Chapter 27

Since my father had asked to take a look at my photos from LA, I'd uploaded them to my computer and was going through them to pick out a good selection for him. One thing I realized was that even though I felt so lonely on the trip, I had taken pictures not only with Ryan and Jonathan, but also Ali and a host of others. Maybe I really hadn't been as isolated as I thought I was.

The slideshow arrived at a group photo we'd taken on Rodeo Drive so I paused it to take a closer look. I hissed when I saw my hair but the one lesson I'd learned from looking at my photos was that I had to carry a scrunchy around if I didn't want to look like Medusa. My eyes fell on Ryan and I smiled because he was sporting what had become his signature uninterested look. Then the smile faded when I noticed that Holly was smiling up at him.

Since we'd been hanging out over our holidays, he hadn't mentioned her, nor had I asked but I was very curious.

I hit play and tried to watch the rest of the slideshow but now my mind was filled with my curiosity about them. Towards the end of the show, my phone rang. I looked at the caller-id and smiled. "Hey, I was just thinking about you."

"Is that a good or a bad thing?" Ryan asked.

I laughed. "Very bad. I was just looking at our LA photos and you looked absolutely terrible."

"Well, you have bad taste so it's no surprise you'd think that."

"Whatever. What's up?"

"Nothing much. What are you doing now?"

I put the phone next to my mouse and clicked on it then put it back to my ear. "I just told you – I'm looking at my photos."

"Sounds boring. Wanna come out for a bit?"

"For?"

"With all the after Christmas sales, I wanted to check out some camera equipment."

"Sounds extremely boring."

"That's because you haven't done it with me. I can show you the exciting side of camera shopping."

I let out an exaggerated yawn. "I'm still not convinced."

"I'll buy lunch?" he said hopefully. "And you can order whatever you like."

"Hmm… okay, now we are talking. And I hope you mean a good lunch because I don't want to go to McDonalds."

"I promise. No McDonalds. I don't eat that stuff anyway."

"Right," I said skeptically. "I guess I'll see you in a bit. I'll call you when I'm leaving."



***



"How come I never noticed how cheap you were before?" I asked, looking at his tray. It was bad enough that he claimed that almost all the regular restaurants would be packed because it was lunchtime, but instead of getting a meal like I had, he'd only ordered from the Value menu.

After spending about an hour looking at cameras then about two more just window shopping through the mall, it was time for lunch.

"Not cheap," he said, securing a cover on his cup then poking a straw through it. "I am just careful with money."

"Yeah, whatever." I picked up a fry and bit into it.

We'd ended up at Burger King and after standing in what seemed like a never-ending line, were finally getting the chance to eat.

"Did you take the PSATs?" he suddenly asked.

I shook my head. "No. Why?"

"Ever since the results came out, my father has really been on my case."

"Meaning."

"Meaning that all he talks about are the colleges I should apply to and medical programs and all that bulls.hit. Now I wish I'd failed on purpose just to avoid all this."

"You did well?"

He nodded. Even though he was trying to sound like he was just making conversation, I could tell that he was really bothered.

"So what's the problem?"

"It's just annoying. All I have to hear about is how I owe it to myself to study medicine. That I have the ability and I shouldn't put it to waste. Blah blah blah. I just think he wants a son that's a doctor and I am his last chance. It's really not about me." He picked up his burger then looked at me like he was waiting for my opinion.

But what did I know about what went on in fathers' heads? "What are your brothers studying?"

"Law and engineering."

"Cool. And what do you want to study?"

He shrugged. "I really don't know. I'd planned to go along with this but as senior year approaches, all I can think about is that I really don't want to end up stuck doing what I don't like."

"What about Film Studies?"

He laughed. "That's not even an option. I'll probably get disowned or something."

I chuckled. "You're exaggerating but it'll be easier to argue against medicine if you have something to argue with. And are you sure you're not just rebelling against medicine just because it's something your father wants? There are a lot worse things than being a doctor."

He shook his head. "No. That's not it. I've never once in my life thought, "Gee, it'll be great to be a doctor.""

"Are you sure? You're not just being like Kumar?"

He looked at me in confusion. "Kumar?"

"Harold & Kumar go to White Castle. His father wanted him to study medicine but—" My sentence was cut short by Ryan's sudden burst of laughter.


"What?" He bent his head and laughed some more. "I wouldn't have pegged you as someone who watches that kind of movie."

The way he said it made it sound like an insult. "What kind of movie?"

"You know, silly comedies."

"So what kind of movies do you think I watch?"

"Hey, are you getting angry? I just thought it was a little lowbrow for you."

I nodded knowingly. So that was how it was. "You think I'm a snob."

"No. Okay, I am not going to say anything else because it looks I just keep putting my foot in my mouth," he said, before stuffing his mouth with his burger.

I growled at him but when he swallowed what was in his mouth and started whistling with a very innocent look on his face, I couldn't help but crack a smile.



**

"I don't feel like going home yet," Ryan said as he dragged his feet into Burger King's parking lot.

"Because you don't want to have to hear about Harvard Medical?"

He turned around to face me. "You don't know what it's like."

"Kumar, even though my father isn't pressuring me about college, I do know what it's like to not want to go home. Trust me, if you had to deal with 'Family Time' every Saturday, you wouldn't want to go home either."

He laughed. "True. But you said you haven't had it since he returned from his trip?"

I shook my head. "No. But it'll be interesting to see how he is with my mother around. I don't know. Even though they still talk on the phone, they aren't laughing like they did before she extended her trip."

He put his arm around my shoulder reassuring as we walked towards his car. "Don't worry –it'll be fine."

"I hope so. I just keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. Like, even though I am really enjoying all this freedom and all that, I'm wondering if it's going to last forever."

"Well, just enjoy it for as long as you can and maybe it might last forever."

We stopped in front of his car and got in. For some reason, he looked over at me and we shared a warm smile. Then he took out his key and put it into the keyhole. "Why do you have a boyfriend?" he muttered to himself.

I shrugged. It was a question I'd asked myself recently so I was ready with a response. "Because I really liked him and he liked me too so we decided to be together. That's logical, isn't it?"

He nodded slowly, almost like he hadn't been expecting an answer. "I guess so. I'll just let the car warm up a little," he said, turning the engine on. "Is your window wound up to the top?" He reached across my body to check.

I felt my body tense up and before I knew it, I blurted, "Why don't you have a girlfriend?"

"What do you mean?" He slowly moved back to his seat and in the process, brushed my arm. I sucked in my breath and tried not to think of what that little body contact was doing to me.

From the corner of my eye, I could tell that he was fidgety because he reached for the steering wheel then took his hand back.

I looked at the way his jaw tightened and there was something so attractive about it that him not having someone just seemed like a damn waste. "Why don't you have a girlfriend?" I repeated.

"I didn't know that there was a rule saying that I had to have one." His voice had developed an edge.

"I'm not saying that. It's just that I think you'll be a very good boyfriend. You're nice and thoughtful."

"Really?" he asked, not looking at me.

"And cute, too."

"Cute, huh?" He chuckled even though I didn't hear much amusement in it. Was he really getting offended?

"So why aren't you dating anyone? Or do you like someone and you're learning to play the banjos just for her?" I joked.

Apparently, my attempt at humor fell flat because his cheek muscles stayed in place. And that made me even more curious about it.

"Ryan, do you like someone?" Even though I didn't want to, I couldn't help but hold my breath as I braced myself for his response.

"What a question." He scratched his head and looked out of his window.

Meaning? The silence was getting deafening and now I just needed to know the answer.

"You don't want to talk about it?" I asked, noticing that the mood was slowly changing to something more strained.


"What's there to talk about?"

"It's just a question, Ryan. Who do you like?" Me? At the moment I thought that single word, it suddenly clicked. For some strange, inexplicable reason, I really wanted him to say that I was the girl he liked. And not because I needed an ego boost, because I instinctively knew that it was exactly the same way I was beginning to feel about him.

I banged my head against the window as he put on his seatbelt. I had no right to like him. What was wrong with me?

"Are you okay?"

"Yes," I said, sitting up as I watched a black SUV go through the drive thru. Then I glanced at him rummaging through his bag looking for something. Who was I trying to kid? I'd been trying my best to ignore these feelings that had been stirring up inside of me for a while. But instead of them fading away with time, they were just getting more and more intense.

I knew that I shouldn't hang out with him so often – especially alone- but these days, I couldn't not hang out with him. I knew that I shouldn't allow my hormones to rage when he was around. I knew that I shouldn't think of water dripping down his chest. I knew that I shouldn't have anything but platonic thoughts about him. I knew that I shouldn't let my heart flutter when he did something nice. I knew that I shouldn't think about him when he wasn't around, wondering what he was doing.

I knew that I shouldn't be happy whenever he showed interest in only me. Having him focus his attention on only me and teach me how to bowl shouldn't have felt so nice.

He was just a friend. Just a friend. Just a friend.

It had to stop and I really had to get off my ass and do something to nip this thing between us in the bud. Even though I suspected that it had long since passed that stage. But regardless, it had to be stopped. Getting him a girl was the best option but if she took him away from me, would I have to start all over again and try to make some new friends? Was that really what was stopping me? Or did I just want him all to myself? What was wrong with me? Why didn't I want to give him up even though I knew it was impossible?

"Ready to go now?" he asked.

I nodded without looking at him. Then I shut my eyes as I heard him hit the gas. He was just a guy. Just a guy. Just a guy. I already had a guy who loved me and that was the only person I was supposed to think about. It wasn't his fault that we were thousands of miles apart and it wasn't his fault that he wasn't around to spend time with me. He'd never done anything to offend me and didn't deserve to have his girlfriend's mind traveling elsewhere.

Even if it was difficult, even if it would hurt me in the end, I had to stop this thing between us from getting bigger than it had to be. But I only hoped that it wasn't too late.