Chapter 29

"So what do you guys want to watch?" I asked the gang as we waited in line to buy our tickets.

Ali shrugged. She was standing in front of Ryan and behind James. "Whatever. I don't really care as far as it's not gory. I don't want to throw up on poor James here," she joked.

"You can throw up all you want on me," he said with a wink.

Ryan turned to me and made a face.

I laughed and glanced back at Yvette who was standing behind me. Ever since we'd gotten in line, I'd wanted to switch places with her so that they could start getting to know each other better but I thought it would be too obvious.

"Yvette, I bet you wouldn't care what movie we saw as far as it was romantic, right?" I teased.

She playfully tapped my shoulder. "Hey, don't me make sound like such a sap."

I laughed. "Ryan likes romantic stuff too."

He turned around with a raised brow. "I do?"

I nodded. "Yeah. Yvette, did I ever tell you that Ryan enjoyed making movies?"

I could see her shake her head from the corner of my eye. "No, you didn't. Ryan, what kinds of movies do you like making?" she asked, sounding very interested. I could already tell that she wasn't disappointed with the way he looked and I was glad to get her stamp of approval.


"Su Jin is exaggerating—"

"Hey, Ryan, why don't I exchange places with you so that you can tell her all about it?" I asked, not waiting for him to respond before switching places.

"Hmm… okay," he said as I slipped in front of him. "It's not like I have a lot to say."


"Yeah, right," I said, slapping his arm playfully. "Movies are your life. You know you can talk about them for days so why don't you give my ears a break and tell her all about it? I'll disturb Ali for a little while."


He gave me a strange look then smiled at her. He shrugged. "I'm not quite sure what to say..."

"Hey," I started to say then stopped when I realized that my pep probably looked as fake as it sounded. "Tell her about our movie."

"Your movie?" Yvette asked before he responded and began to tell her all about the plot.


Ali looked at them and then at me. "Are you up to something?" she whispered.

I shook my head innocently. "Like what?"

I looked back at them. Yvette seemed genuinely interested in what he was saying and there was no way he didn't find her face a little bit pleasant to gaze at. I took two steps as the line moved. They were getting along fine. I was supposed to be glad, right?




***

After getting our tickets, I'd hung back a little so that Yvette would sit next to Ryan and I'd sit at the other side of her. We were a little early so there really wasn't anything on the movie screen yet.


"So, are you excited about seeing the movie?" I asked, nudging Yvette.

"What's so exciting about this movie? Jude Law isn't even in it," Ali complained.


I rolled my eyes even though she wasn't exactly off with her remark. Even though I couldn't care less that Jude Law wasn't one of the actors, it was one of those movies you could predict every single scene from watching the trailers. If I really cared about cool special effects, that would have been the only reason to watch the movie. But we girls decided to allow the guys to pick the movie so we were stuck with hearing canned dialogue for the next two hours.

A few minutes later, of the five of us, only Ali and James were talking -and to each other no less. I looked over at Ryan and Yvette and they both appeared to be concentrating way too hard on their popcorn. I was on a mission so it was time to get things rolling with them again.


"Hey, Yvette, do you know that Ryan plays the piano?"

"Really?" she turned to him. "That's really great, Ryan. Impressive."

"Thanks," he said, looking shy. "It's no big deal."

I tried to read his body language and wasn't quite sure if he was embarrassed because he was sitting next to a girl he was attracted to or he just didn't want the attention on him. So I decided to explore it a bit more.

"You want to know what's so cute about it?" I asked, moving my eyebrows up and down.

"What?" she whispered, leaning to me.

"He learned piano to impress a girl." Ryan looked over at me and widened his eyes to tell me to stop but I ignored him and continued. "Yvette, not only did he do it to impress a girl, he learned to play Britney Spears songs just because he knew she liked her."

"Oh, that's so cute," she said, smiling at him. Then she frowned. "But Britney Spears? That's a little lame."

Even though it was obvious that she was just kidding, something about the somewhat judgemental look on her face annoyed me a little. "Oh, you think that's lame? Ryan, this girl over here," I said, pointing at her with my thumb, "loves Bollywood. Like she's seen every movie or something."

Ryan chuckled then looked over at her. "Yeah, that's quite lame."

"No, it's not. You guys are just so closed minded because you think it's just a bunch of people running around on mountains singing love songs. When you watch a movie like Dil Chahta Hai, where the focus on friendship is just as important as the three romantic stories and other than love, themes such as death, ageism, responsibility," she said, counting them off on her fingers, "are explored, you know it's so much more than just Shah Rukh Khan stalking a girl till she falls in love with him. Hello, not every movie is Dil Se, which was awesome, by the way. Okay, so not everyone likes that movie but anything by Mani Ratnam is brilliant. Or a movie like Saathiya," she said with far more zeal than necessary, "that goes beyond the puppy love story about a cute couple falling in love and actually explores the problems of marriage be it insecurity, feelings of neglect, disrespect, loss of affection, suspicion…."

Ali nudged me but I ignored her. Yvette was probably unaware but anyone watching her from afar would have thought that she was arguing about the merits of civil rights and not Indian movies. I sighed and hid my face to hide my pained expression. Why couldn't she control herself and why the fu.ck had I brought up Bollywood movies in the first place? Stupid, stupid, stupid me! Now if they didn't end up together, it would all be my fault.


"Yeah…" I said, hoping to interrupt and try to salvage the evening but she wasn't interested. Instead, she carried on.

"Oh… oh, yeah, or something like Lagaan which manages to combine romance with politics, colonialism, freedom, sports, of course, the lovely music, O ri chhori," she began to sing. Okay, not just sing, but she was even doing some dance movements with her hands. "O ri chhori, dil se nikle, bol more, Maine pyaar tujhi se hai kiya…."

I was beginning to develop a headache and I could already feel my hands beginning to sweat. What was her problem? I was scared to look at Ryan but I did anyway and when he caught my eye, he gave me a wtf-look. I quickly looked away and pretended that I didn't see it. And just as I was about to take another glance at Yvette crashing and burning, the final trailer on the screen ended.

"Yay. It looks like the movie is starting now," I said, just as Yvette stopped singing.


She nodded at me then took a sip of her drink.


I glanced over at Ryan and saw that his face was now expressionless and when he caught my eye, he didn't do anything.


I leaned back into my chair and asked Yvette if she was okay.


She nodded and smiled, looking like she hadn't been overreacting a few seconds earlier. As the music came on, she whispered something to Ryan and he smiled back at her. Okay, so maybe it had started off a bit strangely, but surely, they could still fall in love. Right?

***

"Su Jin, where are you?" Ryan asked the second I answered his call.

"At home?" I replied, hoping that my voice sounded natural.

"At--" He paused then said, "You're at home?"

"Yeah. My father's making me do some chores. Apparently, we have a lot of sheets that need to be washed. What's up?"

"Did you forget that we were supposed to hang out today?"

The previous day, knowing that Ali and James wouldn't want to spend their Saturday with us, I'd proposed that we all hang out at the mall and maybe see a movie or go to the arcade. "Oh! We were? I'm so sorry. I can't get away now so how about another time?"

"Yvette is here."

"Is she? Oh crap. I really screwed up, didn't I? You can go home or you guys hang out together or something."

"What are you playing at, Su Jin? I thought I made it clear that I wasn't interested."

Well, the previous week, right after the movie had ended and James and Ali had gone off to make out and Yvette had gone to her car, I walked over to the front of the mall and waited for my brother to pick me up. Instead of driving home, Ryan joined me and this was how our conversation went:

Ryan: What was that?
Me (looking innocent): I don't know. You guys picked the movie.
Ryan: Not the movie. Your friend. Is everything alright upstairs?
Me (rolling my eyes): She's just passionate about movies – just like you.
Ryan: She's nothing like me.
Me: I disagree. I think you'll really like her if you get to know her.
Ryan: I'm not interested.
Me: Well, I think she's awesome and what's wrong with making a new friend?
Ryan: Nothing. But…
Me: But what? My brother's car is here. Bye!

So technically, I understood that he didn't want to be fixed up but when she wasn't talking about Bollywood, Yvette could just be the right girl for him. So I decided to give them another push.

"Ryan," I said into the phone, "I'm really sorry. If you want to go home, go. I'm sure Yvette wouldn't be offended. Yes, it would be incredibly rude to just leave her because I'm not there and it wouldn't hurt to hang out with her but I'm sure she wouldn't take it personally. She's cool like that."

"Whatever," he said before hanging up.



***



All packed: I really can't wait to get on that plane.
Match.com: But Wyoming is so far from here. So you'll still be far away.


After googling, I'd had mixed feelings about finding out that it was over a thousand miles away from Virginia but most of it was guilt about the relief I'd felt when I discovered that he wouldn't be so close to me.


All packed: But it's closer than Seoul and even though it's not the same time zone, we won't be too far apart. It'll be easier to coordinate our phone calls and if I get the chance, I can fly over for the weekend or something. Wouldn't that great?
Match.com: Sure
All packed: Jinnie...
Match.com: ?
All packed: Aren't you happy that I'm coming over?

When I read that, my heart started thumping. I wasn't particularly unhappy he was coming over but I just hadn't sorted my feelings yet. Nonetheless, I certainly didn't want him to think that I wasn't over the moon about seeing him again – it wouldn't be fair.


Match.com: Oppa, why would you say something like that?
All packed: It's just something I sensed. I thought you'd be a lot happier. I thought you'd be excited and start making plans for us but you haven't done anything. Aren't you glad I'm coming?
Match.com: I am.
All packed: Are you just saying that or do you really mean it? If you don't want me to come, just say so so that I don't have to change my life around for you. I'm putting such an effort into this and it looks like you don't care. Do you think it's been so easy for me to change everything?


I had a very strong urge to remind him that I'd never asked him to do all of that for me but just as I was trying my hardest to stop myself from typing something I was sure I'd regret, my phone rang.

Match.com: Hold on. Phone. brb
All packed: You're answering your phone now? I can't believe you. Do you still love me?

I probably should have ignored the call but I needed a break from his stress. Besides, I figured that he needed a minute to calm down. I reached over for my phone and looked at the caller ID. "Hey, Yvette. How did it go?"

"Just a tad better than watching paint dry."

"Meaning?"

"Meaning that the best part of the date was the end. No offence but your friend is a huge bore. He just kept moping around saying nothing and every time I was just about to nod off, he'd say something that was even less interesting to hear than silence. How can you like such a person?"

"Are you kidding me?" Why did everyone want to piss me off? "How can you say that? He's so not boring."

"I beg to differ. He might be a nice guy but he could probably single-handedly cure insomnia. Do you know any other guys? Guys that are not like him in any way?"

"Any other guys? I just introduced you to the best guy you'll ever meet and you're asking for other guys? He's good looking, smart, caring, creative, thoughtful...," I began, rattling off all of Ryan's good points. He wasn't perfect but she was in no position to judge. "After all the idiots you've dated, how can't you recognize a gem when you see one? What's wrong with you? He's the kind of guy that—"

"Su Jin," she interrupted, "if you think he's so perfect, why don't you just date him yourself?" She sighed. "Look, I don't have time for this. See you later," she said before hanging up.

Why couldn't I date him myself? I looked at my computer screen and read Min Ki Oppa's last question.

Match.com: Back. You know I do.
All packed: So I should still come?

A lump developed in my throat.

Match.com: Of course you should.
All packed: biggrin.gif Good. Because my ticket is non-refundable. And I'd have been so mad if your feelings had changed. We haven't been apart for so long and you know how much I love you.



***

"Pick up the phone," my brother yelled from the other side of my bedroom door. "Umma wants to talk to you."

Match.com: Oppa, Umma's on the phone so I don't know how long I will be gone for.
All packed: It's okay. I'll talk to you tomorrow. Love you.
Match.com: Bye


"Hello," I said, picking up the extension in my room. "Umma, you're already awake?"

"Yes. How's my baby doing?"

I laughed. I laid down and put my head on my pillow. "Your baby? Umma, I'm old enough to be married in some countries."

She chuckled. "But you're still my baby and always will be even when you're fifty."

I giggled at the image of a grandmother being considered a baby. "I miss you so much."

"Me too. How's everything over there? Are you still enjoying being the woman of the house?"

"Woman of the house my a—" I quickly stopped myself when I realized what I was about to say. "It's okay. What about you? How are you?"

"Good. I'm already getting used to being back here. It's feeling pretty nice," she said with satisfaction.

Her tone sent all sorts of red flags flying in the air so I quickly sat up. "Umma, when are you coming back?"

I waited for a response but all I got was silence. I took a deep breath then repeated my question.

"Su Jin ah…," she said, hesitating.

"Umma…," Her lack of response made me feel very uneasy and my voice had already begun to shake. "Umma, when will you be returning?"

"I don't know," she said breathily.

Panic set in. "What do you mean you don't know? Aren't you coming back soon?"

"I have so many patients to see. Somehow, word got out that I was back and all my old patients are making appointments."

"But you don't work there anymore."

"I know but…"

"So when are you coming back?" A tear escaped my eye. "See your patients really quickly and come back. We really miss you. Will you be coming back soon?"

She was silent for a few moments before saying, "That's not the only thing."

I knew the obvious question to ask but I was scared of what her response would be so all I said was, "I really miss you."

I heard her exhale like she was carrying a very heavy load. "You know I love you and miss you too but your brother told me that you kids are having a good time without me. That your father is being a lot nicer and more loving towards you."

"So?" My hand was shaking and I was finding it difficult to hold the phone steady.

"So don't you prefer it that way? Don't you like your father this way? Dong Won said he now lets you go out with your friends. Don't you like that?"

"I do…"

"But he wasn't like that when I was there."

"Umma…"

"For some reason, your father acts differently when I am around so I just want you children to get to know him without me. Get to love him like other children love their fathers. If this is what it takes for him to treat you this way, then I think it's worth it. Don't you think so?"

"And after he gets to know us, are you coming back?"

"We'll talk about that when the time comes."

The tears had begun to stream freely down my cheeks. Why did it all sound like bullsh.it? "Umma, do you know something? I think you're just saying this so that you can go back to your precious job. If you don't love us anymore, just say so!" I said before hanging up the phone.

I ran over to my computer to see if Min Ki was still logged on but he wasn't. So I sat in front of it and sobbed. What in the world was going on?





***



"What's your problem?" Ryan called after me as I walked to the bus stop. Since my brother's schedule had changed for the new semester, I had to find my own way home.

"What are you talking about?" I asked, not looking back. It was the Monday after speaking to my mother and I hadn't been in the mood for lunch or socializing so I had barely seen him all day.

"You know what I'm talking about! Is that why you've been avoiding me all day? You sat so far away in class. Why are you like this? I already hinted to you that I wasn't interested in getting hooked up but you just couldn't let it go! Why do you have to hold on to some things for dear life? When it's time to let go, let go! Why must to push and push and push? Any idiot on this planet can see that I am not interested in Yvette yet you insist on keeping up with this bulls.hit! I'm so sick…," he said as he kept ranting on.

As he talked, I mentally blocked out his voice and my mind wandered to the conversation I'd had with my mother. What did it mean? That she was leaving us? That she was leaving my father? I definitely didn't want my parents to break up but if they did, I would have chosen to live with her in a heartbeat. But what she'd done, leaving us with our dad while she ran back to Seoul made me feel abandoned. It made me feel like my brother and I weren't even a priority in her life and that at the first chance she got, she picked her career over us.

"Are you even listening to me?" I heard Ryan yell before he grabbed my shoulder and turned me around to face him. His eyes widened in surprise. "Are you crying?"

My mind had wandered so far off that I hadn't even realized I'd been crying. I wiped off my cheek with the back of my hand. "What?" Why couldn't he just leave me the hell alone? Why couldn't everyone just disappear?


"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make you cry." He felt his pockets. "I don't have any tissue. I was just angry about what you did but I shouldn't have yelled at you like that."

I rolled my eyes. "Do you think the world revolves around you?"

He looked taken aback my question. "Are you okay?" He reached for my shoulder but I slapped his hand off.


I shook my head and turned around. "It's none of your business."

"Hey," he said in a soft voice as he walked in step me with me. "What's the matter?"

I stopped abruptly and looked at him. "It really is none of your business and I have way too much going on in my life to think about you and your problems."

He raised his left eyebrow. "My problems?"

I sighed. "Not your problem but my problem... with you. I'm so sorry about the whole Yvette thing. I was out of line."

He nodded as a smile tugged at his cheek. "As far as it doesn't happen again…"

"It won't."

"And about what's making you sad… do you want to talk about it?"

"No," I snapped. What would talking do? Would it make my mother get on the first flight to D.C.? "Please forgive me about the whole Yvette thing."


"This is happening a lot differently than I'd expected," he said, with a look of confusion on his face. "I thought you'd argue and try to pretend that you weren't trying to set me up with your friend. Then set me up again next week." He laughed. "And I still don't get why you'd even do that. Do I look that pathetic?" Even though he was smiling, I could see the uncertainty in his eyes.

I hissed and looked away. Everything I'd been stressing about; from my feelings for him to Min Ki's trip suddenly seemed like child's play when I thought about what was going on in my family. And as I stood there, watching him watch me and wait for an answer, everything became crystal clear.

My bus arrived but instead of running up to catch it, I took a deep breath and looked up at him. "You're not pathetic and the whole thing was about me. If you must know, the problem is that I think I like you—"

"Whoa!"

"Let me finish," I urged.

He exhaled audibly. "Yeah, finish but what the hell is going on? I certainly didn't expect to hear that. From you? No way! Not in this century." He smiled. "Wow. I mean, I like you too but are you honestly saying this to me?" he laughed nervously, shook his head then shifted his weight from foot to foot. "Wow. Unbelievable." He grinned then shook his head some more.


I watched his reaction and felt bad because he was obviously not getting it. "Ryan, the thing is, Min Ki Oppa is taking such a huge step because of me. He hasn't been anything but a good boyfriend. He loves me and there's no reason I shouldn't love him back. I don't think that my feelings for him have ever really changed."

The smile on his face disappeared in an instant.

"Something's happened and I have feelings for you that I shouldn't have. You get that, don't you? I just want everything in my life to go back to the way it was a few months ago. Every single thing. So what I am saying is that I'm grateful for how nice you've been to me since I moved here but I don't think we should be friends. Being with you creates confusion that I really don't have the energy to deal with now. I'm sorry about everything and I hope you understand."

After waiting for a few seconds to see if he had any response, I walked over to wait for the next bus. When I looked back about a minute later, I saw him still standing there looking baffled.