Chapter 22

"I hate math. I am quite sure I flunked that exam," Franca, a dark haired girl from Malta said as we both picked up trays and lined up to get our lunch. "How do you think you did?"

I shrugged. "I don't know. I'll find out when I get my results."

She smirked. "I bet you aced it."

I eyed her as the cafeteria lady filled a plate with lasagna and handed it to me. "What makes you say that?"

She pursed her lips. "You know."

"I know what?"

She smacked her lips and moved her head from side to side. "You know… you guys and math. You know..."

"What?"

"Well, whatever," she said, looking away. "I'm just sure you aced it."

I hissed and ignored her as I got the rest of my food. With my tray in hand, it was time to find a table to sit at.

"Over here, you blind bat," Ali yelled, waving at me. Ryan, the only other person sitting with her, looked up and smiled.

Part of me wanted to pretend I hadn't seen her but what kind of person would that have made me? After making that mistake the other time I avoided Ryan, I decided that I didn't want to be that childish person who ran away whenever things got tough. It was true that they were very close and sometimes, hanging out with them, I felt like the fifth wheel in the trunk of the car waiting for a stray nail to puncture one of the four main tires but it was still no reason to be rude to her. After all, she'd only ever been nice and welcoming to me. Plus she hadn't kissed me. And if she had, would I have had a different reaction? Would I have thought she had anything other than platonic feelings for me?

I took in a deep breath as I walked towards the table.

It hadn't even been two days since that fateful kiss and I'd already spent for too much time thinking about it. Why did he do it? What had it meant? Had I overreacted? Confused, I'd tried to talk to Min Ki about it but the conversation went like this:



Me: What does it mean when a guy kisses a girl on the cheek?

Him: It depends. When I kissed you in the cheek it was because I wanted to touch you and be closer to you. That was my way of showing affection.



Okay, so that didn't help matters much.



Me: What if they aren't a couple? They are just friends.

Him: Why would he do that if they are just friends?

Me: (Pause) I don't know.

Him: (Long pause) Why are you asking? Did someone kiss you?

Me: (Longer pause) No. Someone kissed Ali. We were just wondering.

Him: (Loud laughter) Oh, if it's an American guy doing it then it means nothing. It means he doesn't find her attractive at all. He just thinks of her as a friend. (Loud laughter) Things go a lot faster over there. I don't think they even know what a kiss on the cheek means. (More laughter) (Pause) Jinnie. (Another pause) Jinnie, be careful with those guys, okay? Don't let any of them get too close or they'll take advantage of you. (Pause) I love you.



So that wasn't very helpful either.



"Hey, let me have a taste of your lasagna," Ali said, bringing me back into the moment as she stabbed her fork into my food without waiting for a response. "I know I'm on a diet but I think I'm hungry."

I pushed the plate closer to her and glanced at Ryan.

"Hi," he said, catching my eye.

I started to look away then changed my mind and stared back, hoping to read something in those brown eyes. But I got nothing. Nothing that said, "We are just friends." Nothing that said, "I lust after you." His eyes didn't even say, "I'm sorry."

I nodded my greeting to him then looked away. What was his deal? Till I figured everything out, it just might be fine to keep my distance.



***



"Are you serious?" my mother cackled into the phone.

When my brother looked at me inquisitively, I shrugged back, letting him know I didn't understand what was happening either.

It was dinnertime on a school night and my father was making his daily call to us from London. As per always, after asking my brother and me the obligatory, 'How are you?' 'How is school?' questions, he was on the phone with my mother. And they were laughing. Like really laughing.

Something was wrong.

I wasn't quite sure if we'd somehow landed in a time warp but it reminded me of being back in Seoul. Back when he wasn't so annoying and was just the father we met during our holidays. Back when my mother worked and the three of us were happy together. Back when I rarely saw my mother cry.

She laughed about something else till her voice turned gentler and she sobered up.

"So what do you want me to bring back for you?" she asked him.

My grandma's sister had just passed away after a long battle with cancer so my mother was going back to Korea for the funeral and to be with her family. The death had been long coming and even though her relatives were sad that she was no longer with them, they were glad that her suffering finally ended.

My mother giggled then started talking about something that I was sure wasn't that interesting.



***



"I'll pick you up when I pick you up," my brother said before driving off. We'd just dropped my mother off at the airport so we were free to do as we pleased. Ali told me that she was spending the day with some guy she'd met somewhere so I decided to hang out with my new friend, Yvette and some other girls from her school. As I walked towards the Sears entrance to the mall, I heard someone call my name.

I turned around to see Ali holding on to a tall, older-looking guy. She said something to him then came over to me.

"Shopping for Ryan's party?" she asked when she was within earshot.

Apparently, every year, Ryan had a birthday party and each and every time, his father found new ways to embarrass him. It was bad enough that they had to hire the local Bar Mitzvah/Wedding singer to perform the Macarena and other lame songs but each year, his father would get up to give a long ass speech. As speech about the history of the Cho family and the trials and tribulations their ancestors had to face to get to where they were today. Then he'd talk about his family's achievements, even mentioning Ryan's grades and reading the positive comments his teachers left on his report card. Apparently, you never knew what red really looked like till you saw Ryan's face at his party.

"You are coming to Ryan's party?" she asked, putting her fist on her waist aggressively.

I shrugged. "I don't know."

"How can't you know? What's up? I've noticed a weird vibe between you guys lately." Suddenly her eyes widened and she covered her mouth in shock. "You guys didn't have sex, did you?" Then she shook her head dismissively. "Nah. If you had, he'd have told me." Then she raised her brow. "Lover's tiff?" She tsked. "I'm sure it was all his fault. And if he doesn't apologize soon, just wear something really sexy to his party and make him beg."

I hissed. I'd begun to get tired of her. "Your imagination is something else. You do know it's all in your head, right?"

"Whatever. I don't even know what I'm going to wear but I'm sure I'll find something in my closet. I just need new shoes. But speaking of men," she said, grabbing hold of my shoulder and whispering, "don't look now but don't you think that guy is cute? He's the one I was telling you about. His name is Kamal and I met him at the library the other day. Oh God, I love my mother for making return her stupid self-help books." Then her whispers got even fainter. "By the way, if he asks, I'm a 19 year old sophomore from George Mason University. My parents think I'm a pre-med student but I'm rebelling and am really pre-law." She looked me over and smirked. "Don't look at me like that. Everyone has to lie to find true love."





***



"Hey."

I turned around and to see Ryan smiling at me. It was that first time we'd been alone since he kissed me. "What's up? Happy Birthday."

"Thanks."

We stood in awkward silence as I shifted my weight from foot to foot.

"I got something for you," I said, reaching into my bag and pulling out an envelope. I handed it to him. "It's just a card."

He took it and thanked me before ripping it open. "Thanks," he repeated as he read the 'Happy birthday, Ryan' I'd written in the blank card. He hit the end of the envelope against his palm repeatedly as he asked me if I was attending his party.

I exhaled then shook my head. "Ali told me it would be fun but I already have plans."

"You don't even want to watch my father embarrass me? It's legendary."

I shook my head.

"It would have been nice to have you there."

"Next year, maybe."

"Okay," he said, nodding. "I'll see you around." He turned around and began to walk away but he didn't even taken three steps before turning back around to face me.

Surprised, I looked up at him. "What?"

"I'm sorry about the kiss."

I sucked my teeth. I was more than sick of the topic. I sighed. "I know."

"I've regretted it since that day. I keep asking myself why I did it—" he said, looking away.

"Why did you?"

He looked back at me and shrugged. "I don't know. I'm still not sure. It felt natural – one of those spontaneous things you do without thinking it through. I wasn't trying to disrespect you or your relationship. Trust me, I am well aware that you have a boyfriend… and I don't have a problem with it. We were just being silly at the time and it must have been adrenaline or something. You know, like the way you kiss your 5-year old cousin when he does something cute."

I laughed. "I know I am short but there's no way you can mistake me for a 5 year old."

He raised his brow. "Are you sure?"

I hissed. "Anyway, I better start heading for class before I get into trouble."

"Cool." As I turned to leave, he said, "You know how much my mother is depending on you to teach me Korean…."

I stopped to turn to him. "So?"

"If we stop being friends, she'll be upset with you."

I laughed a little. "If you tell her you kissed me, she'll understand."

"Touché. But seriously…"

I nodded. I really didn't know what to do. Part of me just wanted to let it go and go back to the way we were. I really did enjoy hanging out with him, with or without Ali but I still felt uneasy about the kiss and his joke about liking me. Was I taking it too seriously or not taking it seriously enough? "We're cool," I said, not knowing what else to say. In large crowds, we could probably have a lot of fun together.

"Great. We can hang out in LA. Are you getting excited?"

I sighed. My father would be back from his trip by then and with my mother gone, I wasn't sure if I was still going to be able to go. "I guess so."

"Alright then. See you later."



***

My brother was taking full advantage of having no parents around which meant that instead of showing up late at my school like he normally did, he was there on time to pick Seung Mi and me. They'd barely even known each other for two weeks but they were already acting very sickening. Not cuteness-induced sickness, no. They were just plain sick. The thought of them, the idea of them, the look of them, everything just made my stomach churn. About an hour after we arrived home, I heard a knock at my door.

"What?" I yelled.

"Go and take a walk," my brother said, grabbing my jacket off its hook and throwing it at me.

"It's already getting dark. You want me to go walking now?"

"It's a safe neighborhood. Just go and take a walk for like thirty minutes or something."

"Why?" I really wasn't getting fat, was I? This wasn't his subtle way of telling me I needed to lose weight, was it? Had Ryan's camera told the truth?

He sucked his teeth then bit his lower lip. "Look, I just won't feel comfortable with you here."

"Huh?"

"Me and Seung Mi. It's just going to be weird with you here," he said, looking embarrassed. "Why don't you go out for a bit?"

I stared at him till it finally sunk in and almost like I was on autopilot, I dropped my book and jumped off the bed. YUCK! I could already feel the goose bumps appearing on my skin. "What's wrong with you?" I yelled as I slipped my bare feet into my running shoes. "Stay in your room! Don't even think of doing anything out of your room." Yuck. Argh! Why?

I hit my head repeatedly to keep my brain from working on overdrive. I didn't even want to think of my brother in any nasty positions but all sorts of images had begun to appear in my head. Suddenly, a soundtrack of kittenish moans and disgusting manly groans began to play in my head. Eww! I just needed to get out of there. I picked up my jacket, skipped down the stairs and ran out of the house. As soon as I was at the other side of the fence, I stopped to catch my breath. Oh gosh! I glanced back at my house. What could I do to cause amnesia and how in the world was I ever going to step into my brother's room again?



***



"I'm glad you called," Yvette said as we waited in line at Starbucks. "I really needed a break from all that studying."

"What do you have tomorrow?"

"English and Physics. Would it hurt to schedule similar subjects together to make it easier on us? I swear, teachers just want to make us fail so that we can pay for another year of tuition."

After getting our coffees, we found a table. Since she was a third-party observer, I told her all about the issue I was having with Ryan.

She took a sip of her drink and said, "As far as I'm concerned, it's not that much of a big deal. It's not like he grabbed your boobs or anything."

I shook my head in disappointment. Just because it could be worse didn't mean it wasn't bad. "But he kissed me," I reminded her.

"On the cheek. Parents kiss their kids on the cheek. In France, strangers kiss on the cheek. Santa Claus kisses little kids on the cheek. Have you watched any Mafia movies? The men are constantly kissing each other on the cheek and those aren't brokeback situations. Heck, even pet owners kiss their dogs on the cheek."

"Some people kiss their dogs on the mouth too," I said, shuddering at the memory of an MTV show I'd seen a few weeks earlier.

"But those people are sick. Is that who you're comparing him to? It's really not that big a deal. It's not like he unzipped his pants on the first date and asked you to open your mouth. Trust me, I've been there," she said matter-of-factly.

Okay, so it could have been a lot worse. But still. "So you think it was absolutely platonic?"

She shrugged. "I wasn't there. But even if he has a little crush on you, so what? I think it's cute," she said dreamily.

"Huh?"

"Trust me, it feels good to feel loved even if it's from someone you don't like. Except it's from a stalker – that's never good."

"But I don't want him to like me – I have boyfriend and we are just friends." What was so hard to understand about that?

"You're making a big deal out of something so small. Besides, even if you guys get together, it will never work out because his heart is really with Anita."

"Ali," I corrected.

"Yeah, whatever. But it really is the classic situation: boy and girl are friends, new girl comes into town and steals the boy from girl. Girl cries, new girl turns out to be shallow, dumb, boring whatever. No offence. Boy realizes that he loves girl and they live happily ever after."

How could someone speak so authoritatively yet get everything completely wrong? "I really can't picture Ali crying and she's always encouraging Ryan to date other girls. It's not like that with them."

"Whatever. I'm thinking of all these movies: Kuch Kuch Hota Hai, Koi Aap Sa, Ishq Vishk, even Main Hoon Na…." she said, rattling off a whole bunch of Bollywood films.

Even though I still didn't know her well, one thing I knew was that she was a huge fan of romance. Other than watching Bollywood films, she'd probably read every single Harlequin and chicklit novel out there. It was no wonder she kept on going out on all these dates and nothing ever worked out – she had no realistic expectations about love and romance. I didn't want to burst her bubble and tell her that relationships weren't always passionate and that the butterflies eventually left your tummy.

"… Wohi Sikander, hello? Pehla Nasha," she began to sing. "Can't you see? Even the classic movies of the nineties had the same storyline. So you have nothing to worry about. Even if he does have a thing for you, it won't last forever."

But as my mother said, a thousand years was not forever.


"Oh, you're so Rani in Kuch Kuch. Gosh!" she said, smiling like she'd made an important discovery. "Just like you came from Korea, she came from London. But," she said, hitting me furiously.

I pushed her off and rubbed my sore shoulder. What was wrong with her?

"… Rani dies while giving birth to Anjali who later finds Kajol, who was also called Anjali in the film, so her father and Anjali can get back together. So you see? Even if you marry this Ryan guy, he's still going to end up with the other girl in the end."

I sighed. Did she really think that she was helping?

Then she went into a long rant about how it's usually the girl pining for the boy except in Kal Ho Naa Ho but even then, the new guy still had to die so that the old friends could fall in love and marry.

"But you know what's really going on?" she said after careful thought.

I rolled my eyes. What other Bollywood pearl of wisdom was she about to impart? "What?"

"It's not really about you being the new girl and stuff. It's just because you're a guy and he's a girl…"

Huh?

Noticing her mistake she said, talking with her hands, "Actually, it's the other way around. He's a girl and you're a guy." She shook her head. "Whatever. You know what I mean. The point is, he's got hormones. If a guy is horny enough, he'd even kiss a chicken if it batted its eyes at him."

I scrunched my nose. What was this girl on?

She raised her brow after seeing my reaction. "You think I'm kidding? It's not about liking you really because all that happened was it was dark, you were alone – kinda –-and even if that kiss wasn't platonic, his man parts just reacted naturally. You could have been the ugliest girl in town and he'd still have kissed you."

Okay, he was a horndog. Was that supposed to help me? "What's your point?"

"If you want to keep being his friend without this sexual tension – imagined or not – get him a girlfriend. That way, he'd have someone to release all the almost mouth kisses and sexual stuff on and you guys can just be friends with no interference of all his manly bits."

In some way, that made a lot of sense. If he'd always had a girlfriend, Min Ki would never have suspected he had a thing for me, there'd never have been any rumors about us at school and even if he'd kissed me, I would have known that it was purely platonic. Well, maybe.


"But," she said in a far less livelier tone, "as we know, if a girl starts looking for dates for a guy, she ends up falling for him herself. That's the one thing Kuch Na Kaho taught us. Gosh, I just love Ash and Abhi," she said as she drifted back to la la land.

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