

"What did you eat today? It looks like it's the fourth time you've gotten up to use the toilet."

"Why are you paying some much attention to how many times I'm getting up? Shouldn't you be flirting with your newest boyfriend?" I snapped.

She gave me a look. "What's your problem?" she called as I walked away.

It would have been great if I could just raise my head, turn around and look at row 22 but since it was dark, I had to make the journey down there. I wasn't snooping – I was just looking out for a friend. I didn't know what I'd planned to do when I got to his seat but I just wanted to make sure everything was okay.

As in the three previous times I'd walked down that aisle, I slowed down as I approached Ryan's row. The first time I passed had been great because he was reading the inflight magazine while she was reading a novel. The second time had been far less pleasant because it looked like she'd purchased earphones to use for the inflight entertainment and for some reason, they'd found this interesting to talk about. They were both holding it and laughing and when I squinted, I could almost make out their fingers touching.

The third was damn near disastrous because they both appeared to be sleeping with her head on his shoulder. Seeing that had such a physical effect on me to the point that I thought I was having heartburn.

The light over Ryan's head was on so this time, I didn't have to get up close to see that while he was reading something, Holly was asleep, but this time, instead of seeing a mass of straight red hair hanging over his shoulder, her head against the window. I immediately felt my mood brighten as I passed by them.

"Hey," I heard the moment I felt someone touch me. I looked down to see Ryan's worried eyes staring up at me. "Are you okay?"

I bent down and nodded. "Why?"

"Because I keep seeing you going to the restroom. Is everything okay?"

I put my hand on my tummy and rubbed it. "I don't know what I ate but I'm sure I'll be okay soon."

He caressed my hand with his finger then looked upwards. "I only have ibuprofen but it's in my hand luggage up there. Do you want me to get some for you?"

I couldn't help but feel touched by this. "There's no need. I've already taken some."

A few minutes later, when I was back at my seat, I felt a tap on my shoulder. When I looked up, I saw a flight attendant holding out her hand to me.

"The gentleman back there said you were having some stomach problems so I brought some Pepto Bismol for you."

I took the small sachet of two pills and thanked her. As she left, I glanced back but since it was still dark and Ryan had switched his light off, I couldn't see him. But it felt good to know that even though all I saw was darkness, I knew that he was back there looking out for me. And that kinda, sorta made my heart flutter.

Chapter 24

2010-12-06T18:10:00.000-08:00

"Alright," Mr. Lewis, the physics teacher and our male chaperone said. He clapped his hands to get our attention. "Pick a partner."

It turned out that our trip wasn't merely a visit but also a retreat so it meant that we got to do supposedly fun exercises.

I looked over at Ali but considering she only remembered me when we were in our room, I knew she'd be flirting with James. I looked around the room to find another partner but my eyes fell on Holly laughing and holding Ryan as she led him to a corner of the room. I felt my breathing become heavier and even though I tried to look away, I couldn't keep my eyes off their linked hands.

"You look lonely," someone whispered in my ear.

I turned around to see Jonathan looking at me questioningly. I smiled back but once again, my eyes involuntarily traveled back to those linked hands.

"It looks like you've been ditched," he said.

I nodded and was about to make a comment about Ryan when I noticed that he was looking at someone else. I followed his eyes and saw Ali and James grinning at each other. I turned back to him and studied his face. The guy really didn't look too happy with that scene. Did he still have a thing for her?

As if he suddenly remembered that I was alive, he turned to me. He stretched his palm out. "Be my partner?"

***

"Okay, you're approaching some steps," Jonathan said.

I raised my foot. "Now?"

"No, not yet. You still have a few steps before you get there. I was just warning you."

We were doing a trust building exercise so I was blindfolded and Jonathan was supposed to only verbally instruct me so I could safely walk around the hotel's backyard. The hotel, or lodge as they called it, was pretty small so we were the only residents. It was pretty awesome because it almost felt like I was in a dorm.

"So, Jonathan," I said as I took careful steps. "I really don't know much about you. How many kids in your family?"

"Six."

"Six!" I yelled just as the middle of my foot landed on a small rock. "Ouch!" I stopped and stretched the foot. "Jonathan, you were supposed to warn me about that!"

He chuckled. "Sorry. Okay, you can start walking again."

"How many boys in your family?" I asked, as I took even more careful steps making sure to use the top of my shoe to feel out the ground before making a full step.

"One boy. Basically, my parents kept having kids, trying to create perfection. So it was only natural that they stopped after having a boy."

I frowned. If I could see him, I'd have slapped him. "You're such a chauvinist."

"Wrong. I've been around women all my life - I love them."

"Really?" I stopped and faced the direction of his voice. I put my fists on my waist. "Do you like me?"

He laughed. "Keep walking. You have about three more steps."

I took one careful step. "So answer my question. Do you like me?"

"Of course."

I stopped again. That wasn't the response I was expecting. "Like me how? The way you like Ali?"

He was quiet for a moment. "Who told you I like Ali? What are you even bringing her up for? But I think you're cool. Like a buddy."

I smiled and kept walking. "Ye-" Before I could finish the word, my foot hit solid cement. I jerked back but luckily, before I could hit the ground, Jonathan caught me. What the hell kind of exercise was this anyway?

"Are you okay?" he asked, still holding on to me.

I tried to stomp on his foot but since I couldn't see, I kept stomping on the ground.

"What are you doing?" he asked after about thirty seconds.

I dug my elbow into him. "You are supposed to be directing me! Why didn't you tell me that I'd arrived at the steps?!?! Do you want me to break my leg?"

He laughed. "Sorry about that. I got distracted by your questions."

"Whatever. Let go off me now. The sooner we're done with this exercise, the sooner we end the torture."

Just as he was releasing me, I felt his hand brush across my right breast. I was shocked then in reflex, grabbed my chest. "What did you just do? Why did you touch me here?"

"Oh, I'm sorry," he said in a childlike voice. "I didn't realize I was touching there – everything is so flat." I could detect a twinge of humor.

"Are you crazy? Do you have manners at all? You can't touch me there!" I reached over to hit him but all I felt was air.

"Sorry."

I knew that I should be mad and rake him across hot coals but for some reason, I only felt the urge to laugh. So I did. He was Jonathan so he was expected to do something like that. I should have known better than to agree to be his partner. But then again, we didn't know it was something that involved blindfolds. So I found it hilarious. I kept laughing and for the next few minutes, every time he tried to direct me up the stairs, I covered my chest and he chuckled. And so did I.

***

"Hey!" Ryan said, tapping my shoulder from behind. I was taking a photograph of a painting and since we were not allowed to use flash in the museum, was taking it in multiple angles to get one that looked halfway decent.

"Hey." Hearing his voice immediately brightened my mood and I found myself smiling. The trip had been quite educational for me and taught me what loneliness really felt like. Who would have thought that both of my friends would pair up and leave me all alone? I aimed the camera and took one more shot.

"So why are you walking all alone?"

I raised an eyebrow. "My friends ditched me so what am I supposed to do? And whenever I try to hang out with other people, I always feel out of the loop. This sucks," I sulked.

I let my camera hang from my wrist and started to walk. Ryan followed suit. I glared at him then kept walking. I felt like I was in an impossible situation. Everyone had the right to pair off so I wasn't mad at them for that but it just sucked that I didn't have the same option because I had a boyfriend but since he was absent, I had no choice but to be all alone. How did that even make sense? And what was the point in having a boyfriend if he couldn't be with me when I needed him most. Stupid sh.it.

"That looks interesting," Ryan said, walking up to some kind of war painting.

I folded my arms and followed him. And what the hell was wrong with him? Since he was my friend and all, I definitely wanted him to find happiness with someone but Holly Levingston? Of all people? And the past few days, they'd been walking around like convicts handcuffed together.

Ryan turned to say something but when he looked at my face, jumped back and shuddered. "Why are you looking at me like that?"

"What do you see in Holly Levingston?"

"What?" he asked, stepping further back.

I didn't have time for games. I tilted my head to show him that I wasn't playing around. "What do you see in her? She's not even pretty."

"Who said I saw anything in her?"

I sighed. "Since you got on the plane, you've been following her around like some kind of lapdog and forgotten your true friends. Didn't you promise me that we were going to hang out together? This is already our third day and it's the first time you're really talking to me."

Some kids stared at us as they passed by so I moved over to a corner so as to stay out of everyone's way.

"And so what?" Ryan said, following me. "At least we're hanging out now, right? And what about the past few weeks at school? You think I didn't notice that you were avoiding me and only talked to me when Ali was around? You started treating me like a leper just because I overestimated our relationship. And it wasn't like I didn't apologize."

"Whatever. Like you really have anything to say to me anyway. You obviously prefer talking to someone like Holly."

"Yes, I do. I've only known her for a few days and she's not ashamed to touch me. She doesn't squirm if I hold her hand or act like I'm going to eat her when I come close!"

I narrowed my eyes and tried to send him as many daggers as I could. Why was he exaggerating everything? I shook my head in disgust. "Of course she likes it. Haven't you heard the rumors about her? She has a lot of experience!"

"Oh, so now you're listening to rumors?"

"It's not just a rumor. Ali says it's true!"

"So what? Ali also says the rumor about us is true! And that's obviously a lie. So what does that prove?" he said, his face darkening as he got angrier.

I exhaled. We were not supposed to be fighting. "Look, we are friends and I'm only looking out for you. There are tons of girls you can be with. I'm just telling you that you don't have to waste your time on someone like her."

"And who says I am wasting my time? And thanks for being my friend but just mind your business, okay?"

***

I was halfway towards Dreamland when we heard some rapid knocks at our room door.

"Who's that?" Ali shouted.

"Alison, open the door. It's Jonathan. Open the door."

I opened my sleep-laden eyes and looked at her. "What does he want?"

"I don't know," she mouthed to me.

The clock read 11:37 so it was definitely far too late for social calls. "Jonathan, we're sleeping. Come tomorrow," I shouted.

"No. I need to talk to Ali today," he said, banging the door. And kept banging it.

Seeing that he wasn't going to stop, I put my pajama top over my tank top while Ali put on the hotel robe. She walked over and opened the door. "What do you want?"

He walked in and held the door ajar. "Su Jin, will you mind excusing us?"

I groaned. "I'm really trying to sleep over here. Please come back tomorrow."

"And why should she leave? If you have something to say, say it in front of us."

He ignored her and walked over to me. "Can you please leave?"

I sat up and looked for my slippers. "But where am I to go? The lobby has been closed."

He fished out his room key from his pocket and handed it to me. "Room 225."

I didn't even have the energy to walk over to another floor. "Jonathan," I begged.

"Please."

I shouldn't have looked into those pleading green eyes because as soon as I did, it felt like some force appeared out of nowhere and pushed me out of the room.

Since curiosity had gotten the better off me, I left the door slightly ajar and tried my best to eavesdrop.

"Why do you keep hanging around that guy?" Jonathan roared.

"It's none of your business. You haven't had a say in my life for a long time!"

"And whose fault is that?"

Neither of them said anything but when they started speaking again, their voices were fainter. Out of the words and phrases I managed to pick out, 'kissing Ryan' stood out the most.

Even more interested now, I decided to open the door a bit more but just as I did, a passerby yelled my name and asked if I was locked of out my room. Knowing that I'd been caught, I quickly shut the door and headed for Jonathan's room.

***

I knocked at room 225 and when I didn't hear a response, I turned the key in the hole and opened it. The light was on so I walked in and locked the door behind me.

I walked further in and just as I sat at the desk, the bathroom door flung open and Ryan walked out in nothing but his towel wrapped around his waist.

He wasn't completely dry so there were droplets of water on his chest and I stared at it in shock.

He too looked surprised to see me but he quickly changed his expression to one of disinterest. "What are you doing here?" he asked, walking further into the room.

"Er… Jonathan is in my room so I was kicked out."

"Jonathan is in your room? With Ali?" he said, turning to the door before stopping then slowly turning back around. He looked at me then shrugged. "I'm staying out of it. Ali can take care of herself."

My eyes followed his chest as he walked towards the closet. He didn't have a six pack but I could count at least four. As far as I knew, he wasn't particularly athletic so I was surprised that his body was even that toned.

He flung a smaller towel over his shoulder. "What are you staring at? Never seen a guy's chest before?"

His comment made me blush so I shut my eyes and looked away. "Yes, I have. But since I'm here, shouldn't you get dressed in the bathroom?"

"It's my room so I can do whatever I want." Then he suddenly burst out laughing. "Okay, I'll take my pajamas to the bathroom so you can open your eyes when you hear the door shut."

About two minutes later, he walked out wearing a pair of blue pajamas. "I'm going to bed soon."

I asked him to point at Jonathan's bed so that I could lie on it. Seeing his chest had woken me up a bit but I was still very sleepy. When he pointed it out, I cleared it and lay on the covers then watched him prepare his bed for sleep. "How come you're sharing a room with Jonathan? Didn't you guys get to choose your roommates?"

He shook his head. "Mr. Lewis thinks he's a comedian so he paired us up."

"That sucks," I said as I turned over. "Okay, good night."

About five minutes later, since the light had yet to be turned off, I rolled over to face Ryan. "What are you reading?"

He looked up at me. "The Bible."

"Really?"

He grinned and shook his head. "Just kidding. It's a Grisham novel Holly lent to me on the plane. I want to finish it before we return."

"Oh," I mouthed before turning back over. How many more times was I going to hear that stupid name? A few minutes later, with my back to him, I said, "Ryan…" I could feel my eyelids getting heavier and heavier and I barely had energy to speak but I wanted to clear the air when I had a chance. When I compared how I reacted to his kiss to how I reacted to Jonathan touching my breast, I definitely knew that there was something wrong with me. And till I figured it out and fixed it, I didn't want it to interfere with our friendship.

"Yes?"

"About today...."

"Yes?"

"I'm sorry about butting into your business. You should be with whomever you want to." Even if she's a slut.

"I know."

I coughed. "And no matter how I act, I really value your friendship."

"Why? Because other than Ali, I am your only friend?" he asked. There wasn't a hint of humor in his voice so I knew he wasn't joking around.

I flinched at the blow. "Not only that but I really enjoy hanging out with you."

"Really?"

"Really. So always make time for me, okay?"

"Okay." I'd expected him to laugh but he didn't. "You sound sleepy."

"I am."

"Do you want me to turn off the light?"

"It's your room so you can do what you want, remember?"

He chuckled. "Then I'll read for ten more minutes before turning it off. Good night."

"Sweet dreams."

Chapter 25

2010-12-05T19:40:00.000-08:00

I was awoken by the feel of someone shoving me. I opened my eyes to darkness and as they adjusted to it, I realized that there was a body lying next to me. Panicked, I sat up and turned on the bedside lamp.

"Jonathan! What—" The sentence was cut short by his hand on my mouth.

"Can't you see someone is sleeping over there?" he said, pointing to the bed at the other side of the room.

Seeing Ryan lying there made me realize that I was still in their room.

I pried his hand off my mouth and whispered, "You're just getting back?"

He smirked. "I wasn't even gone for an hour. I can't believe you fell asleep. And him too," he said, nodding in Ryan's direction. "For a moment, I thought I'd catch you guys in a compromising position but I guess Cho is a huge bore, huh?" he joked.

I hit him then turned around and looked at our subject. He was lying on his side, facing us and with his hair against his forehead and with his face relaxed, he looked so peaceful, gently breathing in a nice rhythm.

"Doesn't he look normal when he's sleeping?"

I nodded. In the soft light, he looked more than normal. Cute, even. Scratch that. Not cute but very cute.

"Are you going back to your room or do you want to spend the night staring at him?"

I slapped him again. "I'll be going back in a second but can I ask you a question?" I said, turning to him and looking down at his face.

"You mean 'may.'"

"Thanks for the correction. May I ask you a question?"

He yawned. "You want to know about me and Ali?"

I nodded. "I overheard a few things. Do you love her?"

He turned and lay down on his back. "I don't know." His expression was clear and free of any sarcasm or arrogance. It was the most honest and humble he'd ever looked since I first met him.

"What don't you know about it?"

He shrugged. "I think I'm starting to believe what everyone thinks about me. Before, I was sure that I liked and cared about her far more than anyone ever gave me credit for but these days, I think I'm wrong. Well, I hope I'm wrong." Then he turned back on his side. "You won't tell her that, will you? Because, you know, we've both moved on and all."

I squeezed his hand and promised not to say anything. About a minute later, I said my goodbye and tiptoed out of their room.

The light was still on and Ali still awake when I walked back into our room. I slid under my covers and stretched. I was so happy to be back in my bed. Then I turned to her. "Did you guys have a good talk?"

She snapped the book she was reading shut and put it on the dresser. "Are you done with the light? You mind if I turn it off?"

I shook my head and shortly after, we were in darkness.

"You don't want to talk about it?" I asked. I probably should have minded my business but I was far too curious.

From the creak of the bed, I could tell that she was changing positions. "It's fine. There's not much to talk about."

"You and Jonathan used to date…?" I started, leading her in the right direction.

"Yeah. I thought you already knew that."

"Yeah, sorta. And you broke up after you and Ryan kissed?"

She laughed. "Me and Ryan didn't kiss. Well, not really. Did you know that Ryan and Jonathan used to be friends?"

I shook my head even though I knew she probably couldn't see it.

"They were friends before I moved here. Then shortly after I did, Jonathan and I started dating but I guess he was jealous of my relationship with Ryan. And you know that guy has problems so he was mean about it. One random day, after pissing me off, I went over to Ryan and kissed him. Like a big, wet one." She giggled. "Blech, it was like kissing my brother. But I did it in the cafeteria so you know that everyone saw it. Jonathan found out and got into a huge fight with him. As in a physical fight with punching and all that."

"Wow."

She chuckled. "That's not even the half of it. I felt bad so I explained everything to Jonathan and we made up. But he never fully believed me because he couldn't understand how Ryan could still be my friend even though I used him. Then to get back at me, the day after the one and only time we had sex, I walked into the cafeteria to see him flirting with another girl. That literally was the worst day in my life," she said, not bothering to hide the hurt in her voice. "So I called him later that day and broke up with him. He tried to apologize to me saying that it hadn't meant anything but I refused to listen. The next day, he tried to apologize again but he and Ryan ended up getting into another huge fight in class and when a teacher broke them up, I took Ryan's side. And that's pretty much it."

I rolled to the other side as I tried to digest it all. "How long ago was this?"

"Around a year, maybe."

"And now, what do you think about him? Do you still love him?"

"Of course not. And I don't even know why he came over here tonight. I guess he just wanted to talk and he felt jealous after seeing me with James. But he's seen me with other guys so I don't know what his problem was. But whatever. We talked for a while but there's no way we can ever get back together. Too much has happened, you know."

***

"Smile," Ryan said, shoving his camera in front of my face. "Su Jin Oh, tell the world what you think of Los Angeles, California. Is it everything you dreamed of?"

I covered the lens with my palm and looked over at him. He was dressed in a brown t-shirt with the phrase 'Don't do it' on it.

"Don't do what?" I asked. But as my eyes lingered on his chest, the image of him in his towel flashed in my mind.

I quickly took my hand off his camera and covered my eyes. I really needed to somehow erase that from my memory.

"What's wrong with you?" he asked, pulling my fingers off my face. He successfully took one hand off and peered into my face. "Are you okay?"

I nodded. "Yes. But move back. You don't have to be so close."

He made a face and stepped back. "What's wrong with you?" He pointed his camera at me again.

"Can you film something else? I've already starred in one of your movies. Isn't that enough?"

He shook his head and left the camera trained on me. "That was scripted so it doesn't count. Besides, I think I'm more suited for documentaries anyway. So Su Jin Oh, what do you think of Los Angeles?"

A cold breeze passed and I zipped up my sweatshirt higher. "I think it's colder than I was led to believe. Hey," I said, pointing at the ground. "Those are Michael Jackson's handprints." I held onto the digital camera that was hanging from my wrist and pointed it at the square. "My friend, Il Woo, will love this. I need to take a picture."

We compared our hands and feet to other imprints made on the Hollywood Walk of Fame and when we stopped to watch a street performance, Ryan rested his hand on my shoulder. But a few seconds later, he suddenly took it off and put it into his pocket. When I looked at him inquisitively, he looked away shyly and said, "Sorry about that. I forgot that I'm not allowed to touch."

I scrunched my nose. "Don't bring that sh.it up again. In fact," I said, pulling his arm and wrapping it over my shoulder.

He looked down at me with a question in his eyes.

"What? Can't friends do this?" I asked as I pulled his arm tighter around me. "Friends can do this. Or you don't want to?"

He shook his head and laughed. Then he turned to watch the performance without any further comments.

Even though I didn't wrap my arm around his waist to make the half-hug complete, I leaned into him and watched the two-man team perform their acrobatics.

Ryan made a comment I didn't hear but I laughed with him anyway. It was definitely good to have friends, especially those that made you smile even when there was no real reason to.

***

"Excuse me," Ryan said, squeezing into my row.

I laughed as he sat in Ali's former seat. "So you're the sucker she exchanged with," I said, glancing back at Ali who was now sitting with James. "I thought you said she'd never exchange a window or aisle seat for a middle one."

Ryan fastened his seatbelt and grinned at me. "Yeah, but I got sick of all her begging. And now she owes me one."

I looked away and tried to look as uninterested as possible. "And it must have been a huge sacrifice for you. Didn't you want to sit next to Holly?"

"She wasn't seated next to me on this flight."

"Oh. Would you still have exchanged seats with her if you'd been next to Holly?"

He shrugged. "I don't know."

I furrowed my brows and looked away. He didn't know? I so didn't like that response. "You mean you like her for real?"

He sighed. "Why are you so interested? Must we talk about her again?"

"No," I mumbled. "I just wanted to know. What's the big deal?"

He pushed me gently then laughed. "If anything happens with Holly and me, you'll be the first to know."

What the fu,ck? I opened my mouth to say something then thought better of it. No. He must have been kidding. He was far too smart to really like someone like that.

He picked up the inflight magazine and flipped through it. "I wonder what movie they are going to show."

"Are you going to buy the earphones?"

"Probably. Now that I don't have anywhere to rest my head, it'll be hard to sleep. Can you entertain me for the next 5 hours?"

I bent down, picked up my handbag and rummaged through it. "I can't entertain you but maybe my Creative Zen can. I uploaded some video files before we left," I said, pulling it out.

"Cool. Do you have any food too?"

I sent him a lopsided frown and pulled out my half eaten package of chocolate chip cookies. "I'm providing both the food and the entertainment. What's your contribution?"

"Myself." When he saw the smirk on my face he said, "What? That's not good enough?"

I gave him one earphone and stuck the other one in my ear then went through my playlist and clicked on a file.

"What's this?" he asked as the intro began.

"It's a drama."

About a minute later, he said, "In Korean?"

I put my finger against my lips, gesturing for him to shut up.

He took out his earphone and turned to me. "How am I supposed to understand this? There are no subtitles!"

I took mine out and looked back at him. "Your mother wants you to learn Korean, right? So consider this your first lesson. Now, I have to rewind this," I said, pressing one of the buttons. "If the battery dies on me, you're dead!"

We were about ten minutes into the drama when he suddenly laughed.

"What's so funny?"

He pointed at the screen and laughed but after seeing the confused expression on my face, stopped. "They didn't say anything funny?"

I shook my head. "What's funny about asking someone when their doctor's appointment is?"

He scratched his ear in embarrassment. "Oh, that's what he said?"

I giggled. "What do you think he said?"

He laughed to himself and told me that I really didn't want to know.

As we watched the drama with him laughing and commenting on scenes he clearly misunderstood, I found myself feeling the sudden urge to kiss him.

I stopped myself and rested into my chair, causing Ryan's earphone to fly out of his ear.

"Hey! My ears are precious, you know."

I rolled my eyes and handed him both earphones.

I couldn't figure out why but I really had, for some reason, wanted to kiss him. Not anything major but just a quick kiss.

So maybe Yvette had been right. The main lights had been turned off, he and I were cuddled up together watching the drama and the mood was set. It really didn't have much with me wanting him.

"Aren't you still watching this?" he asked, showing the screen to me.

I shook my head.

"Good. That means I can find something else to watch. I don't know what you find so great in seeing a man cry because some girl rejected him."

I could barely see his face but with the way his lips were highlighted by the lights on my video player, I almost felt like it wouldn't really have been the worst thing to kiss him right then.

I turned away and smiled to myself. So this was what it meant to have your hormones rage, huh? Wanting to touch any guy within a 15 foot radius?

His hand brushed against mine and I felt a tingle. Actually, it was more like a buzz. I moved my hand away so that it wouldn't happen again. Okay, so it was no longer a laughing matter. I really did enjoy hanging out with him but in the grand scheme of things, my hormones raging for no good reason didn't quite work.

If Min Ki had been around, would I even have had the chance to think such thoughts about him? If he'd had a girlfriend sitting at the other side of him, there would never have been a point where it would have just been the two of us laughing in the dark. So maybe, just maybe, it was time to get rid of the sexual tension between us and get him a girlfriend. Someone who wasn't Holly but someone who made him happy. And made things easier between us.

Chapter 26

2010-12-04T09:08:00.000-08:00

"Oppa," I said as soon as I answered the phone.

"Oh, you answered. Did you just arrive?" my brother said from the other end.

"Yeah." I glanced at my watch. "I think we are about thirty minutes late. Have you been waiting for a while?" I nodded my thank yous to the stewardesses as I followed Ryan off the plane.

"Er… I'll tell you later."

My heartbeats quickened. "Is your father mad?"

"I don't know," he replied in a monotone.

I wasn't feeling too comfortable holding my phone with my left hand so I switched my hang luggage from my right and used that instead. "Am I in trouble?"

"I don't know."

"Is he still mad about the trip?" I hadn't really worried about what was waiting for me at home till about three hours before we were scheduled to land and suddenly, my mind was racing with hundreds of scenarios.

"Yah! You're wasting my daytime minutes," my brother said impatiently.

"But it's Sunday."

"Whatever. Just come and see for yourself," he said before hanging up.

"Is everything okay?" Ryan asked from beside me. We followed the baggage claim sign and went down the escalator.

He was standing a step behind me so I looked up at him. "I think I'm dead."

He rubbed my shoulder reassuringly. "You're probably fine. I bet it won't be as bad as you think."

I'd spent the last thirty minutes of our flight filling him on the weirdness that was my father.

"Like I told you before, he's probably trying hard to reach out to you."

I shrugged and got off the escalator then waited for him so that we could walk in step.

"I don't know what he's doing but he has to be mad about the trip, don't you think?" I asked, wishing for him to disagree with me. Other than blaming it on my mother's oversight, was there a way to spin my refusal to inform him of my trip positively?

"I still can't believe you didn't tell him. Do you want me to come over and protect you?" he said, pumping up his chest like some macho man. I ignored him and walked into baggage claim with my heart still heavy. Just as I was trying to figure out which of the carousels was ours, I spotted my brother standing next to my father.

I quickly said my goodbyes to Ryan then walked over to them. I tried to read my father's mood but was coming up blank and as I got closer to them, began to drag my feet.

"Su Jin ah," my father said, wrapping his arms around me. I looked over his shoulder at my laughing brother in confusion. I couldn't think of a time he'd been so enthusiastic to see me. "I missed you, my dear daughter. How was your trip?" he asked, letting go of me.

I stood back and studied his face. Was this the kiss before the punch? "My trip was fine. Where's Umma?"

The smile on his face disappeared momentarily before returning just as quickly. "She's decided to extend her stay a bit. She should be returning in a few weeks."

"I see." I didn't know what to say to that and even though I was surprised, I really shouldn't have been, considering the way my parents had been in the last few weeks.

"So," my father said, hugging me again. Even though he wasn't that much taller than I was, he was wider and having him hug me so much felt very strange. Hugging him back would have felt even stranger so I didn't.

My father looked up at the screen above the carousel we were standing in front of. "I don't think this is for your flight…. Oh," he said, pointing at one at the other side, "United 210? Su Jin, let's go there." He picked up my hand luggage and led the way.

I hung back to talk to my brother. "Did you get in trouble for not telling him about my trip? Has he said anything?" When I called my brother to inform him that I'd arrived safely in Los Angeles, there hadn't been any development in that arena but I figured that in 5 days, my father must have said something.

He shook his head. "I thought he would have but nothing. I think Umma's call might have mellowed him down or something."

I raised my brow. That didn't make sense. "She's not going to be here for Christmas?"

He shook his head.

I sighed. "That sucks. I'm going to spend my holidays in Hell."

"Au contraire, my sister. I've been going out every night and he's cool with it."

"No way. Are you serious?" It was truly shocking as my father ignored that my brother was a college student and even though he had far more freedom than I did, he still didn't live like a regular American 18 year old. "But I'm sure it's going to be different with me," I grumbled.

My brother shrugged. "You can't be to—"

"Hey kids," my father's yelled, interrupting my brother. Instead of reprimanding us for standing back, he cheerfully waved for us to join him. "Come here so we don't miss your bag, Su Jin."

I looked at my brother. Was it possible that my father had had a lobotomy?

***

Sue Jean Oh: You're making me hungry.

Missing My Soul: Haha. Well, too bad. Maybe next year, Umma will cook for you too.

Since I wanted to somehow celebrate Christmas with Min Ki, I'd woken up early to chat with him. For some reason, we were no longer speaking as much as we used to and when I realized that I hadn't even called or emailed him while I was in Los Angeles, I knew that I had to make more of an effort to keep in touch.

Sue Jean Oh: I wonder what my mom is doing now. She'll probably call soon or maybe my father will call her.

Missing My Soul: Are you sure you don't want me to check up on her?

The last time I spoke to my mother, she'd told us that she was staying at our home, sorting some things out with her clinic and some other things she didn't really get into. She'd been a little vague about her reasons for staying in Seoul longer so I'd begun to feel quite uneasy about the whole thing. It was our first Christmas apart and I really missed her presence.

Sue Jean Oh: Don't worry. I am sure she's fine.

I heard a knock at my door. "Come in," I yelled.

Sue Jean Oh: Oppa, hold up. Someone is at my door.

My brother walked in with a wrapped gift in his hand.

"Yay." I clapped. I moved my laptop aside and got off my bed. "Oppa, you didn't have to," I said, standing up.

"I didn't," he replied before handing the gift to me.

I took the somewhat heavy box and looked at him inquisitively. "This isn't from you?"

He shook his head. "It's from that guy you're always hanging out with."

"Ryan?"

"Whatever his name is. He caught me like two weeks ago when I came to pick you up and told me not to give it to you till today."

"Really?" My heart warmed even further as I shook the box, trying to guess what it was. "I wonder what he got me."

My brother looked over at my computer. "Are you chatting with Min Ki?"

I nodded, still shaking the box around.

"And you're standing here so happy about some gift from another guy?" he said rather spitefully.

I frowned. Why was this guy trying to stomp on my joy? "What are you trying to say?"

"Don't play dumb. Anyway, what's in the box?"

I hid it behind me and held the door open for him. "None of your business. Thanks for bringing it, though," I said, smiling again. I always loved receiving presents and this was no exception.

As soon as I shut the door behind him, I attacked the box and unwrapped it. In it were about ten or so CDs stacked up and tied in the bow. Even without untying it, I could already see my image on the CD jacket. But not just my image but the image. The one from that special scene in the movie where our song begun to play. The background was black which make my face pop out even more.

Underneath the stack was a sheet of paper from the Copyright Office in Washington, DC.

I put my hand on my chest to steady myself then sank to my bed. It was in fact what I thought it was. I impatiently removed the bow and picked up one of the CDs and tried to calm myself as I read, "You and me by Su Jin Oh," written at the bottom right corner of it.

I turned over the very professional looking case and according to the contents, there were three versions on it: the original, the instrumental and the remix.

I fell on my bed --back first-- while holding onto the CD in my hand as I stared at myself looking more beautiful than I did on screen. In the grand scheme of things, one might not consider it an amazing present but as my eyes teared up, all I could think of was that even though I hadn't realized it before, it was exactly what I had wanted for Christmas.

***

"Hey," I said as I approached Ali and a bunch of people I didn't know. My brother had been right about my father's craziness extending to me because when I decided to try my luck to see if he'd allow me to spend some evenings away from home, after getting the details of my whereabouts, he let me do as I pleased. He even extended the curfew I'd had in Seoul so I was now allowed to stay out till 10:30pm. I did later regret not testing my luck even further by asking if I could stay out till midnight, but at the time, I'd been so surprised that I was beyond over the moon about it.

"Go and get your bowling shoes," Ali said from James' lap.

I shook my head. "I'm not going to bowl - I really suck at it. I'm just going to watch." Besides, how much fun would it be to embarrass myself in front of a bunch of strangers?

"Ryan," Ali called, looking behind her. I followed her eyes and saw that he was sitting with what I assumed was the other team. "She says she's not going to bowl."

Standing up, he waved his greeting to me. Then he turned to her. "So why are you telling me this?"

"Just make her bowl, okay? You need an extra person on your team and she's all your getting."

He shook his head. "Oh, so we get stuck with the person who obviously doesn't want to play?" Then he frowned and walked over to me. "And as for you, let's get you some shoes."

***

I watched in anticipation as the bowling ball went down the lane. "Yay!" I screamed. For the first time in 5 bowls, I hadn't made a gutter ball. It felt pretty cool to see those three pins falls shortly after the ball hit them.

I spun around and did a little jig. I pointed at Ryan. "I bet you're so happy I'm on your team," I said laughing. Even though it was embarrassing to be so bad at the game, it was hilarious to see Ryan get more and more frustrated as I kept getting gutter balls.

For some reason, his annoyed face tickled me to no end so I'd begun to enjoy pissing him off.

I picked up the smallest bowling ball and stuck my fingers in the holes. I lifted it up and down a few times then released it on the lane. "I can't look!" I turned around dramatically. "Someone should tell me if I hit anything," I said, listening to the sound of the heavy ball rolling down the wooden lane.

"Hey, you hit two pins," a male voice said from behind me.

I turned around to see James smiling at me. Even though he and Ali were dating, we barely spoke as we really didn't have that much to say to each other. "Oh, cool."

As I walked back to my team's bench, he followed me. Curious, I walked slowly as I waited to see what would happen next. He watched me sit down then sat next to me.

"My friend thinks you're cute," he said, pointing at a guy with a short crop sitting at the edge of the opposite bench. The guy looked at me and smiled.

After the second of my gutter balls, he'd been the only person on Ali's team to encourage me every time it was my turn to bowl. He was a little chubby but not distractingly so and from what I'd seen so far, appeared to have a lively personality. In another world, I wouldn't have been offended by his attraction to me.

"Didn't Ali tell you? I have a boyfriend," I whispered to him.

"But she said you're not with the Ryan guy."

Gosh. "Yeah, but my boyfriend is in Korea."

"Oh. Well," he said, stuffing a piece of paper in my hand. "If you're ever free, that's my friend's number. His name is Steven."

A few minutes later, it was my turn once again but unfortunately, this time, I broke my two-bowl streak of non-gutter balls.

Everyone on Ali's team cheered except for Steven who told them to shut up. "Su Jin, why don't you let me teach you?" he said, standing up and walking over. "It's really not that hard."

"It's okay." I smiled at him appreciatively. "Maybe if I prayed a little harder, I'll hit a strike this time," I joked.

"No, all you need is a little lesson," he said, coming closer to me.

"Hey," I heard Ryan say. I turned around to find him walking to us. "Are you trying to sabotage us or something? I can't trust you. Why should someone from the other team try to help us?"

Steven shrugged. "Because none of you were doing it?"

"It's okay," he said, standing between us. "I'll teach her."

Then he turned his back to him and frowned at me. "Are you sucking on purpose?"

"Of course not."

"For real?" he asked skeptically.

I looked at him incredulously. "Yes, for real."

He laughed. "You must be faking it – you can't be this bad."

I sent him a blank look.

"Alright," he said picking up a ball and showing it to me. "You have to hold it this way. It's also good to bend your knees like this."

I mimicked his stance. "Like this?"

"Is this going to take all day?" Ali yelled. "You guys realize that we're in the middle of the game and more importantly, that we're kicking your butts?"

Ryan rolled his eyes. "Ignore her. Where were we?" He looked at the position I was holding then dropped the bowling ball in his hand and walked over to stand behind me. I ignored the sudden change of my entire being and tried to concentrate on the lesson.

Then he aligned his body with mine and held onto my right hand. Then he swung it a few times, showing me the how to swing the ball.

About a minute later, armed with my new tips, I held the ball, bent my knees and swung my arm as he suggested, said a little prayer then released the ball. But a few seconds later, the ball rolled off the lane and into the gutter.

"You're hopeless," Ryan said from behind me and everyone erupted in laughter. Including me.

***

It was a few minutes to ten on a Sunday morning so I led my family into our church and while searching for a pew, saw that Ryan and his family were already there. Luckily, there was no one sitting to the right of him so I decided that three of us could fit in the remaining space.

"Hey," I whispered as soon as I sat next to him. I took my coat off and placed it along with my purse between us then made the sign of the cross. After making sure neither of my brother's or father's feet were in the way, I put down the kneeling stool.

"So what—"

His words were cut short by the look I gave him. "Can't you see that I'm about to pray?" I mouthed. When I was done, I sat back on the bench and hit him with the bulletin to get his attention. "Have you been here long?" I whispered, leaning into him.

He shook his head and whispered back, "No. But why is it so hot in here?" He fanned himself with his copy of the Sunday bulletin. "Shouldn't they be trying to conserve energy?"

"It's not that bad. Maybe you're having hot flashes," I teased.

Just as he was about to respond, the priest arrived and we all rose.

We sat through mass and didn't say anything to each other till right after the priest's homily.

"Did you understand anything he said?" he whispered as we stood up to say The Apostles' Creed.

I shook my head. "I thought it was only me. So you didn't understand what he said either?"

"No. I think he's Russian or something. If only we could read along like we did the readings."

I was about to say something else when my brother elbowed me and gestured for me to shut up.

I tried my best to concentrate on the rest of mass and didn't say anything else to Ryan till the collection basket got to him and I saw him put in two quarters.

I put my dollar into the basket then told the usher to hang on for a minute so I could grab another dollar. I grabbed Ryan's hand, ignoring his look of surprise, stuffed the money into it, then moved his hand to the basket and released the cash in it.

"What was that about?" he said as he watched usher move the basket away.

"You want to go to hell for being stingy?" I whispered. "Fifty cents? Can you see anyone else giving only coins? Instead of thanking me, you're looking at me like that. Just look ahead and pray. Dumbass trying to go to hell for being a cheapskate. I can't believe you were only going to give 50 cents," I hissed.

He kept looking at me strangely before turning his attention back to the altar.

"Damn all these beautiful girls they only wanna do you dirt," Ryan began to sing about twenty minutes later as we walked out of the church building after mass ended.

After making sure that my father's attention had been engaged by another churchgoer, I poked his back. "Is that what you should be singing at church?"

He looked around the open space. "I'm not in church."

"It's still the church compound so you should respect it. You should be singing, 'Showers of blessing, showers of blessing we need,'" I sang. I would have continued to sing if I didn't see him struggling to hide his laughter.

I kicked the sand in front of him. "What's funny?"

He turned around and chuckled again.

I put my hands on my waist. What was so funny? I walked around him so we were face to face again. "Yah! What's so funny?"

He pointed at me and laughed. "You're funny. You may not realize this but you sounded like a frog in there." He put his finger in his right ear. "Now I think I'm going deaf."

I rolled my eyes and pretended to yawn, "Tell that to someone who isn't a professional singer. Or have you forgotten who's got her own single?"

"I'm dead serious. You sound good solo but when you sing alone," he looked at me in horror, "it's disaster."

I elbowed him. "No, it's not."

"Yes, it is."

"Is not."

"Is too."

We probably would have kept on forever if my brother hadn't yelled my name.

"Oppa, we're in church, stop screaming!" I yelled back.

"It's time to go home."

I gave Ryan a quick hug and told him I'd see him later.

When I got to my brother, he watched Ryan walk to his family then turned to me. "I hope you've flirted enough for today."

I rolled my eyes and walked ahead of him. "I wasn't flirting."

"Yes, you were. Su Jin ah," he said, taking me by my upper arm. I stopped walking and turned to look at him. "What?"

He took his hand off me and said, "Have you broken up with Min Ki yet?"

I frowned at him. "Why would I do that?"

"Because you're now with that other guy?" he said nodding in the direction Ryan and I had been standing. "Do you think you're a two-timer now?"

I hissed and started walking again. "What are you talking about?"

"I'm not blind, okay? If you're still with Min Ki, stop whatever is going on with you and this guy."

"Nothing is going on with us – we are just friends."

"Who do you think you're lying to, Su Jin? You'd better be careful before somebody gets hurt."

Chapter 27

2010-12-03T09:00:00.000-08:00

Since my father had asked to take a look at my photos from LA, I'd uploaded them to my computer and was going through them to pick out a good selection for him. One thing I realized was that even though I felt so lonely on the trip, I had taken pictures not only with Ryan and Jonathan, but also Ali and a host of others. Maybe I really hadn't been as isolated as I thought I was.

The slideshow arrived at a group photo we'd taken on Rodeo Drive so I paused it to take a closer look. I hissed when I saw my hair but the one lesson I'd learned from looking at my photos was that I had to carry a scrunchy around if I didn't want to look like Medusa. My eyes fell on Ryan and I smiled because he was sporting what had become his signature uninterested look. Then the smile faded when I noticed that Holly was smiling up at him.

Since we'd been hanging out over our holidays, he hadn't mentioned her, nor had I asked but I was very curious.

I hit play and tried to watch the rest of the slideshow but now my mind was filled with my curiosity about them. Towards the end of the show, my phone rang. I looked at the caller-id and smiled. "Hey, I was just thinking about you."

"Is that a good or a bad thing?" Ryan asked.

I laughed. "Very bad. I was just looking at our LA photos and you looked absolutely terrible."

"Well, you have bad taste so it's no surprise you'd think that."

"Whatever. What's up?"

"Nothing much. What are you doing now?"

I put the phone next to my mouse and clicked on it then put it back to my ear. "I just told you – I'm looking at my photos."

"Sounds boring. Wanna come out for a bit?"

"For?"

"With all the after Christmas sales, I wanted to check out some camera equipment."

"Sounds extremely boring."

"That's because you haven't done it with me. I can show you the exciting side of camera shopping."

I let out an exaggerated yawn. "I'm still not convinced."

"I'll buy lunch?" he said hopefully. "And you can order whatever you like."

"Hmm… okay, now we are talking. And I hope you mean a good lunch because I don't want to go to McDonalds."

"I promise. No McDonalds. I don't eat that stuff anyway."

"Right," I said skeptically. "I guess I'll see you in a bit. I'll call you when I'm leaving."

***

"How come I never noticed how cheap you were before?" I asked, looking at his tray. It was bad enough that he claimed that almost all the regular restaurants would be packed because it was lunchtime, but instead of getting a meal like I had, he'd only ordered from the Value menu.

After spending about an hour looking at cameras then about two more just window shopping through the mall, it was time for lunch.

"Not cheap," he said, securing a cover on his cup then poking a straw through it. "I am just careful with money."

"Yeah, whatever." I picked up a fry and bit into it.

We'd ended up at Burger King and after standing in what seemed like a never-ending line, were finally getting the chance to eat.

"Did you take the PSATs?" he suddenly asked.

I shook my head. "No. Why?"

"Ever since the results came out, my father has really been on my case."

"Meaning."

"Meaning that all he talks about are the colleges I should apply to and medical programs and all that bulls.hit. Now I wish I'd failed on purpose just to avoid all this."

"You did well?"

He nodded. Even though he was trying to sound like he was just making conversation, I could tell that he was really bothered.

"So what's the problem?"

"It's just annoying. All I have to hear about is how I owe it to myself to study medicine. That I have the ability and I shouldn't put it to waste. Blah blah blah. I just think he wants a son that's a doctor and I am his last chance. It's really not about me." He picked up his burger then looked at me like he was waiting for my opinion.

But what did I know about what went on in fathers' heads? "What are your brothers studying?"

"Law and engineering."

"Cool. And what do you want to study?"

He shrugged. "I really don't know. I'd planned to go along with this but as senior year approaches, all I can think about is that I really don't want to end up stuck doing what I don't like."

"What about Film Studies?"

He laughed. "That's not even an option. I'll probably get disowned or something."

I chuckled. "You're exaggerating but it'll be easier to argue against medicine if you have something to argue with. And are you sure you're not just rebelling against medicine just because it's something your father wants? There are a lot worse things than being a doctor."

He shook his head. "No. That's not it. I've never once in my life thought, "Gee, it'll be great to be a doctor.""

"Are you sure? You're not just being like Kumar?"

He looked at me in confusion. "Kumar?"

"Harold & Kumar go to White Castle. His father wanted him to study medicine but—" My sentence was cut short by Ryan's sudden burst of laughter.

"What?" He bent his head and laughed some more. "I wouldn't have pegged you as someone who watches that kind of movie."

The way he said it made it sound like an insult. "What kind of movie?"

"You know, silly comedies."

"So what kind of movies do you think I watch?"

"Hey, are you getting angry? I just thought it was a little lowbrow for you."

I nodded knowingly. So that was how it was. "You think I'm a snob."

"No. Okay, I am not going to say anything else because it looks I just keep putting my foot in my mouth," he said, before stuffing his mouth with his burger.

I growled at him but when he swallowed what was in his mouth and started whistling with a very innocent look on his face, I couldn't help but crack a smile.

**

"I don't feel like going home yet," Ryan said as he dragged his feet into Burger King's parking lot.

"Because you don't want to have to hear about Harvard Medical?"

He turned around to face me. "You don't know what it's like."

"Kumar, even though my father isn't pressuring me about college, I do know what it's like to not want to go home. Trust me, if you had to deal with 'Family Time' every Saturday, you wouldn't want to go home either."

He laughed. "True. But you said you haven't had it since he returned from his trip?"

I shook my head. "No. But it'll be interesting to see how he is with my mother around. I don't know. Even though they still talk on the phone, they aren't laughing like they did before she extended her trip."

He put his arm around my shoulder reassuring as we walked towards his car. "Don't worry –it'll be fine."

"I hope so. I just keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. Like, even though I am really enjoying all this freedom and all that, I'm wondering if it's going to last forever."

"Well, just enjoy it for as long as you can and maybe it might last forever."

We stopped in front of his car and got in. For some reason, he looked over at me and we shared a warm smile. Then he took out his key and put it into the keyhole. "Why do you have a boyfriend?" he muttered to himself.

I shrugged. It was a question I'd asked myself recently so I was ready with a response. "Because I really liked him and he liked me too so we decided to be together. That's logical, isn't it?"

He nodded slowly, almost like he hadn't been expecting an answer. "I guess so. I'll just let the car warm up a little," he said, turning the engine on. "Is your window wound up to the top?" He reached across my body to check.

I felt my body tense up and before I knew it, I blurted, "Why don't you have a girlfriend?"

"What do you mean?" He slowly moved back to his seat and in the process, brushed my arm. I sucked in my breath and tried not to think of what that little body contact was doing to me.

From the corner of my eye, I could tell that he was fidgety because he reached for the steering wheel then took his hand back.

I looked at the way his jaw tightened and there was something so attractive about it that him not having someone just seemed like a damn waste. "Why don't you have a girlfriend?" I repeated.

"I didn't know that there was a rule saying that I had to have one." His voice had developed an edge.

"I'm not saying that. It's just that I think you'll be a very good boyfriend. You're nice and thoughtful."

"Really?" he asked, not looking at me.

"And cute, too."

"Cute, huh?" He chuckled even though I didn't hear much amusement in it. Was he really getting offended?

"So why aren't you dating anyone? Or do you like someone and you're learning to play the banjos just for her?" I joked.

Apparently, my attempt at humor fell flat because his cheek muscles stayed in place. And that made me even more curious about it.

"Ryan, do you like someone?" Even though I didn't want to, I couldn't help but hold my breath as I braced myself for his response.

"What a question." He scratched his head and looked out of his window.

Meaning? The silence was getting deafening and now I just needed to know the answer.

"You don't want to talk about it?" I asked, noticing that the mood was slowly changing to something more strained.

"What's there to talk about?"

"It's just a question, Ryan. Who do you like?" Me? At the moment I thought that single word, it suddenly clicked. For some strange, inexplicable reason, I really wanted him to say that I was the girl he liked. And not because I needed an ego boost, because I instinctively knew that it was exactly the same way I was beginning to feel about him.

I banged my head against the window as he put on his seatbelt. I had no right to like him. What was wrong with me?

"Are you okay?"

"Yes," I said, sitting up as I watched a black SUV go through the drive thru. Then I glanced at him rummaging through his bag looking for something. Who was I trying to kid? I'd been trying my best to ignore these feelings that had been stirring up inside of me for a while. But instead of them fading away with time, they were just getting more and more intense.

I knew that I shouldn't hang out with him so often – especially alone- but these days, I couldn't not hang out with him. I knew that I shouldn't allow my hormones to rage when he was around. I knew that I shouldn't think of water dripping down his chest. I knew that I shouldn't have anything but platonic thoughts about him. I knew that I shouldn't let my heart flutter when he did something nice. I knew that I shouldn't think about him when he wasn't around, wondering what he was doing.

I knew that I shouldn't be happy whenever he showed interest in only me. Having him focus his attention on only me and teach me how to bowl shouldn't have felt so nice.

He was just a friend. Just a friend. Just a friend.

It had to stop and I really had to get off my ass and do something to nip this thing between us in the bud. Even though I suspected that it had long since passed that stage. But regardless, it had to be stopped. Getting him a girl was the best option but if she took him away from me, would I have to start all over again and try to make some new friends? Was that really what was stopping me? Or did I just want him all to myself? What was wrong with me? Why didn't I want to give him up even though I knew it was impossible?

"Ready to go now?" he asked.

I nodded without looking at him. Then I shut my eyes as I heard him hit the gas. He was just a guy. Just a guy. Just a guy. I already had a guy who loved me and that was the only person I was supposed to think about. It wasn't his fault that we were thousands of miles apart and it wasn't his fault that he wasn't around to spend time with me. He'd never done anything to offend me and didn't deserve to have his girlfriend's mind traveling elsewhere.

Even if it was difficult, even if it would hurt me in the end, I had to stop this thing between us from getting bigger than it had to be. But I only hoped that it wasn't too late.

Chapter 28

2010-12-02T16:26:00.000-08:00

I was back in school and when I shut my locker door and looked up, I saw Ryan walking down the hall. He was chatting and laughing with one of his friends and even though he wasn't looking at me, I felt a smile creep up to my face. The more he laughed, the more I smiled. Gosh, how cute was he? Then I realized what I was thinking and wiped that thing of my face. God, what was wrong with me?

"Hey," he said, waving at me. He said something to his friend then jogged over.

For some reason, the image of him in his towel shot through my mind and my tummy did a very quick flip flop. My legs suddenly felt weak so I leaned against my locker to steady myself. I'd never hated Jonathan as much as I did at that very moment. If he hadn't barged into my room would that image have ever got the chance to torture me? Okay, this had got to stop.

Was there a pill I could take to end the madness? Now that I'd decided to fight whatever was going on inside of me, all I'd done was think about him. All. The. Time. And now that I saw him walk towards me, the internal fight between joy and despair was taking a physical toll on me. Snap out of it, Su Jin!

"Are you okay?" He put his hand on my head and brushed my hair.

I slapped his hand away then turned around. "I'm fine." I really didn't want him to see me blush.

"Hey, are you okay?" The worry thickened in his voice. "What's—"

"Congrats to you two!" a female voice interrupted him.

I turned to see a girl from one of my classes giving us the thumbs up. I looked at Ryan. "Congratulations for what?"

He shrugged. "I have no idea."

"Hey, am I interrupting?" Gina, the girl who owned the locker Ryan was leaning on said. I hadn't even noticed that she was standing there.

Ryan apologized then stepped away from her locker.

She unlocked it, took out her books then winked at me. "Okay, you guys can get back to doing what you were doing."

"We weren't doing anything."

She laughed. "I bet you weren't. But don't mind me. See you later."

For the next few minutes, as we walked towards the classrooms, most people kept congratulating us or sending us knowing looks.

As I tried to figure out what the hell was happening, a thought occurred to me. "Do you think there's something about us on the notice board?"

He thought about it. "I don't know but why don't we check it out?"

Even though the school bell sounded, we still decided to make a quick stop at the board. Amongst the ads, gossip, permanent classified ad from Pete, we found this:

Congratulations to Brighton's newest 11th grade couple. Word on the street is that Su Jin spent the night in Ryan Cho's bed. Why else would she have been seen creeping out of his hotel room in the middle of the night? And they say Paris is the city of love. Congratulations and you guys make such a cute couple.

***

"So what exactly were you doing in his room?" Lisa asked. Like I often did, I was having lunch with Ali and her friends and after explaining that the rumor was false, for some reason, they all refused to believe that absolutely nothing had happened.

"Why don't you ask your friend," I said, pointing at Ali, "what Jonathan was doing in our room? Then maybe you'll understand that I got kicked out of my room in the middle of the night and had to go to Jonathan's. So technically, I was creeping out of Jonathan's room and not Ryan. Why did they have to skew it like this? I'm sick of this stupid school!"

I was beyond annoyed by the whole shenanigans. There I was, trying my best to forget the way I felt about Ryan but everywhere I went, they just had to bring him up. And for what? It wasn't like I'd gone to his room on my own freewill. I'd been kicked out and in the end, no one had written anything about Ali and Jonathan, which, as far as I was concerned, was far juicier. No-o. They preferred to fabricate some bulls.hit about me! I removed my couple ring from the keychain and forced it on my finger.

"Look, look," I said, displaying it for them to see, "I have a boyfriend. And he gave this to me. His name is Min Ki and not Ryan so you all need to stop saying this crap!"

"Hey, don't be so mad," Ali said, "it's just that they see your chemistry. So everyone assumes that you're dating. But what's the big deal? You know you guys look good together," she said with a smile and a wink.

"Why don't you just shut the fu.ck up, Ali? You're not helping matters much. You know I have a boyfriend; you know that Ryan and I are nothing but friends; you know that he pretty much spent the entire week with Holly but instead of standing up for me, you're fanning the flames. What kind of friend are you anyway?"

Not interested in a response, I picked up my tray of uneaten food and stood up. "You know what? I'm not even hungry anymore so whatever. Bye."

***

Not having anything to do and trying my best to stay out of everyone's way, I went to the computer room to check my email. After reading some messages from my friends, I clicked on the one sent by Min Ki.

Date: 15 Jan 23:18:47
From: "Ha Min Ki"
Subject: Guess

To: "Oh Su Jin"

Jinnie,

Are you sitting down? Well, I guess you are since you're reading this. Take a deep breath. Are you ready?

I am coming to America.

Did you get that? I'm coming to America. I think I might have mentioned it in passing before but I've been applying to several schools in the U.S. and I am coming to one!

My heart thumped as my head raced with a million thoughts. He was coming over? What about his dreams of attending Korea University?

And it gets better. My father managed to help me get a scholarship at his friend's company so they'll be paying for my first year. Depending on my grades, they'll sponsor the remaining three years but the catch is that I'll have to work with them for at least four years. But that's great, right? I already have a job secured after graduation. I still don't know which school I'll be attending because I've only been accepted by one school but from what I read, it's not very good.

Oh, the only problem is that I don't think their monthly stipend will cover my room and board so I still need some additional funding. Now, here's the other news: I'm going to be in the States at the end of February! I just got my acceptance letter today! I signed up with an agency here which helps place students interested in working abroad. I'm going to be working at a boy's boarding school in Fremont County, Wyoming and even after school closes, I still get to work there because they host a summer camp every year.

So guess who's coming to town? Hahaha. I am so happy!

I can already imagine your face right now. You're a little scared, perhaps worried that I might be taking a drastic step but the truth is that I really miss you and want to be with you. Not everyone is as lucky as us to have found each other at such a young age. Plus, I think it'll be a good experience to study abroad. I really don't want to go to the school that's accepted me (and I won't tell you which because I feel it will be embarrassing) but even if I don't get into one I want, I can come back to Korea. Instead of disenrolling from Korea University, I deferred my entry by a year just to keep that option open.

So don't worry – I've already thought of everything and even if things don't go on as I planned, we'll at least be able to see each other a bit. How far is Wyoming from Virginia? Not too far, I hope.

Missing you as always,

Oppa.

"Boo!"

I jumped out of my chair. I'd been so engrossed in reading Min Ki's letter a third time that I hadn't heard any footsteps behind me.

"Are you okay?" Ryan asked, sitting next to me.

At that moment, my stomach growled and seeing him reminded me of why I was so hungry. I frowned as I looked away from him. "Don't sit next to me. Go and sit somewhere else."

"Why?" he asked while staying put. He logged on to the computer and waited for the screen to change.

I clicked on the reply button and tried to figure out how to respond to Min Ki. "Ryan, aren't you sick of the rumors?"

"There's nothing we can do so just ignore them."

"Ignore them? Ignore them? How can I ignore them when everywhere I go, people are giggling, giving me the thumbs up, winking at me and all that crap? In all my life, I've never been the subject of gossip the way it's been here. And it's not like it's good gossip like…" I tried to think of something good but nothing was coming to mind. "… good like, whatever, I won the lottery or whatever but it's all linked to guys! Me, of all people! Jonathan this, Ryan that and the whole time, I've been dating the someone else. It's just so ridiculous."

"Hey, lower your voice."

"I'm just so sick of everything. It's a good thing, Min Ki oppa is coming and hopefully, when everyone sees us together, this will all stop." I really couldn't wait for all the gossip to end. And for my heart to settle.

"You're coming to America? I'm very surprised, Oppa. I can't believe you didn't tell me!" I typed.

"He's coming here?"

I nodded. "Yes."

"When?"

"I think next month."

"He's coming to our school?"

I shook my head. "No. He's going to be working at a school in Wyoming."

"Wyoming?"

"Yeah…"

I deleted the sentences I'd written and wrote, "Wow, Oppa, that's some amazing news!" Then I deleted it and sighed.

"Oppa! You're coming? How long have you been planning this for? Why didn't you ask me what I thought? Don't you think it's a bit much? What if we don't work out? Are you willing to take that risk??"

I felt a lump in my throat as I re-read the last two sentences then erased them. Then I erased everything else.

"Su Jin, are you listening to me?"

I glanced at him then looked back at the computer screen. "Sorry, what did you say?"

"I said that it's great news and that I'm sure you're very happy."

"Yeah, definitely." But was I really? I was still yet to digest the news. An hour earlier, I didn't think I'd get to see him for years but suddenly, he was coming in a few weeks?

I minimized the page, opened up another Internet Explorer browser and opened the Google page. Where in the world was Wyoming, anyway?

***

I waved at Yvette as she pulled her car into the parking lot. Operation Get-Ryan-A-Girl had begun and she was my one and only candidate. Luckily, she was up for anything so it hadn't taken much to get her to agree to the set up.

With Min Ki coming to the States, I really needed to sort out my feelings quickly because that guy just had a way of reading me and if he saw me, he'd be able to tell that my heart was unsettled. I was never the kind to lust after someone else's guy so if Ryan was taken, I was certain that all my confusion would disappear.

As soon as Yvette stepped out of her car, I gave her a quick hug. She hadn't dressed to kill but she did look cute. She was wearing dark brown high heeled boots under dark jeans with a dark red trench coat to keep her warm. Her hair was in loose curls and her face bare other than a hint of eyeliner and some lip gloss.

"You look nice," I said, giving her my stamp of approval. "Nice bag."

"Thanks," she replied, holding the faux snakeskin purse up. "I borrowed it from my mom."

"Cool." After locking her car, we walked towards the back entrance of the mall. "Ready?"

She nodded. "But," she said, grabbing my hand to get me to stop walking.

"What?"

She leaned in conspiratorially. "You're sure about this?"

I nodded. "Of course."

"And you're ready for the repercussions, whatever they might me?"

"Pssh," I scoffed. "What do I have to worry about? You're the one who should be worrying about falling in lurrrve. In all seriousness, he's a really nice guy."

"Alright," she said as she started to walk again. "I hope it ends well. It had better not end like Mujhse Dosti Karoge where Rani begged Kareena to date Hrithik but later on, Hrithik caught on because it was Rani he really loved. And in the end, Hrithik and Rani got married on Kareena's wedding day. You're not going to show up at my wedding and marry my groom instead of me, are you?"

I was about joke that she was nuts till I looked at her facial expression and saw that she was dead serious.

I sighed to myself and prayed that Ryan liked slightly off girls. "Don't worry, Yvette. I promise not to do that."

Chapter 29

2010-12-01T20:09:00.000-08:00

"So what do you guys want to watch?" I asked the gang as we waited in line to buy our tickets.

Ali shrugged. She was standing in front of Ryan and behind James. "Whatever. I don't really care as far as it's not gory. I don't want to throw up on poor James here," she joked.

"You can throw up all you want on me," he said with a wink.

Ryan turned to me and made a face.

I laughed and glanced back at Yvette who was standing behind me. Ever since we'd gotten in line, I'd wanted to switch places with her so that they could start getting to know each other better but I thought it would be too obvious.

"Yvette, I bet you wouldn't care what movie we saw as far as it was romantic, right?" I teased.

She playfully tapped my shoulder. "Hey, don't me make sound like such a sap."

I laughed. "Ryan likes romantic stuff too."

He turned around with a raised brow. "I do?"

I nodded. "Yeah. Yvette, did I ever tell you that Ryan enjoyed making movies?"

I could see her shake her head from the corner of my eye. "No, you didn't. Ryan, what kinds of movies do you like making?" she asked, sounding very interested. I could already tell that she wasn't disappointed with the way he looked and I was glad to get her stamp of approval.

"Su Jin is exaggerating—"

"Hey, Ryan, why don't I exchange places with you so that you can tell her all about it?" I asked, not waiting for him to respond before switching places.

"Hmm… okay," he said as I slipped in front of him. "It's not like I have a lot to say."

"Yeah, right," I said, slapping his arm playfully. "Movies are your life. You know you can talk about them for days so why don't you give my ears a break and tell her all about it? I'll disturb Ali for a little while."

He gave me a strange look then smiled at her. He shrugged. "I'm not quite sure what to say..."

"Hey," I started to say then stopped when I realized that my pep probably looked as fake as it sounded. "Tell her about our movie."

"Your movie?" Yvette asked before he responded and began to tell her all about the plot.

Ali looked at them and then at me. "Are you up to something?" she whispered.

I shook my head innocently. "Like what?"

I looked back at them. Yvette seemed genuinely interested in what he was saying and there was no way he didn't find her face a little bit pleasant to gaze at. I took two steps as the line moved. They were getting along fine. I was supposed to be glad, right?

***

After getting our tickets, I'd hung back a little so that Yvette would sit next to Ryan and I'd sit at the other side of her. We were a little early so there really wasn't anything on the movie screen yet.

"So, are you excited about seeing the movie?" I asked, nudging Yvette.

"What's so exciting about this movie? Jude Law isn't even in it," Ali complained.

I rolled my eyes even though she wasn't exactly off with her remark. Even though I couldn't care less that Jude Law wasn't one of the actors, it was one of those movies you could predict every single scene from watching the trailers. If I really cared about cool special effects, that would have been the only reason to watch the movie. But we girls decided to allow the guys to pick the movie so we were stuck with hearing canned dialogue for the next two hours.

A few minutes later, of the five of us, only Ali and James were talking -and to each other no less. I looked over at Ryan and Yvette and they both appeared to be concentrating way too hard on their popcorn. I was on a mission so it was time to get things rolling with them again.

"Hey, Yvette, do you know that Ryan plays the piano?"

"Really?" she turned to him. "That's really great, Ryan. Impressive."

"Thanks," he said, looking shy. "It's no big deal."

I tried to read his body language and wasn't quite sure if he was embarrassed because he was sitting next to a girl he was attracted to or he just didn't want the attention on him. So I decided to explore it a bit more.

"You want to know what's so cute about it?" I asked, moving my eyebrows up and down.

"What?" she whispered, leaning to me.

"He learned piano to impress a girl." Ryan looked over at me and widened his eyes to tell me to stop but I ignored him and continued. "Yvette, not only did he do it to impress a girl, he learned to play Britney Spears songs just because he knew she liked her."

"Oh, that's so cute," she said, smiling at him. Then she frowned. "But Britney Spears? That's a little lame."

Even though it was obvious that she was just kidding, something about the somewhat judgemental look on her face annoyed me a little. "Oh, you think that's lame? Ryan, this girl over here," I said, pointing at her with my thumb, "loves Bollywood. Like she's seen every movie or something."

Ryan chuckled then looked over at her. "Yeah, that's quite lame."

"No, it's not. You guys are just so closed minded because you think it's just a bunch of people running around on mountains singing love songs. When you watch a movie like Dil Chahta Hai, where the focus on friendship is just as important as the three romantic stories and other than love, themes such as death, ageism, responsibility," she said, counting them off on her fingers, "are explored, you know it's so much more than just Shah Rukh Khan stalking a girl till she falls in love with him. Hello, not every movie is Dil Se, which was awesome, by the way. Okay, so not everyone likes that movie but anything by Mani Ratnam is brilliant. Or a movie like Saathiya," she said with far more zeal than necessary, "that goes beyond the puppy love story about a cute couple falling in love and actually explores the problems of marriage be it insecurity, feelings of neglect, disrespect, loss of affection, suspicion…."

Ali nudged me but I ignored her. Yvette was probably unaware but anyone watching her from afar would have thought that she was arguing about the merits of civil rights and not Indian movies. I sighed and hid my face to hide my pained expression. Why couldn't she control herself and why the fu.ck had I brought up Bollywood movies in the first place? Stupid, stupid, stupid me! Now if they didn't end up together, it would all be my fault.

"Yeah…" I said, hoping to interrupt and try to salvage the evening but she wasn't interested. Instead, she carried on.

"Oh… oh, yeah, or something like Lagaan which manages to combine romance with politics, colonialism, freedom, sports, of course, the lovely music, O ri chhori," she began to sing. Okay, not just sing, but she was even doing some dance movements with her hands. "O ri chhori, dil se nikle, bol more, Maine pyaar tujhi se hai kiya…."

I was beginning to develop a headache and I could already feel my hands beginning to sweat. What was her problem? I was scared to look at Ryan but I did anyway and when he caught my eye, he gave me a wtf-look. I quickly looked away and pretended that I didn't see it. And just as I was about to take another glance at Yvette crashing and burning, the final trailer on the screen ended.

"Yay. It looks like the movie is starting now," I said, just as Yvette stopped singing.

She nodded at me then took a sip of her drink.

I glanced over at Ryan and saw that his face was now expressionless and when he caught my eye, he didn't do anything.

I leaned back into my chair and asked Yvette if she was okay.

She nodded and smiled, looking like she hadn't been overreacting a few seconds earlier. As the music came on, she whispered something to Ryan and he smiled back at her. Okay, so maybe it had started off a bit strangely, but surely, they could still fall in love. Right?

***

"Su Jin, where are you?" Ryan asked the second I answered his call.

"At home?" I replied, hoping that my voice sounded natural.

"At--" He paused then said, "You're at home?"

"Yeah. My father's making me do some chores. Apparently, we have a lot of sheets that need to be washed. What's up?"

"Did you forget that we were supposed to hang out today?"

The previous day, knowing that Ali and James wouldn't want to spend their Saturday with us, I'd proposed that we all hang out at the mall and maybe see a movie or go to the arcade. "Oh! We were? I'm so sorry. I can't get away now so how about another time?"

"Yvette is here."

"Is she? Oh crap. I really screwed up, didn't I? You can go home or you guys hang out together or something."

"What are you playing at, Su Jin? I thought I made it clear that I wasn't interested."

Well, the previous week, right after the movie had ended and James and Ali had gone off to make out and Yvette had gone to her car, I walked over to the front of the mall and waited for my brother to pick me up. Instead of driving home, Ryan joined me and this was how our conversation went:

Ryan: What was that?
Me (looking innocent): I don't know. You guys picked the movie.
Ryan: Not the movie. Your friend. Is everything alright upstairs?
Me (rolling my eyes): She's just passionate about movies – just like you.
Ryan: She's nothing like me.
Me: I disagree. I think you'll really like her if you get to know her.
Ryan: I'm not interested.
Me: Well, I think she's awesome and what's wrong with making a new friend?
Ryan: Nothing. But…
Me: But what? My brother's car is here. Bye!

So technically, I understood that he didn't want to be fixed up but when she wasn't talking about Bollywood, Yvette could just be the right girl for him. So I decided to give them another push.

"Ryan," I said into the phone, "I'm really sorry. If you want to go home, go. I'm sure Yvette wouldn't be offended. Yes, it would be incredibly rude to just leave her because I'm not there and it wouldn't hurt to hang out with her but I'm sure she wouldn't take it personally. She's cool like that."

"Whatever," he said before hanging up.

***

All packed: I really can't wait to get on that plane.
Match.com: But Wyoming is so far from here. So you'll still be far away.

After googling, I'd had mixed feelings about finding out that it was over a thousand miles away from Virginia but most of it was guilt about the relief I'd felt when I discovered that he wouldn't be so close to me.

All packed: But it's closer than Seoul and even though it's not the same time zone, we won't be too far apart. It'll be easier to coordinate our phone calls and if I get the chance, I can fly over for the weekend or something. Wouldn't that great?
Match.com: Sure
All packed: Jinnie...
Match.com: ?
All packed: Aren't you happy that I'm coming over?

When I read that, my heart started thumping. I wasn't particularly unhappy he was coming over but I just hadn't sorted my feelings yet. Nonetheless, I certainly didn't want him to think that I wasn't over the moon about seeing him again – it wouldn't be fair.

Match.com: Oppa, why would you say something like that?
All packed: It's just something I sensed. I thought you'd be a lot happier. I thought you'd be excited and start making plans for us but you haven't done anything. Aren't you glad I'm coming?
Match.com: I am.
All packed: Are you just saying that or do you really mean it? If you don't want me to come, just say so so that I don't have to change my life around for you. I'm putting such an effort into this and it looks like you don't care. Do you think it's been so easy for me to change everything?

I had a very strong urge to remind him that I'd never asked him to do all of that for me but just as I was trying my hardest to stop myself from typing something I was sure I'd regret, my phone rang.

Match.com: Hold on. Phone. brb
All packed: You're answering your phone now? I can't believe you. Do you still love me?

I probably should have ignored the call but I needed a break from his stress. Besides, I figured that he needed a minute to calm down. I reached over for my phone and looked at the caller ID. "Hey, Yvette. How did it go?"

"Just a tad better than watching paint dry."

"Meaning?"

"Meaning that the best part of the date was the end. No offence but your friend is a huge bore. He just kept moping around saying nothing and every time I was just about to nod off, he'd say something that was even less interesting to hear than silence. How can you like such a person?"

"Are you kidding me?" Why did everyone want to piss me off? "How can you say that? He's so not boring."

"I beg to differ. He might be a nice guy but he could probably single-handedly cure insomnia. Do you know any other guys? Guys that are not like him in any way?"

"Any other guys? I just introduced you to the best guy you'll ever meet and you're asking for other guys? He's good looking, smart, caring, creative, thoughtful...," I began, rattling off all of Ryan's good points. He wasn't perfect but she was in no position to judge. "After all the idiots you've dated, how can't you recognize a gem when you see one? What's wrong with you? He's the kind of guy that—"

"Su Jin," she interrupted, "if you think he's so perfect, why don't you just date him yourself?" She sighed. "Look, I don't have time for this. See you later," she said before hanging up.

Why couldn't I date him myself? I looked at my computer screen and read Min Ki Oppa's last question.

Match.com: Back. You know I do.
All packed: So I should still come?

A lump developed in my throat.

Match.com: Of course you should.
All packed: biggrin.gif Good. Because my ticket is non-refundable. And I'd have been so mad if your feelings had changed. We haven't been apart for so long and you know how much I love you.

***

"Pick up the phone," my brother yelled from the other side of my bedroom door. "Umma wants to talk to you."

Match.com: Oppa, Umma's on the phone so I don't know how long I will be gone for.
All packed: It's okay. I'll talk to you tomorrow. Love you.
Match.com: Bye

"Hello," I said, picking up the extension in my room. "Umma, you're already awake?"

"Yes. How's my baby doing?"

I laughed. I laid down and put my head on my pillow. "Your baby? Umma, I'm old enough to be married in some countries."

She chuckled. "But you're still my baby and always will be even when you're fifty."

I giggled at the image of a grandmother being considered a baby. "I miss you so much."

"Me too. How's everything over there? Are you still enjoying being the woman of the house?"

"Woman of the house my a—" I quickly stopped myself when I realized what I was about to say. "It's okay. What about you? How are you?"

"Good. I'm already getting used to being back here. It's feeling pretty nice," she said with satisfaction.

Her tone sent all sorts of red flags flying in the air so I quickly sat up. "Umma, when are you coming back?"

I waited for a response but all I got was silence. I took a deep breath then repeated my question.

"Su Jin ah…," she said, hesitating.

"Umma…," Her lack of response made me feel very uneasy and my voice had already begun to shake. "Umma, when will you be returning?"

"I don't know," she said breathily.

Panic set in. "What do you mean you don't know? Aren't you coming back soon?"

"I have so many patients to see. Somehow, word got out that I was back and all my old patients are making appointments."

"But you don't work there anymore."

"I know but…"

"So when are you coming back?" A tear escaped my eye. "See your patients really quickly and come back. We really miss you. Will you be coming back soon?"

She was silent for a few moments before saying, "That's not the only thing."

I knew the obvious question to ask but I was scared of what her response would be so all I said was, "I really miss you."

I heard her exhale like she was carrying a very heavy load. "You know I love you and miss you too but your brother told me that you kids are having a good time without me. That your father is being a lot nicer and more loving towards you."

"So?" My hand was shaking and I was finding it difficult to hold the phone steady.

"So don't you prefer it that way? Don't you like your father this way? Dong Won said he now lets you go out with your friends. Don't you like that?"

"I do…"

"But he wasn't like that when I was there."

"Umma…"

"For some reason, your father acts differently when I am around so I just want you children to get to know him without me. Get to love him like other children love their fathers. If this is what it takes for him to treat you this way, then I think it's worth it. Don't you think so?"

"And after he gets to know us, are you coming back?"

"We'll talk about that when the time comes."

The tears had begun to stream freely down my cheeks. Why did it all sound like bullsh.it? "Umma, do you know something? I think you're just saying this so that you can go back to your precious job. If you don't love us anymore, just say so!" I said before hanging up the phone.

I ran over to my computer to see if Min Ki was still logged on but he wasn't. So I sat in front of it and sobbed. What in the world was going on?

***

"What's your problem?" Ryan called after me as I walked to the bus stop. Since my brother's schedule had changed for the new semester, I had to find my own way home.

"What are you talking about?" I asked, not looking back. It was the Monday after speaking to my mother and I hadn't been in the mood for lunch or socializing so I had barely seen him all day.

"You know what I'm talking about! Is that why you've been avoiding me all day? You sat so far away in class. Why are you like this? I already hinted to you that I wasn't interested in getting hooked up but you just couldn't let it go! Why do you have to hold on to some things for dear life? When it's time to let go, let go! Why must to push and push and push? Any idiot on this planet can see that I am not interested in Yvette yet you insist on keeping up with this bulls.hit! I'm so sick…," he said as he kept ranting on.

As he talked, I mentally blocked out his voice and my mind wandered to the conversation I'd had with my mother. What did it mean? That she was leaving us? That she was leaving my father? I definitely didn't want my parents to break up but if they did, I would have chosen to live with her in a heartbeat. But what she'd done, leaving us with our dad while she ran back to Seoul made me feel abandoned. It made me feel like my brother and I weren't even a priority in her life and that at the first chance she got, she picked her career over us.

"Are you even listening to me?" I heard Ryan yell before he grabbed my shoulder and turned me around to face him. His eyes widened in surprise. "Are you crying?"

My mind had wandered so far off that I hadn't even realized I'd been crying. I wiped off my cheek with the back of my hand. "What?" Why couldn't he just leave me the hell alone? Why couldn't everyone just disappear?

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make you cry." He felt his pockets. "I don't have any tissue. I was just angry about what you did but I shouldn't have yelled at you like that."

I rolled my eyes. "Do you think the world revolves around you?"

He looked taken aback my question. "Are you okay?" He reached for my shoulder but I slapped his hand off.

I shook my head and turned around. "It's none of your business."

"Hey," he said in a soft voice as he walked in step me with me. "What's the matter?"

I stopped abruptly and looked at him. "It really is none of your business and I have way too much going on in my life to think about you and your problems."

He raised his left eyebrow. "My problems?"

I sighed. "Not your problem but my problem... with you. I'm so sorry about the whole Yvette thing. I was out of line."

He nodded as a smile tugged at his cheek. "As far as it doesn't happen again…"

"It won't."

"And about what's making you sad… do you want to talk about it?"

"No," I snapped. What would talking do? Would it make my mother get on the first flight to D.C.? "Please forgive me about the whole Yvette thing."

"This is happening a lot differently than I'd expected," he said, with a look of confusion on his face. "I thought you'd argue and try to pretend that you weren't trying to set me up with your friend. Then set me up again next week." He laughed. "And I still don't get why you'd even do that. Do I look that pathetic?" Even though he was smiling, I could see the uncertainty in his eyes.

I hissed and looked away. Everything I'd been stressing about; from my feelings for him to Min Ki's trip suddenly seemed like child's play when I thought about what was going on in my family. And as I stood there, watching him watch me and wait for an answer, everything became crystal clear.

My bus arrived but instead of running up to catch it, I took a deep breath and looked up at him. "You're not pathetic and the whole thing was about me. If you must know, the problem is that I think I like you—"

"Whoa!"

"Let me finish," I urged.

He exhaled audibly. "Yeah, finish but what the hell is going on? I certainly didn't expect to hear that. From you? No way! Not in this century." He smiled. "Wow. I mean, I like you too but are you honestly saying this to me?" he laughed nervously, shook his head then shifted his weight from foot to foot. "Wow. Unbelievable." He grinned then shook his head some more.

I watched his reaction and felt bad because he was obviously not getting it. "Ryan, the thing is, Min Ki Oppa is taking such a huge step because of me. He hasn't been anything but a good boyfriend. He loves me and there's no reason I shouldn't love him back. I don't think that my feelings for him have ever really changed."

The smile on his face disappeared in an instant.

"Something's happened and I have feelings for you that I shouldn't have. You get that, don't you? I just want everything in my life to go back to the way it was a few months ago. Every single thing. So what I am saying is that I'm grateful for how nice you've been to me since I moved here but I don't think we should be friends. Being with you creates confusion that I really don't have the energy to deal with now. I'm sorry about everything and I hope you understand."

After waiting for a few seconds to see if he had any response, I walked over to wait for the next bus. When I looked back about a minute later, I saw him still standing there looking baffled.

Chapter 30

2010-11-30T22:34:00.000-08:00

I stood up when I saw my bus approach. I glanced back to see if Ryan was still standing there but he'd already left. It was funny that I hadn't even heard him leave. I stood behind the short line that had begun to form and after getting on the bus and finding a seat next to a pleasant old lady, I recounted everything that had just happened.

It wasn't that I wanted to hurt him. If anything, I was grateful to him for opening his life and heart to me so generously. Even though I'd met Ali first, he'd been a better friend – one I'd somehow come to care for. And rely on. He wasn't a bad guy and I'd meant everything I'd said to Yvette – he was a great catch. A great catch for someone who wasn't me.

The feelings that I had, the shortness of breath, the sexual attraction, the way he sometimes made me feel when I was around him... what were they really? Being in a committed relationship didn't mean that a switch got turned off and you were no longer able to be attracted to another person, after all, you were still human. It just meant you don't act on it and let it get too far.

And that was what bothered me most about the whole thing. Had I let it get too far? I must have, surely. I wasn't completely idiotic and knew that Ryan was attracted to me. I sometimes caught him looking at me the way Min Ki sometimes did and there was something about his demeanor and the way he talked to me that made it seem that his feelings for me were something above friendship. And perhaps, on some level, I'd encouraged it even though I'd repeatedly mentioned Min Ki as a deterrent. Maybe I liked the way he felt about me.

But then on the other hand, I wasn't quite sure about my feelings for him. Were they real? Or was I just being my stupid self, returning feelings simply because I felt his attraction to me? Without that, would I still be attracted or would it just be friendship? Had I fu.cked this relationship up simply because I was a dumb girl who had to like every guy that liked her back? And did that mean that I was doomed to unhappiness because for the rest of my life I'd have to deal with uncertainty just because I couldn't help but fall for any guy that smiled at me? I couldn't let that be my destiny.

And what did this mean about Min Ki and me? I had the most wonderful boyfriend a girl could dream of, yet, instead of being over the moon about seeing him again, I was unsure. No matter how hard I tried to uncross my brain to figure out exactly how I felt and why, I couldn't come up with anything coherent. As his arrival date approached, the nagging feeling seemed to strengthen and I couldn't even imagine how I'd feel after seeing him again. And if I saw him and realized that I no longer loved him, what kind of person would that make me? And if I wasn't a sadist, after proving that I'm unable to stick to a commitment even with a great guy, why would I want to embark on a relationship with another guy?

I was still contemplating joining a convent to avoid turning into some kind of heartbreaker when the old lady nudged me to excuse her so that she could walk past me. I watched her get off and as the bus pulled away, I saw her hug an equally as old man and smile lovingly at him.

I sat back in my seat and sighed. When I was younger, as I read fairytales and watched Disney movies, I fantasized about living 'happily ever after' with my prince and it scared me to think that it could never really happen for me. How can a sensible girl possibly like two guys at the same time? I wasn't normal.

Regardless of what was wrong with me, I just had to figure out a way to make my life normal again.

***

I woke up the next day scared out of my wits. As I dragged myself out of bed, I couldn't help but feel like I'd somehow been transported back to the first day of school. I was nervous, unsure of what awaited me once I walked out of my house. Since I'd decided to cut Ryan out of my life, did that mean that I was back to Square 1? I wasn't stupid so I realized that no Ryan also meant no Ali so I was mentally preparing myself to be all alone.

My morning classes passed without incident but when lunchtime rolled around, I knew that it was time to face my fears head on. As I walked into the cafeteria, I promised myself that since ditching Ryan meant that I'd have to find a way to thoroughly enjoy my own company, I'd figure out a way to do just that. I wasn't some kind of weak woman who needed friends to survive, was I?

After taking a few steps in, I looked around to see if Ali, Ryan and the rest of their friends were already seated, and it didn't take me long to find them sitting at their usual table. Ali caught my eye and when I saw that my smile was met with a glare from her, I looked away. Oddly, I wasn't hurt but maybe it was because it only seemed natural that she'd immediately take his side.

In an ideal world, I would have loved to explain everything to her but since I was still pretty confused, what exactly could I tell her? Plus, she was more of his friend than she was mine so I really didn't expect her to understand me. My eyes darted over to Ryan and when he caught them, instead of looking away or frowning, he simply smiled. And my heart froze for a second. Not because it had been particularly charming but because I felt so guilty. He liked me and I'd hurt him and yet he wasn't being a bas.tard about it. What planet was he from?

After getting my lunch of chicken salad and some bread, I walked over to a table with some faces I recognized. For a fleeting second, I'd thought of sitting with the Prada Bit.ches but considering my brother's relationship with Seung Mi had already arrived at its natural end, I couldn't imagine that I'd be welcome. Another fleeting second, I thought of sitting by myself but how would that make things normal? That would only make it look like there was something wrong.

"Do you guys mind if I sit here?" I asked as soon as I arrived at the table. Two of the girls – Nancy and Rachel– were in my math class and even though we'd yet to have philosophical discussions about Kafka, we were cordial to each other in class so I hoped that they'd be the same outside of class.

"Sure," one of the girls I didn't know said. "We're talking about Di.ck In A Box," she said, giggling.

I raised my brow and sat down. "Di.ck In A Box?" I repeated.

Nancy laughed and nodded. "Yeah, Di.ck In A Box. With Justin Timberlake. Haven't you heard it?"

***

My modified life had already begun to settle into a routine. It was amazing how the mind worked. After deciding that I no longer wanted to see Ryan, I really wasn't seeing him. Even in the classes we were both in, I noticed than other than acknowledging him at the beginning of class, I promptly forgot about him. So outside of studying, watching television and transforming myself into someone who had lunch with different groups of people everyday, I barely had time to think about my screwed up romantic life. But when the lights were off and I tossed and turned, trying to get to sleep, all I could think about was my mother.

"You have to talk to her," Min Ki said from the other end of the phone line.

It was a little over a week since I'd had a real conversation with my mother. Other than saying "Hello," I had nothing else to say. I just couldn't believe how cruel and selfish she was being. If her patients were dying, and she was the only person on the planet who could save them, it would make sense. But the way it was, with her staying back because she could be a doctor and using my father as an excuse, infuriated me.

"What is there to talk about? She doesn't want to come back. I can't force her," I reminded him.

"Do you want me to go and see her? She's staying at your house, right?"

"No." It wasn't the first time he'd suggested it and even though it was sweet, I knew it wouldn't work. "She'll probably get mad. Do you think they are going to get a divorce?"

"She said she's not, didn't she?" he said softly.

"But what she said doesn't make sense. There has to be a more logical reason."

"Have you talked to your father about it?"

"What do you mean?"

"I don't know, asked him if he agreed to this or why he acts differently when she was around, or if he wants a divorce?"

I grunted. Even though my father was still being nice to us, cooking and telling silly stories, we still weren't entirely comfortable with him. It just meant that we'd become used to walking as if on egg shells and since my brother and I were enjoying our newly-found freedom, it also meant that we weren't going to do anything to try to jeapardize it. There was still something artificial about it and asking him a question that might infuriate him had the potential to change things back to the way they once were. And I certainly didn't want that.

"The next time your mother calls, try to talk to her. Try to understand her. She's been your mother for almost seventeen years and in all that time, has she ever tried to hurt you?"

I grudgingly said that she hadn't.

"So talk to her. And when you do, try to listen. Don't just jump into conclusions and assume that she's just looking for an excuse to be away from you. When someone loves you, do you know how hard it is to be away from you?" he said in his flirtatious voice.

I laughed. "Whatever, Oppa."

"I'm dead serious. Maybe it's a little different for you because you left so everything is different but for me, it's almost as if a part of me is gone."

I hissed. "Stop exaggerating."

"I'm being very serious." And he sounded it. "When you left, I still attended the same school, wore the same clothes, lived in the same house but something was missing. It was like you'd taken a part of me with you. Imagine losing your arm, or your leg or your sight. A part of you is gone and you will always miss it. Even if you get used to it and figure out a way to live your life regardless --maybe with the help of crutches or an artificial arm-- you still won't be the same. Because you're not whole. Do you understand what I mean?"

I thought back to how I'd been the last few weeks and sincerely hoped that he was wrong. If you couldn't get used to the new you so much that you didn't miss the old version of yourself, how could a person truly move on? But I could tell that he really wanted me to agree with him, so I did.

"But in a little over a week, I think I might feel more whole. Not completely, but being closer to you should help."

***

Another week passed and just as I was really getting used to being the social butterfly that was making friends with everyone in my year, I got a reminder email in my inbox. Apparently, the results of the Zoetrope short film contest were about to be released and I'd put it on my calendar. Of course, that only brought back memories of walking down the streets of Virginia and D.C. laughing and filming, of me writing lyrics and singing as Ryan played the keyboards. Getting that email really didn't help in my quest for a different me, and even though I was quite sure that we hadn't placed in the contest, I couldn't help but hold onto a glimmer of hope.

So shortly after school closed, instead of being a good girl and heading back home, I decided to go and check the results. I walked into the building and when I was looking around, trying to figure out where the blasted thing would be posted, my eyes fell on a back that I immediately recognized as Ryan's.

Unintentionally, I stayed rooted in the spot and could already feel my heart beating faster. It only made sense that he'd also be curious about the film, after all, he'd made the darned thing. But it annoyed me that even though I'd thought of him, I hadn't really thought of him and the high likelihood that he, too, would show up at the Institute. If I'd considered it, I would have shown up another day instead of risking running into him like that.

"Miss, are you going in or not?" an irritated voice said from behind me. I quickly stepped aside and apologized to the man for blocking his way. Then I straightened my back and walked over to the board. Even though I'd considered turning around and leaving, I decided that I wasn't a coward and just because we couldn't be friends didn't mean that he no longer ceased to exist. So, of course, we'd run into each other once in a while. It wasn't a big deal. And I could handle it.

As I approached the board, the other people standing there left so he was the only one still standing there when I finally reached it. Even though I didn't want to, I couldn't help myself so before looking to see if that was where the results were posted, I glanced at him and saw that he had a very dreamy and silly look on his face.

Something about that tickled and excited me so I quickly looked around the posted notes till I found the one announcing the results. And there in third place read, "Boomerang by Ryan Cho." I didn't even know that he'd changed the title.

As if I'd suddenly been kicked in the gut, I doubled over to catch my breath. What the hell? My face was going to be seen by Francis Ford Coppola? We'd won? Okay, not won but we'd placed?!?! How? My braincells were working at a million miles a minute. And quickly, the feelings of disbelief were being replaced by joy. We'd done it! Ryan was not a quack! WOW!

I felt Ryan stir beside me and heard him gasp as if he'd only just realized that I was there. As I was getting up, I heard someone from behind us ask, "Are you Ryan Cho?"

Happier than I'd been in weeks, I turned around to find an older man looking at him curiously. Then he looked at me then broke into a smile. "Yes, you must be Ryan Cho! And that's your beautiful actress," he said, walking over to me and shaking my hand. "What's your name?" After I told him, he said, "My name is Alfred Banes and I was one of the judges for this competition. Congratulations."

Ryan shook his hand vehemently and thanked him. It was quite obvious that he, too, couldn't believe it. I wanted to pat his back and tell him that I'd always believed in him but the man began to talk. He expressed how much he enjoyed our film then suddenly, he moved much closer to us and said, "You want to know the funniest thing?"

Ryan nodded and subtly stepped back. From where I was standing, I couldn't tell if the man had funky breath but really, he'd been standing for too close for a stranger.

"One of the judges was adamant that it was the same old cliché story about immigrating to America in the search for the promised land but I knew better," he said proudly.

Ryan glanced at me and I glanced back and hid a smile. I found it funny that the first time we were really acknowledging each other that day was to share a secret look.

"That film was about puberty, and adulthood," he continued. "Children are always eager to grow up, constantly rushing. You can see from the way they talk, dress, act… you know?"

We both nodded.

"I loved how you showed the evolution. The first ounce of freedom a child gets and how liberated and adult he or she feels. She runs around, pleased with herself, happy and content about how lovely it is to be able to make decisions for herself. Then one day, something happens. It doesn't have to be something catastrophic or even particularly horrendous. The littlest thing can change the balance of one's life. I really loved how you were subtle about this turning point. We really couldn't see it but we knew it was awful. Then after the initial shock and despair," he turned to me, "which you depicted beautifully, by the way, she tries to go back to her normal self. But of course, it's not the same. She's no longer naïve about what life's really like. I loved how you showed the inner turmoil and especially how her shirt changed repeatedly to emphasize this struggle. You really did a lot with a small budget. Then, of course, at the end of the day, this teenager decides that maybe it's not yet time to be an adult and willingly goes back home to seek solace with her parents. That way, she can be happy as a child for a little longer." He clapped. "Bravo!"

***

My chest was bursting with pride and joy and five minutes later, when the judge had finally tired of talking and released us, and we walked out of the building, I could no longer hold it in. So I turned around and jumped on Ryan with all my might. It was a mere fluke but I was still ecstatic. "Oh my God, we did it!" I said as I fell into his arms. And I don't know what it was but before I knew it, we were kissing.

Chapter 31

2010-11-29T20:41:00.000-08:00

As soon as I realized what I was doing, I pushed Ryan off me. "What the fu.ck do you think you're doing?" I yelled before wiping my lips furiously to get rid of the taste of him. He tasted just like his smelled, minus the sweat, and having that in my mouth was unsettling. I wiped my lips one last time then backed away from him. "What did you do that for?"

He looked at me like I was crazy. "What did I do? You kissed me first!"

"I didn't...," I started to protest but stopped. I eyed him from the corner of my eye then walked over and sat on the first step.

I placed my elbows on my lap and rested my head in my upturned palms.

The truth was; he was right. I had kissed him first. I glanced at him standing at the other side of the staircase staring down at me then looked away again.

I thought back to what had happened a few moments earlier. After walking out of the building, in excitement, I'd jumped on him and after getting over the initial shock, he held onto me and twirled me around.

I laughed, not just because I was practically floating in the air but also because I was sharing in the joy of having our film somehow place in the competition. Yes, the judges absolutely missed the point and the film had never really been about puberty, the growth process of transitioning from childhood to adulthood and whatever else. It was supposed to be a narrative about immigration and even though we were winning because the crazy judge had read way more into it that we'd planned, we were still ecstatic. At least, I was.

So when I jumped into Ryan's arms and he hugged me back and I felt his body pressing against mine in a way it never had, and I thought about how much I'd thought about him in past few days, I felt this sudden intense urge to be closer to him.

It wasn't planned, after all, other than a few fleeting thoughts, kissing him wasn't something I'd spent several nights dreaming about. Plus it certainly didn't help that I was no kissing expert so almost all I knew about kissing was what I saw on television. But I still wanted to kiss him... in a way I'd never kissed Min Ki Oppa.

So as gravity took over and my body slid against his, my nose quickly rubbing against face till I landed on my feet, that feeling grew more intense. And when my feet were firmly on the ground and my arms still wrapped around him, I reached up and kissed him.

He must have been shocked because his body stiffened but it didn't take long for him to kiss me back.

He pressed his lips against mine and I did the same. Were there supposed to be fireworks? I didn't know. I wasn't even sure if the sensations I felt against my lips were pleasurable but I just knew that it felt nice to feel so close to him. But when the little kisses progressed and it felt right to part my lips, an alarm bell went off in my head. What was I doing? And that was when I regained my senses and pushed him off.

"Why are sitting there quietly? Don't you have anything to say?" he asked, his voice much deeper than I'd ever heard.

I turned to him and shook my head. The look of bewilderment on his face was so intense, so exaggerated, that I couldn't help but laugh. So I did. At first, it started off as a slight chuckle then I looked away and chuckled a bit more. But something compelled me to glance at him again and when I saw that the look had intensified, and he'd begun to look like a crazed cartoon character, I tossed my head back and burst into loud, boisterous laughter. I put my hand on my now aching tummy and laughed and kept laughing till my eyes got teary.

"What the fu.ck?" he cursed.

And that just killed me. Even if I'd planned to stop laughing, it sure wasn't going to be anytime soon. "I'm okay," I managed to say between fits of laughter-induced madness.

***

"Are you okay?" Ryan asked a few minutes later.

I nodded.

"What was so funny?"

I giggled then stopped. I tilted my head to him. "You know I'm a mess, right?"

He raised his brow. "You are?" he asked, still confused.

I nodded. "I sure am." I sat up straight. "That was why I laughed," I said matter-of-factly. Even though Ryan's expression had been the drop of water that tipped the bucket, so to speak, laughing was just a way of letting go of all the tension that had built up inside me for the past days. The other option would have been to cry and I was glad that my body hadn't chosen to go that way. I really don't know what I'd have done if I'd cried in front of him.

"But I feel better. Sorry about the kiss," I said, holding onto the railing and pushing myself up. As I slapped my buttocks to rid my pants of any dirt, Ryan also stood up.

He took hold of my hand and made me look at him. Nervous, I sucked in some breath when I saw how serious he looked.

"Why did you kiss me?" he asked, looking directly into my eyes.

I sighed then averted my gaze. "I'm a mess, remember? There were too many things going on in my head."

I expected him to ask me to expatiate but he didn't. Instead, he let go of my hand but kept his lips together. Thirty seconds later, we were on the pavement, walking against traffic. Since we were already at the tail end of winter, I could already tell that the days had begun to get longer as the sun hadn't yet set. I raised my hand to shield my face from its glare.

"Nothing has changed, right?" Ryan asked about a minute into our walk.

I stopped walking and shook my head. "I'm so sorry. And I really wish I wasn't involving you in all my drama. You don't know how sorry I am."

"Again with the apologies. You still love your boyfriend," he stated, still walking.

"Yes," I said in a small voice. I had no choice but to keep walking so I picked up my feet and caught up with him. "Yes," I repeated and as I said it, I felt a pang of regret. Did kissing Ryan mean that I'd cheated on Min Ki? Not only had I wronged Ryan by leading him on, I'd also betrayed my boyfriend in one fell swoop.

"I'm a really bad girlfriend," I thought aloud.

"Really? Even though you say you're confused, I never once thought you'd leave him for me."

"Really?"

He laughed. "You need to chill," he said, putting his hands in his pockets. "Yes, I like you but it's not like we are Romeo and Juliet and it's a matter of life and death. It doesn't have to be so dramatic - it's really not that deep. You really have to chill out and stop stressing about everything so much."

I smiled, jealous of his easy attitude. Maybe if I were more like him, I wouldn't be in such a dilemma. "I really wish it were so simple. I guess if I knew why I was having these feelings, they'd be easy to sort out, you know. When we were in Seoul, everything was so simple. Never once did my feelings shake and I never looked at another guy. So why now? Why do I feel this way? Is something wrong with me?"

He shrugged. "You're having these feelings because you're 16. It's no big deal. I bet you don't even know why you think you like me."

I nodded slowly. "Yeah, I guess I just have to figure things out."

We got to the end of the road and joined the other people waiting for the walk sign to change.

"When I figure everything out, I'm sure it'll be fine."

"What's there to figure out? Ultimately, you love your boyfriend and you want to be with him. You should focus on that."

He was right. But that didn't really change much. "So while I'm still trying to figure things out, you won't be mad that I still think we shouldn't be apart? From your reaction the other day, I feel like I upset you."

The light changed so we joined the rest of the crowd crossing the street. I asked him if he'd brought his car and he said he'd packed it near the subway station I was walking to. When we were safely at the other side of the road, I resumed our discussion. "You're not mad that we can't be friends?"

"I honestly don't see why we can't be friends because I definitely won't pounce on you unless you're scared that you'll pounce on me." He raised his brow but I could tell he was only half-joking.

When I rolled my eyes in an attempt to hide my embarrassment, he laughed.

"But," he continued, "back to your question. Why would I be mad? Do you really think that it's so hard to be away from you?" He snorted and hissed. "It'll be a breeze. Don't worry about it."

I smiled as I thought of what Min Ki had said on the same subject and how he'd claimed that it was difficult for people to stay away from me. It wasn't like I was some hot seductress but from the way Ryan was acting, like he was no longer bothered that I'd severed our friendship, I wondered if he really did like me. Or maybe, just like I had, he'd also become confused by our closeness and mistaken it for something else. Maybe that was why after some time had passed, he was taking everything in stride. Could that be the difference between my two relationships?

While one was solely about love, the other was about friendship. And no matter what happened and how confused we got, at the end of the day, underneath it all, our relationships never really changed.