Chapter 21

"Mademoiselle Oh. Mademoiselle Su Jin Oh," Ryan said, snapping his fingers in front of my eyes.

Suddenly jolted out of my daydream, I blinked a few times and looked at him. "What?"

"You drifted off for a bit. Are you okay?" he asked, smiling inquisitively.

I looked away. In the few minutes since he'd cracked his little joke about liking me, my heart had settled a bit but the atmosphere between us had made what I was almost certain was a permanent shift. Ryan wasn't my only platonic male friend, after all, back in Seoul, I had Il Woo but it was different. No two friendships were exactly the same but there was something additional in our relationship that Il Woo and I hadn't shared. But I still didn't quite know what it was so I couldn't isolate or pinpoint it. Maybe it came from spending far too much time with him and not having Min Ki around as a buffer. Maybe it was because even though it was platonic, I interacted with him as if it were more. Maybe I'd become far too comfortable with him and the line had begun to blur even though there could be nothing more between us. Or maybe I was simply a raging lunatic and spending far too much time making something out of nothing. It was a joke. It was a joke! IT WAS A JOKE!

"Are you drifting off again?"

I snapped out of it and looked up at him. "Just go back to your seat. I'm fine," I said, smiling broadly in the hopes that he had absolutely no clue about what was going on in my head.

"Good." He walked over to sit in front of his keyboard. "We have a lot of work to do. The song…"

"What is it about again?"

He groaned. He looked like he was about to say something sarcastic then changed his mind. "Remember that the movie is about a girl who comes from Korea and is excited about America, thinking it's the solution to all her problems. She's happy till something happens and makes her realize that it was all smoke and mirrors and that her heart really lies in Korea. Or something like that."

I tried to remember all the scenes we'd shot and the underlying theme of our movie then put pen to paper. About ten minutes later, I'd written something down even though I suspected that it was rubbish.

"Ryan, I have some lyrics. Play the melody you composed."

He nodded, hit the record button on his camera then gently hit the keys.

"I thought that life would be," I began to sing till I saw Ryan wince.

Okay, was it really that bad? I cleared my throat.

"I thought that—" I stopped when I saw Ryan's raised hand. "What?"

"Try it at a lower key. One more time."

"Okay, I won't sing this time. Just play the music so I can get a feel for it." As he began to play, I shut my eyes and took a deep breath, hoping to inhale the music so that it would fill my lungs and become a part of me. It was hogwash but it felt nice to pretend to be some kind of music maestro.

I opened my eyes and read the lyrics I'd written. "I think the first verse doesn't flow too well. I'll just skip to the chorus and start from here."

"Whatever you think is best."

I crossed out those lines and began to sing.



"You and me

Were never meant to be

Can't you see?

You're not the one for me

You and me

We were never meant to be

You are not my reality



It used to feel so so good

Spending time with you

I wanted you so so bad

And I know you wanted me too

But now it's clear as day

I was only holding on to a fantasy

I wish there was another way

But



You and me

Were never meant to be

Can't you see?

You're not the one for me

You and me

We were never meant to be

You are not my reality



I don't mean to hurt you

And in some ways I love you

But it's not the same, it just doesn't feel right

You're not the man I thought I knew

It's not the love I thought we shared

So it's time for me to go back to before we met

Because



You and me

Were never meant to be

Can't you see?

You're not the one for me

You and me

We were never meant to be

You are not my reality



I stopped singing and waited for him to stop playing. Then he looked at me and the room fell into complete silence. My chest threatened to explode as I waited for his verdict. I'd done my best. I'd tried to come up with words. Was it any good?

I was still questioning myself when he burst into laughter.

My heart sunk. "That bad?"

He shook his head. "Sorry. Sorry," he said as he struggled to control himself. "I sometimes just laugh randomly. No. No, it wasn't bad. I think we can use the chorus. But we might need to tweak the verses a bit. But," he said, suddenly looking pleased with himself, "it looks like we've finally got a start."





***



Dinner at the Ambassador's house went much better than I'd expected. It turned out that they had a lot of people over so I really didn't have to spend any time talking to Seung Mi. Now, if only my brother could have taken my cue and stayed away from her as well.

She wasn't the ugliest person I'd ever seen but I really didn't think she was his type. Her face wasn't as painted as it normally was at school and she was wearing a black shirtdress with a big red belt and looked pretty okay. But for some reason, Dong Won was acting like it was the first time he'd met her and completely monopolizing her company. Was she the only person at the party? Was he losing his sight? I wondered as I watched them laughing at what I was sure was a lame joke.

"It looks like Seung Mi is really getting along with your brother," Ha Na, a girl I'd only just met commented. Apparently, she was a sophomore at college and had been living in the States for about three years.

"Your brother is cute though…"

I groaned.

"… and if he wasn't younger than me and I wasn't already practically engaged, I'd have gone for him too," she teased.

I laughed. She was probably the tallest girl I'd ever seen in my life and I didn't think I'd seen feet that huge in my life. But she had a pretty face and had been very friendly in the little time I'd known her.

"Do you have a boyfriend?" she asked in the tone girls used when they wanted to bond with a new friend.

I nodded. "For over two years."

"Me too," she said, pulling out her purse and showing me a photograph.

Unless he was sitting, her boyfriend was about half her height but they looked happy and in love. I narrowed my eyes and looked at the building behind them. "Was this taken in Seoul?"

She nodded, taking it from me. "Yes."

"You guys went there on vacation?"

She shook her head. "No. We'd only been dating for about six months when my family moved here so it's been long distance for most of our relationship."

"Wow," I mouthed. "How have you managed to keep it going for so long?"

"It's difficult and I had to work for a whole year to get enough money to go back and visit last summer. And he's been here once too. It's not easy but we are making it work."

That gave me a gleam of hope. "So it's possible?"

"Yeah. No matter how difficult it gets, I remember that I'm lucky to have found the person I plan to marry some day. I definitely feel better than Yvette," she said pointing at another girl I'd met at the dinner. "She keeps dating a whole bunch of idiots. Can you imagine that the last guy she dated stopped calling because she refused to make out with him on their second date? In fact, Yvette," she called, waving for the slim, square jawed girl to join us, "come and tell us all about that Trey guy."

Although she attended another school, Yvette was a high school junior like me.

She excused herself from the people she was talking to and joined us. It was still premature but I could already tell that I'd just made some new friends.



***



"You're coming?" Ali shrieked, hugging me as we both jumped and yelped for joy.

It really hadn't been difficult getting my mother to write a check and sign the consent form to let me go on the trip because I waited till the night before the deadline to talk to her about it. Other than not giving her much of a chance to think about it, I also had to wait till my father was away. Then that night, I explained that it was a trip that all my classmates were going to be on, we were going to see the famed Getty Museum amongst other educational points of interest. I said it was something that the school recommended and that I didn't want to return to school at a disadvantage.

She asked me why I hadn't told them earlier and I said that I was scared of my father's reaction.

I instantly regretted uttering those words because her eyes turned teary and she instantly began to apologize profusely for the conditions we were now all living under. If felt awful but in the end, I got what I wanted. Did that make me a bad daughter?

"We are going to have so much fun," Ali said, disentangling herself from our embrace and plopping on the couch. "I'm already thinking of ways to ditch the school so that we can do our own thing. I hope we get to go clubbing."

"Shh!" Ryan said as our 'movie' began to play.

For the next few minutes, we watched the movie and it unfolded just as we expected. There I was, smiling and chatting way too cheerfully into the camera, so happy to be in America and taking photos at Arlington National Cemetery. Then the mood changed when I witnessed the mugging although Ryan cut that part out. So in the end, all it showed was my reaction to it. Gosh, was I really such a bad actress? I had even less talent than the actresses on American soap operas! Then the movie showed my realization that America wasn't really a bed of roses and then me in my inexplicably changing top sorrowfully walking down the street. When our song began to play, I gasped. Ryan somehow managed to find the one frame I was emoting reasonably and coupled it with the computer-adjusted sound of my voice. It was breathtaking. Then the movie ended with me walking into the airport (Ryan's backdoor).

"Why do I look fatter than I think?" I asked the minute the credits began to roll. "Ali, have I gained weight?"

She rolled her eyes. "No, you haven't – it's just the camera. And it wouldn't hurt if you have. She hissed. "…looking like my grandma's walking stick. But as for the movie…"

"Yes?" Ryan said.

"Well, it's okay, I guess. I already know the storyline so there are no surprises. Nice cinematography, though."

"Uhm, okay," Ryan said, not sounding too pleased with her comments.

Why couldn't Ali at least try to soften the blow?

"But," she said, turning to me, "why didn't you just let me do your make up for the entire film? You went from looking awesome to looking average."

"And why did you stop coming over to do my make up?" I countered.

She rolled her eyes. "Whatever."

"Well, I'll probably tweak it a little more but this is pretty much the final cut," Ryan said.

Too encourage him, I clapped and after a few seconds, Ali joined me. It wasn't the best movie I'd seen but it was at least something Ryan could say he'd done. But that song… yeah, he certainly had an ear for music. Maybe he ought to ditch the film thing and just focus on music. But I knew it wasn't the right time to mention that. "Our song turned out great, didn't it?" I said, proudly.

"Yes," Ali agreed, pointing at me, "that was definitely good. Can I get a copy?"

I beamed. With a little work, my voice sounded pretty great. "Yeah, can I get a copy too?" I was going to send the song to everyone I knew. And maybe I could get Ryan to film a video for it.



***



Ryan had suggested a wrap up party but since Ali already had plans, there were only two of us. I was excited to finally have the freedom to be out of my house after 8pm so when he suggested a movie, I happily agreed.

I got to pick the movie so I chose one with hot guys. It was its opening weekend so the theatre was filling up quickly. We'd chosen to share one large popcorn instead of getting two small ones so in order to make sure our portions were kept equal, I was guarding it on my lap and keep score of the number of handfuls Ryan was taking. "That's number 3," I told him as he reached into the bucket.

"Okay, Mom."

I laughed. Even calling me a witch wouldn't have dampened my mood. I was still high from watching myself on screen. I wasn't quite convinced about not looking bigger than I thought I did but the way my voice and the expression on my face meshed so perfectly… whoa! "Ryan," I said, turning to him as he threw some popcorn into his mouth, "you've really got a good eye. How did you know that was the right moment to start the song?"

"Gosh, is that all you're going to talk about today?" He pointed at the screen. "Watch the trailers."

"But it was so good. You and me…" I sang, moving closer to him. "… can't you see? Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh!"

He laughed and reached for more popcorn.

"That's your fourth. We were never meant to be," I continued to sing, this time putting my hands on my chest and pretending to be an opera singer.

He shook his head and laughed some more. "You're being so cute… getting all excited over some song you didn't even want to do."

"Whatever. But you're right, I'm so cute," I joked, putting my fingers in my non-existent dimples and making cute faces.

Ryan stopped smiling but kept looking at me. "Yep."

I laughed but the second I put my hand down and got some popcorn, as if in slow motion, he moved closer and closer till he kissed me! I sat there in shock, disbelieving what was happening. But I felt his breath on my face and smelled the burnt corn on his breath and knew it was definitely happening. I dropped the popcorn in my hand and didn't move an inch. A kiss? Okay, not on my mouth but like 10% of his lips were on mine and the rest on the side of my mouth. What the hell?

Then he moved back and grinned.

I replayed what had just happened in my mind and glared him. All the emotions I'd felt had merged into one: anger. It was a soft, quick kiss but how dare he? What was that about?

He must have noticed the fury in my eyes because in a swift second, he wiped the grin off this face. "Sorry about that."

I wanted to yell at him but I couldn't come up with any words. My brain was scrambled with a million thoughts. How could he? I shut my eyes to keep from blinding myself from anger. Why had he done that? Why did he have to spoil my day?

"The movie is starting now," he said, solemnly.

For the next thirty minutes, we watched the movie without exchanging a word. For some reason, Brad Pitt's normally gorgeous face looked like a horse's ass and every time I tried to concentrate on the storyline, my mind kept wandering to what Ryan had just done. And he didn't even seem to be the least bit affected because every time I glanced at him, he looked like he was 100% into the film. But sitting in that theatre was just a waste of my damn time. Instead of watching the movie, I was fighting to keep my emotions in check.

"I'm leaving," I said to anyone who cared to listen.



***



"Where are you going?" Ryan called after me.

I stepped out of the theatre and walked down the hall.

"The movie is still playing," he said from behind me.

"I'm not interested in it anyway." I picked up my pace and speed walked towards the 'Exit' sign.

"Su Jin!" The sound of his voice was followed by the extreme yank of my body. He'd grabbed hold of my hand and turned me around to face him. "Where are you going?"

"You have no right to touch me!" The rage I'd tried to control was threatening to explode and I just wanted to leave without any drama. I pointed at his hand on my upper arm. "Take your hand off me," I ordered in a calm voice. When he did, I turned around and walked through the double doors and out of the building.

It was a cool, breezy evening and on any other day, I might have stopped to look at the bright stars.


"How are you getting home?"

Without looking back, I kept walking. "Don't worry about it." I got to the side of the road and after looking left, right then left again, I crossed it.

"I brought you here so I'm responsible for taking you home."

"I'll get home safely. Just leave me alone."

"Aren't you overreacting?"

What did he just say to me? I turned around but instead of seeing his face, all I saw was red. "john tesh you, Ryan Cho. john tesh you."

"I've never heard you curse before," he said quietly.

"So?"

"Is it really that deep?" he asked in an even quieter voice. "Is this really something to be so mad about? All I did was kiss your cheek. I didn't do it to hurt you—"

"No, you did it because you don't respect my relationship. I know you guys think I'm some kind of idiot for being in a long distance relationship but just because I never say anything doesn't mean I don't know what you think. You're always making silly faces or cutting remarks whenever I talk about it."

"No, I don't."

"Yes, you do. That's why you think it's okay to kiss me even when you know I have a boyfriend!"

"You're blowing it out of proportion. I didn't really kiss you! It was just a peck. A little peck between friends…"

A peck between friends? My heart beat way too quickly for a freaking friendly kiss!

"… I'm so sorry if you hated it so much. I wasn't trying to offend you. I'm sorry."

I nodded knowingly. "A kiss between friends, huh? A kiss so close to my mouth?" I said, touching that part of my face. I could still feel his lips on me. "Why not just go ahead and kiss my lips, huh? A kiss between friends," I scoffed. "Ali is your friend. Have you ever kissed her?"

The last question was supposed to shame him, to make him realize that he was lying about it being nothing but instead of him looking away, hissing or shaking his head, he looked downwards and I saw a glint of something shoot through his face. Something that looked like guilt.

My chest tightened as I realized that he was someone I really didn't now at all. He was feeling guilty? "Ryan, have you kissed Ali? You've kissed Ali? Is this what 'just friends' means to you? You're sick!"

Disgusted, I turned around and started walking down the road, looking for a bus stop.

"Su Jin, I know you're mad but just let me take you home. Do you even know where you're going? Do you even know which bus to take?"

I stopped abruptly. He was right. I didn't know where I was going and I really didn't want to spend the rest of the evening waiting for buses on the weekend schedule. I turned around and smiled grimly. "I'll call my brother to come and pick me up."

"It's already dark and I just can't leave you by yourself. Let me just take you hom—"

"It's okay, Ryan. I'll be fine. I think part of the problem is that we've gotten too close and that's really not necessary, don't you think? It really upsets me that you think you can kiss me and not have it be a big deal. Maybe I've led you on or made you think I'd been cool with something like that. That's just not me and apparently, you don't know me at all. Since we've finished filming and recording the song, we really don't have any reason to hang out so much anymore."

"Su Ji—"

"Thanks for the movie. I'll see you at school," I said as I raised my hand and hailed the empty cab that happened to pass by at just the right moment.

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