Chapter 30

I stood up when I saw my bus approach. I glanced back to see if Ryan was still standing there but he'd already left. It was funny that I hadn't even heard him leave. I stood behind the short line that had begun to form and after getting on the bus and finding a seat next to a pleasant old lady, I recounted everything that had just happened.

It wasn't that I wanted to hurt him. If anything, I was grateful to him for opening his life and heart to me so generously. Even though I'd met Ali first, he'd been a better friend – one I'd somehow come to care for. And rely on. He wasn't a bad guy and I'd meant everything I'd said to Yvette – he was a great catch. A great catch for someone who wasn't me.


The feelings that I had, the shortness of breath, the sexual attraction, the way he sometimes made me feel when I was around him... what were they really? Being in a committed relationship didn't mean that a switch got turned off and you were no longer able to be attracted to another person, after all, you were still human. It just meant you don't act on it and let it get too far.

And that was what bothered me most about the whole thing. Had I let it get too far? I must have, surely. I wasn't completely idiotic and knew that Ryan was attracted to me. I sometimes caught him looking at me the way Min Ki sometimes did and there was something about his demeanor and the way he talked to me that made it seem that his feelings for me were something above friendship. And perhaps, on some level, I'd encouraged it even though I'd repeatedly mentioned Min Ki as a deterrent. Maybe I liked the way he felt about me.


But then on the other hand, I wasn't quite sure about my feelings for him. Were they real? Or was I just being my stupid self, returning feelings simply because I felt his attraction to me? Without that, would I still be attracted or would it just be friendship? Had I fu.cked this relationship up simply because I was a dumb girl who had to like every guy that liked her back? And did that mean that I was doomed to unhappiness because for the rest of my life I'd have to deal with uncertainty just because I couldn't help but fall for any guy that smiled at me? I couldn't let that be my destiny.


And what did this mean about Min Ki and me? I had the most wonderful boyfriend a girl could dream of, yet, instead of being over the moon about seeing him again, I was unsure. No matter how hard I tried to uncross my brain to figure out exactly how I felt and why, I couldn't come up with anything coherent. As his arrival date approached, the nagging feeling seemed to strengthen and I couldn't even imagine how I'd feel after seeing him again. And if I saw him and realized that I no longer loved him, what kind of person would that make me? And if I wasn't a sadist, after proving that I'm unable to stick to a commitment even with a great guy, why would I want to embark on a relationship with another guy?

I was still contemplating joining a convent to avoid turning into some kind of heartbreaker when the old lady nudged me to excuse her so that she could walk past me. I watched her get off and as the bus pulled away, I saw her hug an equally as old man and smile lovingly at him.

I sat back in my seat and sighed. When I was younger, as I read fairytales and watched Disney movies, I fantasized about living 'happily ever after' with my prince and it scared me to think that it could never really happen for me. How can a sensible girl possibly like two guys at the same time? I wasn't normal.


Regardless of what was wrong with me, I just had to figure out a way to make my life normal again.


***



I woke up the next day scared out of my wits. As I dragged myself out of bed, I couldn't help but feel like I'd somehow been transported back to the first day of school. I was nervous, unsure of what awaited me once I walked out of my house. Since I'd decided to cut Ryan out of my life, did that mean that I was back to Square 1? I wasn't stupid so I realized that no Ryan also meant no Ali so I was mentally preparing myself to be all alone.

My morning classes passed without incident but when lunchtime rolled around, I knew that it was time to face my fears head on. As I walked into the cafeteria, I promised myself that since ditching Ryan meant that I'd have to find a way to thoroughly enjoy my own company, I'd figure out a way to do just that. I wasn't some kind of weak woman who needed friends to survive, was I?

After taking a few steps in, I looked around to see if Ali, Ryan and the rest of their friends were already seated, and it didn't take me long to find them sitting at their usual table. Ali caught my eye and when I saw that my smile was met with a glare from her, I looked away. Oddly, I wasn't hurt but maybe it was because it only seemed natural that she'd immediately take his side.


In an ideal world, I would have loved to explain everything to her but since I was still pretty confused, what exactly could I tell her? Plus, she was more of his friend than she was mine so I really didn't expect her to understand me. My eyes darted over to Ryan and when he caught them, instead of looking away or frowning, he simply smiled. And my heart froze for a second. Not because it had been particularly charming but because I felt so guilty. He liked me and I'd hurt him and yet he wasn't being a bas.tard about it. What planet was he from?


After getting my lunch of chicken salad and some bread, I walked over to a table with some faces I recognized. For a fleeting second, I'd thought of sitting with the Prada Bit.ches but considering my brother's relationship with Seung Mi had already arrived at its natural end, I couldn't imagine that I'd be welcome. Another fleeting second, I thought of sitting by myself but how would that make things normal? That would only make it look like there was something wrong.

"Do you guys mind if I sit here?" I asked as soon as I arrived at the table. Two of the girls – Nancy and Rachel– were in my math class and even though we'd yet to have philosophical discussions about Kafka, we were cordial to each other in class so I hoped that they'd be the same outside of class.

"Sure," one of the girls I didn't know said. "We're talking about Di.ck In A Box," she said, giggling.

I raised my brow and sat down. "Di.ck In A Box?" I repeated.

Nancy laughed and nodded. "Yeah, Di.ck In A Box. With Justin Timberlake. Haven't you heard it?"




***

My modified life had already begun to settle into a routine. It was amazing how the mind worked. After deciding that I no longer wanted to see Ryan, I really wasn't seeing him. Even in the classes we were both in, I noticed than other than acknowledging him at the beginning of class, I promptly forgot about him. So outside of studying, watching television and transforming myself into someone who had lunch with different groups of people everyday, I barely had time to think about my screwed up romantic life. But when the lights were off and I tossed and turned, trying to get to sleep, all I could think about was my mother.

"You have to talk to her," Min Ki said from the other end of the phone line.


It was a little over a week since I'd had a real conversation with my mother. Other than saying "Hello," I had nothing else to say. I just couldn't believe how cruel and selfish she was being. If her patients were dying, and she was the only person on the planet who could save them, it would make sense. But the way it was, with her staying back because she could be a doctor and using my father as an excuse, infuriated me.

"What is there to talk about? She doesn't want to come back. I can't force her," I reminded him.


"Do you want me to go and see her? She's staying at your house, right?"

"No." It wasn't the first time he'd suggested it and even though it was sweet, I knew it wouldn't work. "She'll probably get mad. Do you think they are going to get a divorce?"

"She said she's not, didn't she?" he said softly.


"But what she said doesn't make sense. There has to be a more logical reason."

"Have you talked to your father about it?"

"What do you mean?"

"I don't know, asked him if he agreed to this or why he acts differently when she was around, or if he wants a divorce?"

I grunted. Even though my father was still being nice to us, cooking and telling silly stories, we still weren't entirely comfortable with him. It just meant that we'd become used to walking as if on egg shells and since my brother and I were enjoying our newly-found freedom, it also meant that we weren't going to do anything to try to jeapardize it. There was still something artificial about it and asking him a question that might infuriate him had the potential to change things back to the way they once were. And I certainly didn't want that.


"The next time your mother calls, try to talk to her. Try to understand her. She's been your mother for almost seventeen years and in all that time, has she ever tried to hurt you?"

I grudgingly said that she hadn't.

"So talk to her. And when you do, try to listen. Don't just jump into conclusions and assume that she's just looking for an excuse to be away from you. When someone loves you, do you know how hard it is to be away from you?" he said in his flirtatious voice.


I laughed. "Whatever, Oppa."

"I'm dead serious. Maybe it's a little different for you because you left so everything is different but for me, it's almost as if a part of me is gone."

I hissed. "Stop exaggerating."

"I'm being very serious." And he sounded it. "When you left, I still attended the same school, wore the same clothes, lived in the same house but something was missing. It was like you'd taken a part of me with you. Imagine losing your arm, or your leg or your sight. A part of you is gone and you will always miss it. Even if you get used to it and figure out a way to live your life regardless --maybe with the help of crutches or an artificial arm-- you still won't be the same. Because you're not whole. Do you understand what I mean?"

I thought back to how I'd been the last few weeks and sincerely hoped that he was wrong. If you couldn't get used to the new you so much that you didn't miss the old version of yourself, how could a person truly move on? But I could tell that he really wanted me to agree with him, so I did.

"But in a little over a week, I think I might feel more whole. Not completely, but being closer to you should help."



***

Another week passed and just as I was really getting used to being the social butterfly that was making friends with everyone in my year, I got a reminder email in my inbox. Apparently, the results of the Zoetrope short film contest were about to be released and I'd put it on my calendar. Of course, that only brought back memories of walking down the streets of Virginia and D.C. laughing and filming, of me writing lyrics and singing as Ryan played the keyboards. Getting that email really didn't help in my quest for a different me, and even though I was quite sure that we hadn't placed in the contest, I couldn't help but hold onto a glimmer of hope.

So shortly after school closed, instead of being a good girl and heading back home, I decided to go and check the results. I walked into the building and when I was looking around, trying to figure out where the blasted thing would be posted, my eyes fell on a back that I immediately recognized as Ryan's.

Unintentionally, I stayed rooted in the spot and could already feel my heart beating faster. It only made sense that he'd also be curious about the film, after all, he'd made the darned thing. But it annoyed me that even though I'd thought of him, I hadn't really thought of him and the high likelihood that he, too, would show up at the Institute. If I'd considered it, I would have shown up another day instead of risking running into him like that.

"Miss, are you going in or not?" an irritated voice said from behind me. I quickly stepped aside and apologized to the man for blocking his way. Then I straightened my back and walked over to the board. Even though I'd considered turning around and leaving, I decided that I wasn't a coward and just because we couldn't be friends didn't mean that he no longer ceased to exist. So, of course, we'd run into each other once in a while. It wasn't a big deal. And I could handle it.


As I approached the board, the other people standing there left so he was the only one still standing there when I finally reached it. Even though I didn't want to, I couldn't help myself so before looking to see if that was where the results were posted, I glanced at him and saw that he had a very dreamy and silly look on his face.

Something about that tickled and excited me so I quickly looked around the posted notes till I found the one announcing the results. And there in third place read, "Boomerang by Ryan Cho." I didn't even know that he'd changed the title.


As if I'd suddenly been kicked in the gut, I doubled over to catch my breath. What the hell? My face was going to be seen by Francis Ford Coppola? We'd won? Okay, not won but we'd placed?!?! How? My braincells were working at a million miles a minute. And quickly, the feelings of disbelief were being replaced by joy. We'd done it! Ryan was not a quack! WOW!


I felt Ryan stir beside me and heard him gasp as if he'd only just realized that I was there. As I was getting up, I heard someone from behind us ask, "Are you Ryan Cho?"

Happier than I'd been in weeks, I turned around to find an older man looking at him curiously. Then he looked at me then broke into a smile. "Yes, you must be Ryan Cho! And that's your beautiful actress," he said, walking over to me and shaking my hand. "What's your name?" After I told him, he said, "My name is Alfred Banes and I was one of the judges for this competition. Congratulations."

Ryan shook his hand vehemently and thanked him. It was quite obvious that he, too, couldn't believe it. I wanted to pat his back and tell him that I'd always believed in him but the man began to talk. He expressed how much he enjoyed our film then suddenly, he moved much closer to us and said, "You want to know the funniest thing?"

Ryan nodded and subtly stepped back. From where I was standing, I couldn't tell if the man had funky breath but really, he'd been standing for too close for a stranger.


"One of the judges was adamant that it was the same old cliché story about immigrating to America in the search for the promised land but I knew better," he said proudly.

Ryan glanced at me and I glanced back and hid a smile. I found it funny that the first time we were really acknowledging each other that day was to share a secret look.

"That film was about puberty, and adulthood," he continued. "Children are always eager to grow up, constantly rushing. You can see from the way they talk, dress, act… you know?"

We both nodded.

"I loved how you showed the evolution. The first ounce of freedom a child gets and how liberated and adult he or she feels. She runs around, pleased with herself, happy and content about how lovely it is to be able to make decisions for herself. Then one day, something happens. It doesn't have to be something catastrophic or even particularly horrendous. The littlest thing can change the balance of one's life. I really loved how you were subtle about this turning point. We really couldn't see it but we knew it was awful. Then after the initial shock and despair," he turned to me, "which you depicted beautifully, by the way, she tries to go back to her normal self. But of course, it's not the same. She's no longer naïve about what life's really like. I loved how you showed the inner turmoil and especially how her shirt changed repeatedly to emphasize this struggle. You really did a lot with a small budget. Then, of course, at the end of the day, this teenager decides that maybe it's not yet time to be an adult and willingly goes back home to seek solace with her parents. That way, she can be happy as a child for a little longer." He clapped. "Bravo!"



***

My chest was bursting with pride and joy and five minutes later, when the judge had finally tired of talking and released us, and we walked out of the building, I could no longer hold it in. So I turned around and jumped on Ryan with all my might. It was a mere fluke but I was still ecstatic. "Oh my God, we did it!" I said as I fell into his arms. And I don't know what it was but before I knew it, we were kissing.